Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Here is the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.
In my previous article, I talked about safe conversation agreements to have a conversation one. And now, we’re finally here. The main event for all these communication articles: taking turns holding space. This includes a prop to help us along, a microphone.
The most powerful communication tool I’ve discovered is to take turns holding space for each other. It can be initiated by simply asking for it. “Can we try that thing where we take turns holding space for each other?”
Unfortunately, holding space is nuanced and not everyone knows how to do it. To make matters more difficult, situations and emotions constantly ebb and flow, guaranteeing that everyone will have times when they are simply incapable of holding space for others. On top of all that, people are human, and humans make mistakes. Not everyone knows what it means to holds space. People have different ideas of what it means. It’s possible to agree to hold space and then not follows through with it. When the situation isn’t right or someone doesn’t know what they are doing, agreeing to hold space might actually be an agreement make a giant mess fueled by the best of intentions.
No problem, just say, “hey, let me educate you on how to hold space.” No. Never do that. That would be a complete disaster. I once had someone who was upset and yelling at me say, “what do you want from me!” I yelled back, “I just want you to hear me with active listening!” Then, in the middle of a heated moment, I’m trying to explain active listening. If life was a TV show, the studio audience would have been laughing their heads off at us. It was a total disaster, but it was a disaster with a great lesson: trying to explain new communication styles when people are already emotional does not work –not even a little. Trying to educate someone who is upset comes across as condescending. Instead of coming across as a plea communication that will help everyone, they will likely only hear, “you’re doing it wrong,” “you’re not good enough,” and it will escalate them further.
Again, call a time out if people are yelling. Don’t attempt to hold space or introduce new tools when emotions are above a 2 out of 10. Instead, breathe, do a self check-in, go for a walk around the block. Use all the tools we talked about in Parts 1 and 2. Move forward when people are calm.
Rather than educating about holding space, a great alternative is to introduce a simple prop with some simple rules attached to it that allow people to instantly get on the same page with the process. The prop itself is an interrupt pattern. It’s like a timeout and a “wait, what’s this?” Curiosity is the opposite of anger and fear. If the other person is curious about the prop and the rules, it’s worthing sharing the idea. If they are not curious, then stop because they are not in a receptive state and now is not the time.
In the chapter about “Receiving someone’s ‘No’,” we used the analogy of one person being on stage with a microphone while everyone else is sitting in the audience actively listening. Taking turns with an imaginary mic is a way to quickly get people on the same page for holding space.
I want to caution that the microphone is not a “talking stick.” In theory, a talking stick is an object where whoever is holding the stick gets to talk and everyone else gets to practice their active listening. In practice, just the name “talking stick” gets confusing because active listening involves talking, but if we don’t have the stick, we’re not supposed to talk, right? That’s confusing. Some listeners will just not talk because they don’t have the stick and they think those are the rules. I’ve also seen people not realize that active listening involves talking and then silence anyone who is asking clarifying questions with, “hey, it’s my turn to talk.” Some people may give the stick away to let someone share some active listening style words but now they’ve unintentionally given away their turn. The next person starts taking their turn in the spotlight while the previous topic is left half explored and unresolved. In many ways, the name “talking stick” doesn’t embody the tool’s intentions. The intentions seem to be more of a “topic stick.”
I’ve also seen people try to improve the talking stick by using a ball or stuffed animal. The idea being, if you have the ball, you can talk, and the ball is supposed to pass around the group quickly. This would allow conversation to flow while encouraging people to not talk over each other. Throwing a talking stick is a bad idea, hence the ball or stuffed animal. Come to think of it, having a stick in a group of people who might have heightened emotions also seems a little questionable to me. “Here’s a potential weapon. Now go talk it out like responsible adults.”
There’s still plenty to be learned from the talking stick and the passed ball techniques. One person talking at a time is helpful. One person’s topic in the spotlight at a time is helpful. Active listening is helpful. Taking turns for talking and taking turns with topics is helpful. Ensuring a topic is complete before moving on to the next person’s topic is helpful. Ensuring everyone gets a turn, even if our topic isn’t 100% complete, is helpful.
Combining all these with safe space boundaries is how my microphone analogy was born. The mic is a “topic stick,” and only one person speaks into it at a time. The person who holds the mic gets to share their topic until it is complete. They give others a chance to speak into the mic, but it doesn’t leave their hand until they are ready to pass it.
What The Mic looks like
If we were to sit outside the experience and watch a few masters of this style of communication, we would see that it looks a lot like people getting to know each other. Someone mentions growing up in California and everyone tunes in and asks questions about it. “Jenny grew up in California,” is the topic for a few moments and people ask Jenny clarifying questions to better understand what it feels like to grow up in California. “What were the schools like?” “Were you by the beach?” “Isn’t half of California a dessert?” When everyone understands what it was like to grow up in California from Jenny’s point of view, Jenny might ask, “What about you? Where did you grow up?”
Jenny was on the mic sharing a message and everyone else was active listening. When Jenny was complete, she passed the mic. Hopefully, everyone will get a turn to share something on the mic and all of these relationships will be strengthened as a result.
It’s so easy when the topics are light, everyone is relaxed, and everyone actually does want to get to know each other. It’s also easy when the topics aren’t up for debate. “Jenny grew up in California,” and “Billy’s favorite color is yellow,” aren’t up for debate. These are moments of information delivery only and they are from a specific person’s point of view. It’s not a push to challenge or change anyone else’s mind. It’s just a message that allows others to learn a little bit about someone.
“Getting to know each other” is simply information sharing and receiving without challenging any of the information. Again, it’s easy when it’s light and relaxed. When emotions, struggles, urgency, situations, and differences of opinion get involved, this style of conversation often changes. Now we’re challenging each other’s information and pushing our information on others. Suddenly it’s a debate or an argument. Holding space is a commitment to sticking to the “getting to know each other” and each other’s point of views without challenging it” style of information sharing. This is the reason why one of our safe conversation boundaries is “my feelings are never up for debate, nor are anyone else’s.” Debating anyone’s feelings means we slid out of the commitment of only information sharing and receiving without challenging.
Holding a prop mic helps everyone stick to that “get to know you” style of communication. The goal is to use an imaginary microphone until everyone in the conversation has such great default habits that no one needs a prop to hold space anymore. The goal is to look like that group of friends who are causally getting to know each other even though the situation might be tense, and the topics have a bigger impact.
How to take turns on the mic
Pretending to hold an invisible microphone. Tap it with your other hand and say, “testing, testing, is this thing on? How about we take turns with the mic?” A pen also makes a great prop microphone.
The mic is not, and should not, be a two-way conversation. It’s one-way information sharing without challenging the information. This is a conversation where the person on the mic is delivering brief and an important message and everyone else is focused on active listening to understanding the message correctly. Successfully sending a clear and quality message is the responsibility of the mic holder. Demonstrating the message that’s actually been received is the responsibility of the listeners. A back and forth of clarification happens until everyone has confirmed the message has been received without misinterpretation. Then the next person gets to share a message.
The person with the mic is trusting everyone else with the responsibility of knowing this important, often vulnerable, information. They are also trusting everyone will put their energy into maturely receiving the message despite humans being imperfect creatures who must use words, an imperfect medium. The audience gets to ask some questions to make sure the speaker has been understood and the message has been delivered correctly.
When I say active listening, that’s what I mean; asking questions to clarify the message being sent, making statements that repeat back the message for clarity, and demonstrating we received and understood the message. As part of clarification, an active listener can, and should, request a smaller chunk of information at a time. “Timeout. That’s a lot. I’m a little lost. Can you simplify the message or break it into smaller pieces?” To ensure everyone is understood, they may ask, “do you feel heard,” and “are you complete?”
It is very important that everyone understands the intentions are for everyone to get a turn with the mic. Then it’s just as important that everyone does, in fact, get a chance on the mic. When it’s clear that everyone will get a chance to speak without being challenged while everyone else just listens and speaks to demonstrate understanding, suddenly there is no reason for anyone to raise their voice or argue. There is no reason to talk over each other because everyone knows they will be heard. This is not a debate or a fight. Everyone agrees; we are going to take turns listening to each other and everyone will get a turn.
Ensure everyone does, in fact, get a turn. Use a timer if needed. If “taking turns on the mic” accidently becomes “everyone gets a turn on the mic but me,” expect people to decline offers to communicate in the future. Expect them to say, “this doesn’t work.” If time or energy runs out before everyone gets a turn on the mic, schedule a follow conversation before ending and then move mountains to make sure it happens. People who don’t get a turn will either fall back on yelling and arguing to be heard or give up on communication and stop talking altogether.
Sending a blame-free message
To take a turn on the mic, the person with it gets clear with themselves, then delivers the simplest accusation-free message they can. This means they need to get back to core emotions and drop all the second level, interpretations of emotions. This means they need to drop blame. This means they need to start most sentences with, “from my point of view,” and “in my opinion.” This means they don’t say “you, you, you,” and they don’t use absolutes like “always” and “never.” They need to stick to the facts and be specific; not the assumptions that their monkey brain, aka the ego, has decided are facts, but the facts as they would be recorded by a diligent reporter or a video camera.
When this “drop the blame and list only the facts” step finally clicks, arguments tend to dissolve and the situation begins to take care of themselves. When we it happens, we will often discover we are not in an argument or a misunderstanding with the other person, rather we are in a misunderstanding with ourselves. Our reality and our point of view have been hijacked by our monkey brain, aka our ego. Our ego has burning desire to always be right and never change by blaming everyone and everything around us for our discomfort so it’s view of reality doesn’t have to change. Our ego’s false assumptions and false conclusions turn in to blame and then our monkey brain wants to argue with everyone else about those false conclusions that our ego is treating like facts. Another word for that is “projection.” Our ego wants to project our false assumptions on to everyone else and argue with them until they change because they are clearly the one ruining our experience.
Meanwhile, their ego is pulling the same money brain BS on them too. Their ego is making stuff up. Their ego is trying to shut out all outside information and persuasion. Their ego has a burning need to be right and wants everyone else to change so it can be. Their ego is their greatest enemy just like our ego is our greatest enemy. We are emotional creatures who sometimes think. We are not two humans talking, we to monkey brains demanding to be right at any cost.
Our greatest battle in life is not with our enemies, not with our loved ones, but with ourselves. We think we’re having a fight with someone who is standing between us and our happiness, but it’s not the other person standing in our way, it’s our own monkey brain’s false assumptions and need to blame. They think they are arguing with us, that aren’t. They don’t even hear us when their ego is in the driver’s seat. Dropping blame is a life-long battle against our own ego. Our loved ones are probably not our enemies, our ego usually is.
How many times has an argument suddenly dissolved for us because of some “ah-ha” moment where we finally understood one critical piece of information that made the whole situation suddenly not a problem anymore? How many times was that information right in front of our nose? How many times was the other person trying to share that information, but we basically had our fingers in our ears while interrupting them with our side of the story? Yet our ego fought every step of the way to not hear any information at all. It tries to shut down any outside influence that might contradict its false assumptions, false narratives, and false conclusions. Our ego is hellbent on making up stories and creating blame that allows it to always be right and never change. It wants everyone else change not us. It thinks our view of the world is perfect and everyone else must be wrong.
Our ego would rather be right and be alone forever than consider the possibility of being wrong, being an imperfect human, and staying in relationships with other imperfect humans. We can be right, or we can be in healthy relationships, we can’t have both. That’s how interdependence works. Our ego would rather be right and alone. Our own ego is our most cunning enemy, not the other person. Dropping blame and criticism is the secret weapon for interdependence, communication, and happiness.
Why do we have that “ah-ha” moment at the end of a big argument? Why wait to the end of a battle to finally discover what information we’re missing and drop the blame. Why not start there? Why not take dropping blame and challenging ourselves and our own ego as a first step, not a last step? I tell you why, because it’s hard and our ego doesn’t want us to do it. Our ego wants to protect us and our view of the world. Our ego wants fight with everyone, not listen to them. We can defeat our ego’s intentions by stripping out blame and listening to others. We can do it faster and without battling our loved ones, if we make that our first step, not our last step.
This is why Part 1 of this series was all about getting our head straight. We have a mic in our hand, we have everyone’s undivided attention, and we have their agreement to active listen, what are we going to say? Are we going to hand the mic directly to our ego, our monkey brain? Are we going to provoke them? Are we going to attack and blame everyone? That would destroy this moment we so painstakingly created where they want to understand what we’re going through and they don’t plan to challenge us. It’s our responsibility to deliver a non-threatening, gentle, factual, message and not a bunch of blame, opinions masquerading as facts, false assumptions, false narratives, blame filled emotions masquerading as facts, criticism, judgements, attacks, over reactions, or how we’ve jumped to a bunch of conclusions that we then treated as fact.
This is a big responsibility. This is a battle we will be fighting with our ego for the rest of our lives. We will not get it right and that’s okay. We are going to be honest about where we’re at in our unhealthy verses healthy communication journey and we are going to do our best. We’re going to be honest as we speak and make it clear that in this moment, we’re fighting out ego and trying to deliver a blame-free message and it’s not working so well. We’re going to trust that we picked the right people to hold space for us, A-style communicators. We going to be open to gentle reminders and corrections from them. We are going to expect to give calm clarifications when people ask us for them. We’re going to remember that requests for clarifications are not attacks. When we hit a snag, are going to ask for a do-over. We are going to simplify our message if it’s not being received for any reason. We are going to thank everyone for their efforts and support every step of the way.
Tipping the Mic
Unlike the talking stick, it’s clear that active listeners will be talking too. Other people will indicate they want to do some active listening with a clarifying question or a summary statement to demonstrate understanding. This could be a natural pause in the conversation and a small inhale of breath that everyone unconsciously notices and makes space for, or it could be someone visually raising their hand.
When others are speaking as part of active listening, the person with the mic simply tips the pen or invisible microphone forward to them so they can share it. The mic gets tipped forward but not passed. It looks much like a news reporter interviewing people on the street. The mic never leaves the reporter’s hands. They never hand their show over to someone else. Tipping the pen forward says a few things to everyone in the conversation. It says, “I’m taking a question or comment. It’s your turn to talk and I won’t talk over you. I’m still holding the mic. It’s still my turn and my topic.”
The person with the mic can pull it back to themselves if they need to clarify something or try a do-over with sending the message altogether. Then they can tip the mic forward again and invite that person to demonstrate how the new information was received.
The speaker can also tip the mic forward and slowly sweep it across all the listeners to signal, “I’m open to your thoughts. Now’s a good time. Does anyone have any questions? How is this landing for all of you?” Some of us talk with a lot of pauses and silent processing. This can be confusing for others who don’t want to interrupt or have been accused of interrupting in the past. Tipping the mic forward is a strong signal to relieve that type of anxiety and encourage thoughts when we are ready to receive them.
The speaker also can pull the mic back if the other person starts monologuing, storytelling, or going on any tangents. They can be polite and direct as they tip the mic back and say, “hold on, I think we’re getting on a tangent here. The message I’m trying to share is…” They may also gently quiz the other person, “hold on, what was my message again?” After these minor course corrections, the speaker can tip the mic out again.
Everyone Keeps the Space Safe
In addition to sending messages or receiving messages, everyone gets to enforce safe space boundaries. “Hey, we agreed on no yelling or criticism.” “One second, is that a fact, an opinion, or an assumption?” “Is that a fact the way a video camera would have played it back?” “Is that a core, chemical emotion, or is that blame masquerading as emotion?”
The listeners can also reenforce the blame identifying phrases the speaker may have left out. For example, the speaker might say, “All of you abandoned me at the event,” which is the ego stealing a moment on the mic. Then a listener might say, “okay, what I’m hearing is that, from your point of view, it felt like we all abandoned you at the event.” By simply recognizing “from my point of view” was left out of the speaker’s original message, it’s much easier to receive, reflect back, bring awareness to the blame, and dissolve the assumed blame. The speaker will often realize they left out the phrase and then use it in their clarification, “yes, from my point of view, all of you abandoned me at the event. So, hold on. Do-over. I found myself all alone at an event where I didn’t know anyone. That I couldn’t find any of you. From my point of view, I felt abandoned, and I assumed you all abandoned me. I’m not saying you abandoned me. I’m saying I felt that way at the time and I was scared, sad, and alone.” There’s the real, blame-free, message, “I was scared, sad, and alone.”
With that little message sent and received, the next step of the overall message will surface. It might sound something like, “Yes. I was scared, sad, and alone. I couldn’t find any of you.” Then everyone would reflect back this new information. After a few rounds of clarification and reflection with blame stripped out, the underlining message could be uncovered to be something like, “I was scared, sad, and alone. I couldn’t find any of you. My abandonment traumas were kicking in and affecting my perception of the situation and my judgment. I’m not proud of my actions and reactions. I was scared. I don’t want to be scared like this in the future.”
Everyone gently looking for an removing blame with rephrasing helps put everyone on the same page. The speaker is recognizing they played a part in blaming others and acting as if their assumptions were facts. They can recognize that emotions were at play and clouding their view of the situation. The listeners don’t have to defend themselves from what would have been considered an attack in a debate or an argument. Instead, they reenforce the agreements and the scripts for holding space with a mic. Free from having to defend themselves, the listeners can recognize the speaker is struggling against their ego right now, just to deliver a blame-free message. The listeners can also recognize the speaker was struggling at the time everything went down and what it must have felt like to be in that struggle. We can all recognize the human condition in each other and sympathize because we are all doing our best with these often-emotional monkey brains we all have.
On The Topic of Topics
I’m going to call the main topic of the conversation, the main event. Just like a rock show, it’s the reason we’re all here and everything about being here is supporting this main event. There is also, one main event. There may be some opening acts and some getting ready for the main event, but there is only one main event.
Stick to one supporting topic at a time or one aspect of the main event at a time. It’s very helpful to declare the main event as a group before starting. “Okay, today we’re talking about how things didn’t go so well on Tuesday night, right? Are there other things we need or want to discuss? Oh, we want to talk about the dishes, too? How much time do we have? One hour? Okay, we’re going to pass the mic and talk about Tuesday night for 45 minutes, then spend 15 minutes on low hanging fruit. If we need another sit-down to continue talking about Tuesday night, we will schedule it. We’re going to save the talk about the dishes until we all sit down for a check-in tomorrow so it’s a separate discussion. Is everyone onboard for that?”
Less is more with these types of conversations. When we take our turn, it’s very helpful to stick to the main topic or pass because we’ve already shared our thoughts on this. Just because one person got to share their perspective about Tuesday night, doesn’t mean it’s okay to start talking about the topic of the dishes. Finish the main event as a group. Close the discussion, then start a new discussion for a new main event when everyone has the spoons for it.
Notice, we set aside time to talk about low hanging fruit and possible solutions at the end. Brainstorming solutions and problem solving are not part of holding space. They are topics and communication styles to engage in after holding space has finished. We might use passing the mic as an easy structure to continue to talk without talking over each other, but there’s a clear distinction between holding space until holding space is done and then switching to whatever the group feels needs to come next.
It’s very helpful to break a topic into smaller pieces or sub-topics. For example, “How about we pass the mic around once and just say, I feel ____ about Tuesday night and nothing more. Just one or two emotions.” Now the sub-topic of “how everyone feels about Tuesday night” is clear and out in the open. If everyone took the time to confirm they heard correctly, then everyone’s emotions will also feel heard. That’s progress because, emotionally, that’s one more thing everyone is now on the same page about.
On a side note, starting with a quick round of “I feel ____ about the main topic,” is a great place to start because it shows who might need the mic first. When two people shrug and say, “I feel indifferent about Tuesday,” and two other people say, “I’m feel hurt and sad about Tuesday,” it’s clear who should be first in the lineup.
Great sub-topics to focus on are, “from my point of view…”:
- “From my point of view, I feel ____ (1 or 2 core, chemical emotions only) about (the main topic),” and share nothing else.
- “From my point of view, this is the timeline of events as a camera would have recorded it,” and share nothing else.
- “From my point of view, the things that went right were ______, ______, and ______. I want to recognize your efforts in those things going right and say, ‘thank you’ for that,” and share nothing else.
- “From my point of view, my expectation/assumption was that _____ would happen and it turned out _____ happened instead,” and share nothing else.
- “From my point of view, my need for ______ was not met. It’s my responsibility to get my needs met without hurting or obligating others. I would appreciate any help you might be willing to offer though,” and share nothing else.
- “From my point of view, I now realize _______ and I didn’t know that at the time,” and share nothing else.
- “From my point of view, I have a boundary that wasn’t known or wasn’t respected which is ________. It’s my responsibility to get my needs met without hurting or obligating others. It’s my job to share and enforce my own boundaries. I would appreciate any help you might be willing to offer though,” and share nothing else.
- And/or share whatever is standing between the way we are feeling now and us feeling complete on this topic.
When the holding space conversation is over, agree to leave incomplete topics in the safe space. They do not have to ruin everyone’s interactions between now and the next scheduled “pass the mic” conversation. It’s possible to say, “okay, we’re ending now. Clearly, we’re not done talking about Tuesday. We’re going to talk again tomorrow. Can we not let this ruin our day today or tomorrow since we know we’re going to come back and finish talking through this? What final things do we need to do to allow that happen?”
We can declare that outside this safe space conversation is another completely separate safe space. The same way we decide not to take work problems home with us or home problems to work with us. We can declare, “Hey, we are currently in a disagreement about this one topic. We are currently in the middle of talking thought it. We are not going to let it affect our awesome friendship between now and when we get to finish talking about it.” Then, follow through on talking about it. Don’t skip it our assume, “close enough.” Sit down, and check-in, “So, what is left to talk about? Or did we all discover we’ve pretty much handled it with our low hanging fruit changes.”
Primed Before The Main Event
Before a show, a sounds person will step on stage and speak into the mic, “mic check. 1, 2. 1, 2.” Faulty connections are found, and mix levels are set before the main act ever sets foot on stage. Actually, a whole different opening act comes out first. A warmup band or a warmup act do an actual performance with all the live equipment. Everything is tested and primed before the main event.
Our version of this is to check-in often and always start with something simple that no one can argue with to get warmed up. In a business setting, these are called ice-breaker questions and they sound a lot like “getting to know each other” questions. The speaker may go around the room and ask everyone to say their name and one thing about themselves like their favorite color or their favorite something that relates to the topic that is about to become the main event.
Warm up the group by having everyone send a message that can’t be argued with, like “my favorite _____ is _____,” or “when I was a kid, I liked to _____.” It’s going to sound like a simple “get to know you” moment, and it is. Make sure everyone receives the message correctly before passing the mic to try to another warmup question or to start the main event. If people can’t seem to get the process of sending and receiving a simply message like, “when I was a kid, my favorite food was waffles,” then the mic check just failed. Adjust, recalibrate, or reschedule the main event.
Do not continue on to big things when it’s clear the group is struggling to hold space with the little things. If the communication doesn’t pass a mic check, the main event will be a disaster.
Practice main events that are low risk, low stress, and low impact before attempting the topics that are a multi-year thorn in the relationship. We must work our way up to those topics. We have to earn it step by step with many practice performances. Like a rock band, we get good at playing practice songs together in the studio with lots of timeouts and do-overs. We get good at making our studio a safe space for everyone to learn and play together. Then we attempt a live performance in a small venue knowing that timeouts and do-overs can still happen. We get good at making the small events a safe space for everyone before moving on. The small events will teach us how to recover a little more quickly and effortlessly and the on lookers might not even realize there was a hiccup. Believe it or not, most bands do still screw up at giant live events, they are just so good at play right through the screwup and never halting the song that they don’t even consider it a mistake anymore. It’s just a little spicy live variation thrown in from time to time. It just flows and becomes all the things that make a live performance worth doing.
That is the goal. One day, our group is going to be able to hold space on any topic without a prop mic. It will be a live performance where everyone knows the scripts and the flow. Everyone keeps each other on the same beat and everyone gets a turn to shine. It elevates from the idea of a grueling hour long difficult conversation to a two-hour live jam session with your best friends that we look forward to every week.
We’re Done When
There are a few layers for what “done” means. There is successfully sending and receiving one message at a time, successfully sharing one topic to completion at a time, and everyone taking one turn at a time to share both messages and topics to completion. All of this happens until everyone feels like the need for someone to holding space for them has been satisfied or the time for talking runs out.
Sending a message is done when each listener has demonstrated they understood the message by repeating it back to the speaker and the speaker confirms they got it right. It’s important that each listener demonstrates their personal understanding, and the speaker works with them until they can repeat back a message successfully in their own words. It’s not enough for one person to get the message. Even though the speaker might feel understood because one person seems to get it, this doesn’t mean everyone understands. Don’t move forward until everyone demonstrates their individual understanding. This sounds like the speaker saying, “okay, yeah, it sounds like each of you received what I was trying to send. Thank you.”
Don’t allow anyone to use, “message received,” or anything similar. That does not demonstrate the message they received or if it’s the correct message. It’s a deflection that sounds like they are listening when they may not have heard correctly. Follow up with an encouragement to repeat back the actual message. “In your own words, can you let us know what message you’re saying you received?”
Once a message has been confirmed, the speaker may have another message that brings them another step closer to completing what they need to share on this topic. The group may decide to let the speaker send the next message or pause this person to allow another person to take a turn sending a message.
It’s important that the group works as a team to make sure everyone gets heard and everyone gets a turn to be heard all the way to topic completion. Sometimes that will be reigning in the naturally talkative people with a timer. Sometimes that will be giving extra space and encouragement for the naturally quiet people to process, think, and then speak. Talk about this as a group. Call a timeout if needed.
Don’t let any single person become the “rules enforcer” because the conversation as a whole will suffer. Shoot for a vibe of, “everyone wants everyone to contribute and get a turn to share so let’s all work together.” If it’s clear someone doesn’t have these intentions, call a timeout and revisit all the safe space boundaries and safe conversation agreements we’ve already discussed. Identify this person’s communication style and results style. Have they earned the right to be in this conversation with us? Holding space for each other is a high caliber offer reserved for high caliber people. If everyone is not on the same page with that, reschedule or don’t include them.
A specific person’s topic or sub-topic is complete when they confirm that it is complete. It will be a feeling of release that will wash over them. They will not only feel heard with their messages, but they will feel heard through and through. They will realize they don’t have another message to send on this topic and they can confirm aloud, “I feel complete with this topic. Thank you for hearing me.” This is a good time to pass the mic and let someone else share one of their topics.
If a person is not complete, they can still consciously choose to pass the mic. Sometimes that feeling of completeness doesn’t come and we can’t put our finger on why. Maybe we have a feeling of confusion or something just outside our mind’s reach. This is perfectly fine. We can simply call it out and pass the mic. “Okay, I don’t feel complete but that’s all that’s coming out. I think there’s more but I’m not sure what it is. I’m going to pause my turn and let someone else share. We can come back to me.” A lot of times, through hearing others’ concerns and points of view, we will have that last little thing that’s standing between inner turmoil and completion bubble to the surface. After the other person finishes their turn on the mic, we might find ourselves saying, “thank you. Everything you just said is what was missing for me. Thank you for bringing that up. Now that this part is out in the open, I feel complete with my turn, too.”
This conversation is done and complete when each person has confirmed they feel complete for all their topics for today. After that, the conversation may move on to other things, like apologies, next steps, or whatever suits the group’s needs.
This conversation is done and incomplete when the group runs out of time. This will happen. This is why it’s important to make sure everyone gets a turn on the mic. Work together to make sure everyone sends a short message right away when the conversation starts. Get the mic all the way around once with short, easy messages. Then aim to pass the mic around again with short message again. Shoot for getting the mic in everyone’s hands twice before the time limit might hit. Then, try to get to a stopping point where the last message is received, and everyone can reschedule to finish the talk. Also, it may be wise to pre-allocate an extra couple minutes at the end so the group may take a moment to switch communication styles to suggest and take a couple easy “next steps” based on what was uncovered today. It may not be a solution, but it may ease the pressure on the situation a little until the group can get together again.
Summary of Roles & Goals
“Pass the mic” is a way to hold space for each other. The aim is to pass the mic around and talk about one “main event” topic in a nonconfrontational, “get to know you,” style until everyone is complete with sharing about the main event topic. Then the group can switch to whatever style of communication is needed for the next step of the conversation. We aim to pre-allocate 25% of the time at the end of this check-in for that next step of the conversation, because that is not part of “holding space” and comes after holding space. When time is a factor, the aim is to get the mic in everyone’s hands at least twice and the messages people send can be shorter to facilitate this.
When on the mic, it’s the speaker’s job to:
- Respect the time limit of 5 or 10 minute turns on the mic.
- Get their head right aka Part 1 of this book. Tools for this include: timeout & check-in; breathe; strip out blame with the question, “does this emotion describe just me or does it include other people or events?” and checking in with our wants and needs using Burbol’s Hierarchy of Happiness.
- Deliver a short, clear, blame-free message using phrases like, “from my point of view,” and “in my opinion.” Recommended messages are: sharing a core feeling and nothing else; sharing an account of a situation using only the facts as a camera would see it and nothing else; sharing one’s needs or misaligned expectations and nothing else; or sharing a boundary and nothing else. (See scripts in “On the topic of topics” heading above.)
- To own their experience and take back their power from their monkey brain aka the ego. To turn, “you, you, you” into “I’m responsible for my feelings and actions. From my point of view, these are the series of events and the feelings I found myself feeling. I’m not blaming, I’m just saying that’s how my monkey brain was trying to blame everyone else at the time.” To turn absolutes like “always” and “never,” into specifics like, “for three nights out of the last five night this week, I found myself in a specific situation,” and “the last two times we were together, this specific thing happened.”
- Respect the listener’s boundaries, the safe space boundaries, and the safe space agreements by not creating any circumstance where the listeners would need to remind us about those boundaries and agreements and by gracefully accepting redirection when they do.
- Enforce the speaker’s boundaries, safe space boundaries, and the safe space agreements by gently reminding the listeners about these boundaries if any are crossed in the moment. Don’t let any single person become the “rules enforcer.” Everyone works together.
- Allow others the space to active listen. Looking for someone who has a hand raised. Tipping the mic to others. Letting listeners ask clarifying questions and answering them gently. Letting them attempt to make statements that demonstrate understanding and gently rephrasing for them where needed. If someone is actively trying to understand, a speaker should never say, “you’re not listening,” say, “okay, that’s not what I’m trying to say. I’ll try to rephrase it better and simplify my message.”
- Confirm when we, the speaker, feel understood by asking ourselves the question, “has everyone demonstrated they understand the specific message I’ve been trying to send?” It’s not enough to have one listener demonstrate understanding, everyone must take a moment to repeat the message back to the speaker.
- Confirm when we, the speaker, feel complete by asking ourselves the question, “are there any more messages that I need to share for this topic?”
- Offer to pass the mic when we feel a message is understood, or we feel complete, or the time limit is up. If the time limit is up, we confirm aloud if we do or do not currently feel understood and complete so there are no assumptions between now and our next turn on the mic.
It’s the listeners’ job to:
- Mentally put their stuff aside and just listen to understand. Take comfort in the knowledge that they will get a turn to speak, and they don’t have to defend ourselves right now. Don’t take anything personally. This leads right into the next item.
- Get their head right aka Part 1 of this book. Tools for this include: timeout & check-in; breathe; strip out blame with the question, “does this emotion describe just me or does it include other people or events?” and checking in with our wants and needs using Burbol’s Hierarchy of Happiness.
- Respect the speaker’s boundaries, safe space boundaries, and the safe space agreements by not creating any circumstance where the speaker would need to remind us about those boundaries and agreements and by gracefully accepting redirection when they do.
- Enforce the listener’s boundaries, the safe space boundaries, and the safe space agreements by gently reminding the speaker about these boundaries if any are crossed in the moment. Don’t let any single person become the “rules enforcer.” Everyone works together.
- To gently ask for rephrasing of the ego’s language. “Timeout. I’m struggling to receive this message. There seems like a lot of ‘you, you, you,’ to me. Can I request a rephrase without the ‘you, you, you’.” “Can we pause, please? I’m hearing a lot of ‘always’ and ‘never’, can I request a rephrase? Can you be more specific and just list facts as a camera would record them?”
- Reflect back the message that was received. “What I think I’m hearing you say is…” and “correct me if I’m wrong, you’re saying…”
- Ask clarifying questions. Don’t assume anything.
- Asking for simplification of the message when needed. “Timeout. That’s a lot. I’m a little lost. Can you simplify the message or break it into smaller pieces?”
- Allow the speaker to speak and for others to have the space to active listen. Look for someone who has a hand raised. Listen to the clarifications others are receiving.
- Check-in to ensure the speaker is understood with questions like, “do you feel heard,” and “are you complete?”
We’re done when:
- Sending a message is done when each listener has demonstrated they understood the message by repeating it back to the speaker and the speaker confirms they got it right; not just one listener, every listener.
- A specific person’s topic or sub-topic is complete when they confirm that it is complete.
- If a person is not complete, they can still consciously choose to pass the mic.
- Taking turns holding space is done and complete when each person has confirmed they feel complete with sharing all their topics for today.
- Taking turns holding space is done and incomplete when the group runs out of time. This will happen. Bring it to a safe place to pause the conversation and schedule when it will be picked back up.
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
What next?
Next article in this series: Com101 – Safe Chat vs Safe Travel
Previous article in this series: Com101 – Safe Conversation Agreements
Go back to the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.
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