Com101 – Boundaries Keep Us Safe

Step 2: Make an Agreement with Ourselves

Once we have a boundary, we must make an agreement with ourselves to treat it like a boundary.  The agreement to ourselves is that we will communicate and enforce the boundary.  If we don’t make this agreement to ourselves, the boundary is useless.  In other words, it is our job to communicate and enforce our boundaries in healthy ways.  It’s not other people’s job to guess our boundaries.  It’s not the other person’s job to receive us when we are triggered, overreacting, or communicating in unhealthy ways.  We are responsible for our own emotions an emotional reactions, not them.

The reverse is also true.  It is not our job to guess or enforce anyone else’s boundaries.  It is every person’s individual job to communicate and enforce their own boundaries.  That sounds easy, but some people don’t enforce their boundaries until they feel victimized by a boundary crosser.  We find ourselves on the receiving end of someone who is triggered and upset.  Remember, we are not responsible for other people’s emotions, or emotional reactions. 

Maybe someone grew up in a punish-ask culture.  Whatever the reason, some people have trouble speaking up about their boundaries.  We need to consider that other people might be struggling to overcome the culture they were raised in when they express their boundaries to us.  We can make it extra safe for them to speak up, but we can’t guess their boundaries; we are not mind readers.  We can encourage them and respect, them but we can’t enforce their boundaries for them.    We need to remember that there are a lot of people out there who are struggling with this idea of speaking up (Step 3) and enforcing (Step 4) their boundaries.  Again, it’s not our job to guess their boundaries or enforce their boundaries for them, they need to practice and stand on their own two feet.  We can be aware of the fact that some people struggle with boundaries and, when they have earned it and we have extra energy, we can give them a little extra safety and encouragement.  If it’s a benefit to both parties, we can agree to practice together.

Anyone who feels like expressing their boundaries is like preparing for a battle, that’s a red flag.  This person has unhealthy boundaries.  Anyone who feels they have to stand up to someone because they keep letting someone, or some situation, take advantage of them, that’s another red flag.  The person they need to stand up to is themselves. 

When we imagine boundaries as a battle or standing up to someone, we are already mentally practicing a bad experience.  We get good at what we practice.  The first thing to practice is a shift in our mindset. 

We need to commit to communicating and enforcing our boundaries as if it is no big deal and everyone is going to thank and encourage us for it.  We need to mentally practice only interacting with people who will respect us and thank you for sharing.  We need to mentally practice not getting into debates about our boundaries because our boundaries are not up for debate.  We need to imagine that delivering our boundaries is a trivial thing and not an ordeal.  We get to choose who is in our life and who is not.  We now get to choose to limit our interactions with people who don’t respect our boundaries.  This is a simple that most good people will respect most of the time.

For the people who have trouble speaking up, here are a few different reframes to help shift your mindset.  Take what’s helpful and throw out whatever doesn’t resonate with you.

Regardless of where you are at on the scale from having no concerns about speaking up to being afraid to speak up, it’s important to make a commitment to yourself to communicate your boundary in healthy ways (step 3 below) and to take healthy actions when the boundary has been crossed (step 4 below.)  This step, step 2, is the commitment to following through with step 3 and 4.

I’ve got one more tool here to aid with creating a strong self-commitment to enforcing our boundaries.  It is to listen in on the younger version of ourselves that is triggered, scare, or upset about speaking up and committing to standing up for them by having a small dialog with them in our imagination.  This is how I do it.  I take a moment to imagine the upset younger version of myself that’s inside me.  This child-like version of me is freaking out about this boundary because they are afraid someone is going to violate it again and they can’t do anything about it.  I take a moment to hear them and observe what they are upset about.  I notice how old they are.  I notice the background and what else was going on around them at that time.  I take a moment to say, “I hear you.  That’s a perfectly good reason to be upset.  You couldn’t stand up for yourself because you were too young.  You didn’t know better, and you did know what to do.  You can’t stand up for yourself today because you only exist in the past and in a memory.  Don’t worry, I will stand up for you now.  I’m an adult who can interact with the world on your behalf.  I will take this burden off you.  I will stand up for you.  I will make this boundary known.  I will take action when people don’t respect it.  I’m here.  I’ve got you now.  You don’t have to worry about it anymore.  I will handle this for you.  I will keep you safe.  I will keep us both safe.”

Up next will be steps 3 and 4, and honestly, they are the really hard parts of boundaries.  How to way make our boundaries known and enforce them without being a jerk or a push over?  How can we be gentle, get firm?  I’ll type up steps 3 and 4 in the next article, aka, part 2.