Com101 – A Genuine Apology

Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!

Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny

Here is the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.

In my previous article, I talked about the catch 22 of communication which explains why miscommunication is so common. As part of resolving miscommunications, the need for apologies surfaces. Let’s not miscommunicate the apology too.

This is a meaty article. You may want to bookmark it or text it to yourself. Here’s a table of contents for how we’re going to break down this topic.

This Article’s Table of Contents:

The Soul of An Apology
Words That Are Not An Apology
Calling Out Inadequate Apologies
Finding the Words for a Genuine Apology
How to Ask for An Apology
Refusal to Offer or Accept an Apology

Apologies are one of the many things about communication that sound simple and obvious but can fall apart in practice. This is because an apology is not a script that can be followed to somehow “fix” a situation or someone’s feelings. It’s not a transactional conversation where they say, “I’m sorry,” and we suddenly feel better. How many times has someone rolled their eyes at us while apologizing, or said, “I’m sorry,” through grit teeth? How many times has someone given us a long flowery string of sugarcoated words that are no more than a showy attempt to disguise the fact that they are not sorry in the slightest?

The Soul of An Apology

Genuine apologies are intentions, not words. An apology without genuine intentions behind it is like a blues song with no soul, it’s just words.

If we did an internet search on “how to give an apology,” we would find plenty of scripts and four step guides that sound like instructions for two robots. “1. Say, ‘I’m sorry.’ 2. Explain what happened. 3. Receive forgiveness.” No. People are not robots and if we’re explaining what happened then we are definitely not apologizing.

Apologies are when we communicate our understanding of how our actions impacted other people’s experience in a negative way as well as our commitment to ourselves to do things differently in the future. It’s a communication we make after we learn a lesson from an unfortunate situation. This unfortunate situation has changed us on the inside and we intend to show the world that change on the outside with our future actions. From there, we share these intentions and inquire how we can make things right with the people we’ve hurt both now and in the future. The soul behind the words of an apology is that we have wholeheartedly decided to do something differently. We’re apologizing because we’ve decided to be better, not because we’re trying to appease anyone else. We’ve had a shift inside us. We’ve learned a lesson and we are committed to a change in our own lives because of it. Only then is the apology genuine. The apology is not just words, it’s letting the other person know we have experienced an internal shift and a course correction because of an unfortunate interaction that included them.

A genuine apology is very close to saying, “thank you for this lesson that I didn’t know I had to learn. I now see how my actions impacted you and hurt you. I am sorry. Now that I’ve learned this lesson, I won’t let this happen to you or to anyone else in the future. How can I make this right for you?”

An apology has 3 main parts, listen for understanding and our lesson, express our understanding and remorse, make things right for them, and gratitude.

We can break that down into smaller steps.

(Part 1) (Step 1) The first part of an apology is to hold space for the other person until they confirm we have demonstrated a full understanding of what they experienced, how it would have felt if we were in their shoes experiencing it, and what we contributed to that painful experience. That is a combination of every article in this series so far.

If holding space for them is not part of our apology, it is doubtful that they will feel heard or understood. Can we really expect anyone to accept and apology when they don’t feel heard or understood? We might not even be addressing their actual pain. We are probably making assumptions and apologizing for random things other than what actually hurt them. If they don’t feel heard, they will not, and should not accept our apology because our apology is not genuine. An ingenuine apology of this nature was never for them, it was to satisfy our own ego so it can continue to always be “right.”

As part of holding space, the second step occurs, (Step 2) we experience a real and internal shift. This part doesn’t involve the other person because it happens completely inside of us. However, this step is often impossible without hearing the other person’s experience firsthand. The other person is crucial; they are often the catalyst. At some point, we experience an “ah-ha” moment of understanding. We suddenly get where the other person is coming from, and we legitimately feel their pain. I call this the moment when “our lesson is revealed.” We hold space until the other person is complete and until our lesson is revealed.

If our “lesson” is somehow making it okay to blame the other person, then it’s not a lesson. Things like, “the lesson is, you’re too emotional,” “I see now, you can’t handle rejection,” or “the lesson is, you suck at communication, ” this is just our ego trying to fool us into believing we have nothing to learn here by making it the other person’s fault. That needs to be a big red flag to ourselves that our ego is in the driver’s seat lying to us and trying to trick us into learning nothing. Every misunderstanding is an opportunity for us to gain new insight about ourselves and how to interact with the world around us. Don’t let our ego twist and pervert this opportunity as “they are the problem.” Instead, we could be asking ourselves, “What unfortunate actions did I contribute to this, and what could I have done better?”

It’s not the other person’s job to convince us we have a lesson to learn, it’s our job to find it. Odds are, the insight will just click for us and when it does, it can transform the whole situation from a negative to positive. If it doesn’t click for us naturally, then we need to be curious and ask more clarifying questions. We need to actively pursue what we could have done better for our own benefit. The lesson may be that we have to make an eye-opening, life-changing shift in our behavior, or it can be the opposite. It might not be all about our behavior and instead, it might be all about how we see the world around us or the people in it. This shift in perspective might be what creates an obvious need for us to change how we interact with people and with the world. We may learn something new about the person in front of us that warrants us shifting our behavior to respect them properly.

Just because the lesson clicked for us doesn’t change the fact that we hurt the other person. Sharing our lesson may or may not be appropriate or even received well by the other person because it’s our lesson, not theirs. Our lesson is a blessing for us, but our shift in thinking and the change in our behavior that will inevitably come from that shift has nothing to do with what the other person might need right now. On top of that, just because we learned a lesson doesn’t mean the person we hurt will listen to or believe our commitment to behave differently. We must be okay with that. We have to set expectations that release them from any obligation to trust us. We will be different because we learned a lesson that will improve our life and how we interact with others. They are free to not believe us today and instead observe our consistent future actions that will demonstrate the shift in us today. Either way, our shift is not enough, it is for us, not them. We must address their pain, their unmet needs, their broken expectations, and we must do it to their satisfaction, not ours.

Once we’ve held space to completion and our lesson has been revealed, (Part 2) (Step 3) the spoken apology begins with a recap of what holding space taught us: their experience, a walk in their shoes, and validating how they felt.

After we recap our full understanding of their point of view we need to (Step 4) acknowledge our actions and how we created pain for the other person, then (Step 5) say, “I’m sorry” and mean it from the bottom of our heart.

Saying “I’m sorry,” is a bare minimum. However, let’s not stop there. If we’ve held space and genuinely put ourselves in their shoes, we will likely have more words that express our remorse. Let’s not go on a tangent, over embellish, or make it all about us. Instead, just let our remorse out in our own words. A little later in this article, I will go into more detail about which words can turn into pitfalls. For now, take comfort in knowing, if we are speaking from our heart because we understand how we’ve hurt them and we truly regret hurting them, then they will feel that connection at the heart, even if our words stumble.

Next, we need to (Part 3) (Step 6) specifically find out how to make things right from the other person’s point of view. We made a commitment to ourselves to behave differently because we’ve learned a lesson, but that’s not enough. That’s for us. An apology is not about us. What do they need to repair the damage we may have done to this relationship and to them personally?

Often times, holding space, learning a lesson, acknowledging our actions, and letting our heart express our sorrow, is everything the other person needed. However, we still ask, “what do you need to make this right?” If they are already complete, they will tell us. It can actually be quite a relief to hear them say something like, “you already have. I’m good now. Thank you.”

However, there will be many times that they need something specific. They may need us to replace or repair something physical to make things right again. Sometimes they need to hear a very specific phrase or commitment from us. Sometimes making things right involves repairing the damage we’ve done to their emotional safe space. Sometimes we need to make a round in our friend circle or coworkers to clear up the damage we’ve caused to their reputation. What they need to “make things right” may not be obvious to us. This is why it’s so important to ask them what they need.

We will explore asking for what we want or need in an upcoming article. For now, remember to keep the focus on what people do want and do need instead of talking about what they don’t want and don’t need. If we ask, “how can we make this right,” and the person we hurt is responding with a list of things they don’t want, try gently asking them, “instead of telling me what you don’t want, can you share what you do want?”

As they make their need known to us, we will do our best to embrace their requests and make things right. We will do our best to respect them and their boundaries. We will also use our boundaries to make sure their request is a reasonable one. If they’re request sounds more like they are taking revenge, then call a timeout because we clearly missed something before this moment. Maybe we didn’t hold space properly. We didn’t learn the right lesson, we didn’t truly walk in their shoes, we used poor wording when we apologized, or there’s just something else that is not right for the other person. Use our active listening to clarify and ask them what we missed. “Hold on. Timeout. Based on the request you just made, I feel like I must have missed something. Can we backup a little bit? Can you help me understand what might be still missing for you?”

Once we understand what we can do to make things right for them, (Step 7) we recap the action items and then we take action to change our behavior both now and in the future. Our apology is not our words but our actions from this day forward. Imagine if we walked away having a miscommunication right at the very end about the exact items to started taking action on and we did something other than what they were asking for. Recap and verify the action items. Say something like, “based on what we just talked about, I will (recap the actions I will take to make this right). Did I get that right?”

This whole experience becomes a blessing in our lives that allows us to grow and build stronger connections. We become a better person because of this unfortunate event, and through healthy communication, right up to the end, this relationship is strengthened.

Finally, (Part 4) (Step 8) we thank them for the opportunity to improve this relationship. Many other people may not give us opportunities like this. Many other people may have decided we are wrong or bad and not worth having a conversation about what’s troubling them because they don’t see us as worth it. Some people may not have the time or energy for these types of conversations and simply never reach out. They could have ghosted us or started a smear campaign against, but the person in front of us didn’t do that. They talked through it with us. Pause and recognize that. They showed us the actions of a healthy, emotionally mature individual. Thank them for being this type of person. Thank them for taking the time and energy to talk through this with us. Thank them for believing we might come to an understanding together and then actually doing it.

Here’s a recap of the intentions behind a genuine apology or the soul of an apology:

Part 1: Listen for understanding and our lesson

Hold space for them until they confirm we have demonstrated a full understanding of what they experienced, how it would have felt if we were in their shoes, and what unfortunate actions we contributed to their experience of pain.
Continue to hold space until our lesson is revealed, and we experience an internal shift. We stay curious with ourselves and ask, “If this is an opportunity for me to learn a perspective-shifting lesson, what would that lesson be? What unfortunate actions did I contribute to this? What could I have done better?” It may be a lesson about ourselves, life, people, how to treat others, or about this specific person. Regardless it’s our job to find our lesson.

Part 2: Express our understanding and remorse

The spoken apology begins with a recap of what holding space has taught us: their experience, a walk in their shoes, and validating how we would have felt the same pain that they felt.
Acknowledge our unfortunate actions and how they created pain for the other person. Our reasons why have no place here. Our actions hurt them, acknowledge it.
We say, “I’m sorry” and we allow our heart to express that remorse without making it all about us.

Part 3: make things right for them

We ask, “what do you need to make this right?” with the intention to embrace their needs as a priority.
Recap the action items to verify everyone’s on the same page and then take action to address their needs and change our behavior both now and in the future. Our apology is not our words but our actions from this day forward. We get one step closer to becoming our best self because of this unfortunate event.

Part 4: gratitude

Thank them for talking through this with us. Thank them for this opportunity to improve this relationship and improve ourselves with a new life lesson. Again, we get one step closer to becoming our best self because of this unfortunate event.

I believe, when our intentions and our heart are in the right place, most of the words will simply come to us naturally. However, I’d still like to walk through some of the dos and don’ts of the actual words we might choose.

Here is an infographic style recap of the soul of an apology for personal use. Feel free to save, print, and share with friends, coworkers, and loved ones.

Words That Are Not An Apology

I’m going to keep this short and to the point. Here are examples of phrases that are not apologies, how each phrase is likely to be receive by the other person, and why the phrase lands wrong. Final, I’ll give an example of a better phrase to try.

Key: “What’s said.” àO “What’s Received.” The reasons why. à@ “Try this phrase instead.”

“I’m sorry you feel that way.” àO “I don’t care about you or your feelings,” “I’m not interested and I’m not listening,” or “you shouldn’t feel that way.” Invalidates someone’s feelings and doesn’t show any interest or empathy for the other person or their situation. à@ “It sounds like you are saying you feel _____ and _____. Did I get that right? Can you help me understand better? (Then start active listening.)”

“I’m sorry you misunderstood me.” àO “You’re wrong. I’m right. This is all your fault. I’m not listening anymore.” Blames the other person for the miscommunication and then shrugs responsibility. It takes two. It’s both people’s responsibility to clear up communication, starting with us, not the other person. à@ “It sounds like my communication about this wasn’t the best since we’re having a misunderstanding. I’m wondering how I could improve my message. Can I try a do-over? What if I said it more like…”

“I’m sorry but…” àO “I’m not sorry because…” The word “but” instantly negates the words, “I’m sorry.” Everything else sounds like excuses that shrug responsibility and blame. à@ “Based on everything you just told me about how this went down from your point of view, (recap their point of view), that does sound hard. It makes sense that you would feel (the way they described). I would feel that way too if I was in your shoes. I’m sorry for (my actions that hurt you). I’m starting to see why we had this unfortunate misunderstanding. It looked different from my point of view because I didn’t know everything you just told me. Are you complete? Can we pass the mic so I might share what happened from my point of view, knowing it will be lacking the insight you just shared with me?”

“I already said I was sorry.” àO “I’m still not sorry.” If someone is trying to talk through something after an apology was made, then that means things are not resolved for their point of view. Whatever was missing from the apology last time is still missing. Saying, “I already said I was sorry,” when the last apology was somehow incomplete, will not magically fix the last apology. Something is missing or lacking. à@ “Timeout. I must have missed something important. I thought we already talked through this part and found a resolution. Does it feel incomplete for you? Can you help me understand what I may have missed that left it feeling incomplete for you?”

“What about that time you…” àO“You do it too, so I’m not apologizing.” This is an attack and a deflection of responsibility by blaming the other person for an event that is cherrypicked from the past. à@ “Timeout. I’m feeling myself getting defensive. I need a 10 minute break so I can hold space for you better.”

“Look what you made me do. It was your fault that I…” àO“I’m blaming you for my big emotions and my big reaction and I’m taking no responsibility for this.” This is a deflection of responsibility by blaming the other person. We are all responsible for our own emotions, actions, and emotional reactions. à@ “I didn’t realize it at the time, but the situation triggered some unexpected emotions in me, and I was being reactive. My emotions and emotional reactions are my responsibly. It’s also my responsibility to work on healing my own triggers so my past traumas don’t spill onto the people around me. I’m sorry. My reaction was exaggerated and uncalled for.”

“I apologize for whatever happened.” àO“I don’t care about whatever it was. I don’t care about you or your feelings. Here are some words to shut you up.” This demonstrates that the person has not taken the time to understand the situation and has no intention to listen. A genuine apology will tend to be more specific about exactly what went wrong. à@ “Based on everything you just told me about how this went down from your point of view, (recap their point of view). That sounds difficult and painful. It makes sense that you would feel (the way they described). I would feel that way too if I was in your shoes. I’m sorry for (my actions that hurt you).”

“Mistakes were made.” àO“It’s your fault too and I’m not apologizing.” This is a deflection of responsibility by minimizing one’s hurtful actions. à@ “I see now how (recap of my actions) hurt you. That makes sense. I would be hurt too if someone did that to me. I’m sorry.”

“Okay, I apologize. I didn’t mean to trigger you.” àO“I don’t need to apologize because you’re too sensitive. It’s your fault for overreacting.” This is a deflection of responsibility by attacking and blaming the other person. à@ “I see you are upset. Can you help me understand what you are experiencing?”

Calling out inadequate apologies

When someone gives us an apology that doesn’t feel genuine, we don’t have to accept it and we should not accept it. This is a boundary, “I don’t accept apologies that are ingenuine or don’t make proper amends for the harm done to me. I callout apologies that feel ingenuine and offer a do-over. I express what needs must be addressed to make amends.”

Before we jump straight to boundary enforcement, one thing to consider is that perhaps they are unconsciously resisting because we also need to apologize, and we haven’t done so yet. Sometimes apologies are a two-way street where one person apologies for something small and it unlocks something in the other person to also apologize for something small. With those two small things out of they way, someone feels like they can apologize for something a little bigger until the back and forth walks through all the items both people need understanding and amends for. That’s a valid experience.

When it comes to taking the path of sharing and enforcing a boundary around an inadequate apology, we will find ourselves considering the caliber of person (A, B, C, D) from our article, “Identifying who we’re talking to”. Here’s a quick look at the chart from that article again:

If they’ve already proven to us that they are an A type person, then we can work with them and be fairly direct about identifying what’s missing for us. If they are a B type person, we might tread carefully while assuming they have good intentions. If they are a C or D, we may want to stick with a firm boundary that includes short descriptions of our core feelings and core needs only as to not leave ourselves open to interpretation or having our words twisted against us.

Like all our boundaries, we start with gentle reminders and gentle enforcement. When we gently call out that it felt insincere, we don’t elaborate or educate. We’re not trying to make them wrong, we’re simply trying to bring awareness to a feeling we are experiencing. Simply call out the feeling the insincere apology create in us with as few words as possible. We covered many of these reason with the phrases in the last section. Their insincere apology might feel like blaming, defending, attacking, deflecting, minimizing, disinterest, invalidating, vague, placating, and lack of ownership for one’s contributions.

When we call out what’s missing from the apology with an A or B style person, we can do so knowing their intentions are to actually apologize. It might sound like this: “Hold on, timeout. I appreciate that you just said, ‘I’m sorry.’ Something about it didn’t feel genuine. On my side, I seem to be receiving it more like an attack. Can we try a do-over?” Being able to speak about how we might feel attacked or blamed is amazing when both people have built enough trust and practice to be that direct with each other.

An A or a B style personality might also happily walk through some of the steps for a genuine apology with us. For example, “I’m not sure what’s missing. Would you be willing to walk through the steps of an apology to make sure we didn’t miss anything? Can you recap what message you received from me when you were holding space? Can you tell me what it would have felt like for you if you were walking in my shoes? Would you be willing to tell me a little about which actions you feel you contributed to this unfortunate situation or what you wish you had done differently? Maybe we can retry the step where we talk about what we could do to make this right for me.”

Since their intentions are to figure out how to apologize, it’s okay to stumble a little together until we ultimately find all the pieces of the apology. However, we respond very differently with someone who doesn’t seem to have any intention of a genuine apology. We let our boundaries do most of the work.

If we are interacting with someone who is a C or D, we are probably already feeling defensive and should not try to elaborate or explain. If someone is being manipulative or combative with their insincere apologies, we don’t have to accept the apology and we don’t have to explain why. Manipulators and bullies often try to make it our problem that we are not accepting their ingenuine apology. They will attempt to bait others into longer explanations so they can redirect their efforts to picking apart our words. Don’t play their games. If they don’t want to give a genuine apology, there will be no convincing them or pointing them in the right direction so don’t even try. Simply become a broken record, “something is missing for me. I just have this weird gut feeling. I just don’t feel right yet.”

In the case that this person is okay with hurting us, not making an attempt to understand us, and also giving us insincere apologies, will may have to accept the person and the situation for what it is and enforce our other boundaries accordingly. This often means we will limit their access to us and our space as we are responsible for keeping ourselves safe both now and in the future.

When we take any action to enforce a safe distance from someone, it would be wise of us to take special care to check-in with ourselves first. Our own ego will want to sneak in little forms of retaliation and label that actions as “enforcing boundaries.” If our response is to hurt them in any way, we are not enforcing a boundary, we are attempting to take revenge or bully them into compliance and an apology. That escalates the issue and shows the world we seek lose-lose solutions. If we are seeking lose-lose situations, then we’ve miss one of the main points of this series, which is to only seek outcomes that benefit everyone and reject and walk away from all win-lose or lose-lose outcomes.

In some cases, it’s no longer about calling out an ingenuine apology but rather, “why do we keep ending up here?” Sometime we reach a point where we are no longer interested in apologies from this person. Maybe our trust is broken beyond repair, maybe they have a pattern of hurting us even though their apologies are genuine, maybe they have manipulated us with apologies in the past, maybe they are accident prone, or whatever the reason, we simply reached a point where won’t consider an apology anymore. That would be our choice. If we are in this position, we may want to check-in with ourselves to make sure there is a concreate reason for this decision that is not simply our ego getting the best of us or convincing us that the other person is “bad” so our ego can be “right”.

A concreate reason would be a boundary violation that has reached a level where apologies from them no longer hold any meaning. We would fall back on the articles on boundaries for how to enforce these boundaries. It is possible to gently and firmly let someone know, “I hear your apology. Unfortunately, we’ve reached a point where I’m no longer interested in apologies. I’m no longer okay with being part of this pattern we are in. I have a few boundaries I’m going to be enforcing to prevent this situation from occurring in the future.”

Finding the words for a genuine apology

With the dos and don’ts of the last section fresh in our minds, let’s put together a script for an apology.

Before we get to the actual words, here is a quick recap of “the soul of an apology” from earlier in this article. An apology has 3 parts, listen for understanding and our lesson, express our understanding and remorse, make things right for them, and gratitude. We can break that into smaller steps. (1) Hold space to understand their experience, walk in their shoes, and validate how we would feel the same way if we were in their shoes. Continue to hold space until (2) our lesson is revealed. Then (3) we begin the spoken apology with a recap of what holding space has taught us: their experience, a walk in their shoes, and validating how we would have felt the same pain that they felt. (4) We acknowledge our unfortunate actions and how we negatively impacted them, not our reasons why. (5) Say, “I’m sorry,” and allow our heart to express that remorse without making it all about us. (6) Ask, “what do you need to make this right?” (7) Recap and verify the action items and then take action to address their needs and change our behavior both now and in the future. (8) Thank them for talking through this with us. Thank them for this opportunity to improve this relationship and improve ourselves with a new life lesson.

Now let’s add real words to these steps.

First, (1) we hold space, and we walk in their shoes until we can validate how they feel. This starts with active listening, asking clarifying questions, and repeating back what we received to demonstrate we heard them correctly. Phrases like, “If I’m hearing you correctly, it sounds like you’re saying…”; “correct me if I’m wrong, what I’m hearing you say is…”; and “I’m curious about this one part. Can you help me understand better?”

Holding space will shift to walking in the other person’s shoes and validating their experience. Phrases like, “I can see now why you felt that way. If I was in that situation and someone did that to me, I would feel that way too.”; and “It make sense that you felt (the way they described feeling). I would feel that way too if I was in your shoes.”

Holding space continues as we stay curious and internally ask ourselves, “if this is an opportunity for me to learn a perspective-shifting lesson, what would that lesson be? What unfortunate actions did I contribute to this? What could I have done better?” We do this until (2) our lesson is revealed.

(3) “Based on everything you just told me about how this went down from your point of view, (recap their point of view), that sounds difficult and painful. It makes sense that you would feel (the way they described). I would feel that way too if I was in your shoes.”

(4) “I see now how (describe my actions and my choices) impacted you and hurt you.”

(5) “I’m sorry and (allow our heart to express that remorse.) I hurt you and I feel terrible. That is not how I want to treat people.”

(6) “What do you need to make this right?” Then go back to active listening.

(7) “Based on what we just talked about, I will (recap the actions I will take to make this right). Did I get that right?”

(8) “Thank you for taking the time and energy to talk through this with me. Thank you for this opportunity to improve our connection and our friendship. I really appreciate you and this friendship. Thank you for this chance to learn a new life lesson.”

How to ask for an apology

Our approach to an apology started with holding space to really understand the person before we began our spoken apology. Holding space is the first step. Without holding space, we might apologize for the wrong thing or accidently come off as being insincere. We slowed everything down, gained real understanding for the other person’s experience, and then we apologized for what we contributed to their experience.

What if, instead of saying, “I demand an apology,” we start by asking someone to hold space for us? Jumping straight to our need for an apology is the opposite of everything we’ve learned about overcoming the ego and not blaming others. Let’s start with, “is now a good time to talk?” Then we can ask them to take turns holding space with us. Odds are, if they hold space for us, they will realize an apology is in order. At the same time, when we hold space for them, we will probably realize how things looked from their point of view and realize we might also owe them an apology too.

A lot of times, apologies just happen as part of the deeper connection that comes from holding space. The apology comes out as part of active listening because it demonstrates our understanding of how our actions have hurt them. In theory, when we are holding space for someone, we are focusing on hearing their message and not sending our own message. Still, an apology will often fall out of our mouths as we hold space because suddenly, we get what happened from their point of view and we feel terrible.

If this happens, don’t consider the apology “wrong,” just because we’re in the middle of the holding space process. Apologies are often part of the validation process when holding space. At the same time, don’t let the mic get pulled out of someone’s hands. If we start going on and on about our side, our story, and how sorry we are, we’re not holding space anymore because we’re not making it all about us. Make a small comment, a small apology, and an offer to give a full apology at the end. This might sound something like, “oh wow. I didn’t realize that. Oh, I’m so sorry. When you’re complete with sharing, and I understand more about how things unfolded for you, I’d like an opportunity to apologize if you’d be open to it.”

We talking about the apologies that surface in the middle of holding space because sometimes people won’t feel “complete” with their turn on the mic until they get an apology. This makes sense as the apology demonstrates a next-level understanding for what the person was sharing and validates their experience and their emotions. For these reasons, a small apology and an offer to give a full apology when holding space is complete may be the only specific type of communication that can be slipped into the act of holding space as an acceptable exception to the rule. All other forms of communication would be much more successful if treated as a separate step after everyone is finished holding space.

Returning to the topic at hand, “how to ask for an apology,” we start with a request for the other person to take turns holding space and if the apology does not surface naturally, we can request it as part of what we need to feel “complete.” For example, “Thank you for hearing me. I feel like you’ve heard my whole message, and at the same time, I don’t quite feel complete yet. If you’re open to it, I feel like I need an apology for (the specific unfortunate actions that have already been discussed).”

We can also request an apology as a follow up item after everyone is finished holding space or as group activity after holding space. Sometimes it can be wonderful to get everything completely out in the open and then transition into a separate round of apologies.

Refusal to Offer or Accept an Apology

If we find that we are afraid to apologize or afraid to ask for an apology, we are probably surrounded by the wrong type of people. When we have the right, A caliber, people in our life, apologies are genuine and abundant. People who are A caliber understand how we’re all human and we all make mistakes. When our circle is full of this type of person, everyone will want to improve communication and relationships and become better humans. These are the type of humans who are grateful for the opportunity to take steps to make things right with those they’re accidentally hurt.

At the same time, the ideal case of being surrounded by A caliber people is not always the case or the situation. If someone doesn’t want to apologize, we must remember, that we are better off recognizing and accepting that this is their choice. Their actions and choices show us what type of person they really are. As a final step in having our request for an apology denied, take a moment to verify what they are doing. Make it clear to them how we received them and make sure we are all on the same page. “Okay, I feel I’ve shared why I feel hurt and that part of what I need to make things right for me is an apology. What I’m hearing you say is, you are not going to apology. Is that correct? Do you need time and space to process all this? Are you saying you’re not apologizing today or not ever?”

Perhaps emotions are higher than we thought, and we need a timeout to reschedule this conversation after everyone has had a little more time and distance from whatever created the misunderstanding. Checking in with them to confirm what type of “no” they are expressing can create a moment of understanding or reveal something they need before they can apologize.

If they don’t want to work with us for a way to “make it right,” that is their choice, and we will respect it. Remember, we already held space with them and they understand they’ve hurt us with their unfortunate actions. They understand they’ve hurt us, and for whatever reason, they are not going to apologize. There’s our lesson. It’s a lesson about this specific person, and perhaps humans in general. The lesson is, this person doesn’t apologize for things like this. We may have to ponder more on whether this is a human thing or just this person. Perhaps this person simply doesn’t know how to apologize, doesn’t know how to regulate their emotions, or doesn’t know how to manage their own ego. We may never know what it is but, it is what it is. Maybe we can ask a trusted circle of A caliber people for a reality check on our own ego and if we are the one who is out of line.

Either way, we verify and accept their choice rather than push them for an apology that they are never going to give. We can now adjust our expectations of them and our distance to them. Even if we did somehow successfully push them into giving an apology, a forced apology is not an apology. That would only create more animosity and damage the relationship further. We would be using the behaviors of a bully or a manipulator to get our way. What would that make us? Maybe someday things will change, until then, we will adjust our distance to them based on the choices they just verified they are making.

If they confirm that they are not interested in finding resolution with us or making things right with us, we thank them and respect their decision. “Okay, I hear you when you say you are not going to apologize, that’s your choice. Thank you for letting me know. Thank you for your honesty. If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.” We let go of our expectations and we embody the safe-ask culture we discussed in the article, “Safe Space Culture.”

I understand that we are in the middle of a moment where we feel we need an apology. It sounds outrageous to say, “okay. Thanks for your honesty,” as if it was no big deal. We are hurt. We’ve expressed that hurt. Now they don’t want to apologize for hurting us? That sounds infuriating. Again, we need to check our ego and our expectations. Yes, it’s infuriating to know they are okay with hurting us and not apologizing for whatever reason. At the same time, we just learned a huge lesson about what type of person they. They just did us a big favor by telling us who they are and how they intend on treating us in the future. Remember that reframe, they just did us a big favor by hurting us today, rather than hurting us in a bigger way in the future.

Here’s another way to look at it. Let’s say we lent someone $10 and they didn’t pay us back. Then, when we specifically asked them to make things right by paying us back, they said “no.” We could become infuriated or we could thank our lucky stars we only lend them $10 and not $10,000. Learning what type of person they are at the low cost of $10, is wonderful. We thank them for the lesson and set a boundary that will keep us safe when it comes to interactions with this person. We will simply never lend them money again. When they come back one day and ask to borrow money again, we simply say, “oh, no thank you. I don’t lend to people who don’t pay me back.” Our goal is to listen for and learn our life lessons as soon as possible and at the lower price points. Every time we do, we save ourselves a much bigger and more expensive lesson somewhere down the road. Rather than be enraged over $10 today, we can be thankful we will never be enraged over $10,000 because this person broke our trust today rather than somewhere down the road. If we want to take that a step further, we can watch people who don’t pay our other friends back, and learn the same lesson without ever lending out our own money.

Now do that same thing with identifying people as A, B, C, or D type communicators. Actually learning a life lesson from a small misunderstanding with a C or D caliber person today is priceless compared to finding ourselves in the middle of a big misunderstanding with a C or D communicator. See it as a victory because it is. It’s an even bigger victory if we can learn this lesson by observing our other friends’ interaction and without being in the misunderstanding, without lending the money. Be grateful.

For reasons unknown to us, they don’t want to make things right with us. Now we know. Maybe from their point of view, we are the toxic one. They might think we are the one who is unsafe or manipulative. Let’s not forget to explore and process that. Let’s check-in with ourselves and our A caliber friends. Whether that’s true or not, pushing them for an apology will only prove them right. Sometimes the only way we can show someone we respect them is to accept them as is and accept the situation as is. Sometimes all we can do is to give them the space they are asking for and wish them the best on their journey while we get back to doing our best on our journey.

Regardless of who is right or wrong, who is toxic or not, whose emotions are spilling over, who ego is making up stories, or who will or will not apologize, we have to accept everyone for who they are today and where they are on their life’s journey. We have to accept the situation as is if we’re ever going to learn from it and move forward with a life lesson.

We have to accept that sometimes an apology will never come because sometimes that’s what two people needed to experience to inspire the next step of one or both of their life-journeys. We have to accept that sometime our trust cannot be repaired and sometimes their trust cannot be repaired. For whatever reason, sometimes an apology is not enough or will never happen. As we will see in the next article, the situation is what it is. We must accept everything as is and take our next step on our own journey for our growth and wellbeing while also respecting that they are on their own journey with circumstances and choices we will never understand. We must respect that they are on a different path than us. They will learn different things than us and their lessons will be revealed to them at a time that is perfect for them, not us.