Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Here is the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.
In my previous articles, we’ve been talking about boundaries, how to enforce them, how to receive a “no”. We’ve moved on to how to receive a “no” from a proven friend with healthy-ish communication skills, how to receive a “no” from a good person with unhealthy communication skills, and now we’ve come to manipulators.
Here is the Table of Contents for this article:
Let’s talk about manipulators and abusers enforcing “boundaries” to control us. How do we even approach this? How do we allow people to be human, make mistakes, have bad days, miscommunicate from time to time, but also not get taken for a ride? How do we protect ourselves without treating every person we meet like they are out to hurt us or take advantage of us? We have to identify them, and repel them, but what are we even looking for?
As we said in the last article, we start by assuming accidental incompetence instead of intentional malice. We start with giving people grace because they are human. Then we let them prove to us whether or not they deserve our grace. That means, in the beginning, we don’t know if someone is a manipulator because we haven’t detected it yet. We also don’t know if they have healing or destructive intentions yet.
First of all, both good and bad people use unhealthy behaviors and unhealthy communication to get attention and to get their way. Many good people who use manipulation techniques and tactics and don’t even realize it. We’re probably all guilty of this, me included. Intentional or not, it’s still manipulating. There is an argument that if people have good intentions, it doesn’t matter what words they use, they are still good people. That describes the type of person in our previous section, someone who is good intentioned but accidentally hurts their relationships with unhealthy communication. We identify them and we keep a safe distance from them. We step outside the range of their invisible sword.
In this section I’m talking about the type of people who have intentions to use others for their own gain or force people to do things based on manipulation and unhealthy power dynamics.
Emotional Manipulators vs Intellectual Manipulators
We’re going to focus on two styles of manipulation: manipulation using emotions and manipulation using intellect. An emotional manipulator uses big emotions to get what they want, and they often don’t hide what they are doing. In fact, they often make a show as big and loud as they can in public spaces. An intellectual manipulator uses cold calculation and every tool available to them to get what they want, and they often do it quietly and behind the scenes.
Here’s a few words and phrases that can describe how an emotional manipulator gets their way: weaponized anxiety; loudly playing the victim; temper tantrums; bullying and harassment; showering us with guilt and shame; loudly making allegations about us, spotlighting their pitiful circumstances, using sexual seduction, or flooding us with love and affection. These are all underlining themes that can lead to an attempt to control us with an unhealthy boundary.
An intellectual manipulator uses very different tools. They are often smart and charming. They have a win-lose approach to life and people. It is totally acceptable that others will lose so they can win. They must win by any means necessary. They know all the words to say that will lead a conversation exactly where they want and go in order to get the other person to give concessions or give away their power. They will call you on the rules and agreements that you never actually agreed to and, if called out, they will claim, “I’m just being assertive, not pushy.” They will claim they didn’t know and it was your job to tell them. Yes, the super smart one will fain incompetence to get a free pass on one of our boundaries. They will push the limits of our social graces and politeness.
These intellectual manipulators can be intellectual bullies who use their knowledge to one-up others or knock others down. They loudly point out they have knowledge we don’t, “oh, you don’t already know how that works? I thought you said you had a degree. Well, good thing I’m here to explain it to you. Let’s not tell anyone though. We wouldn’t want you to get found out and fired.” They can also twist knowledge and tools that were meant for win-win situations to serve their win-lose approach to life. For example, reading this entire article to learn about what they might be up against, then adapting phrases they found so they might appear to have great communication and healthy boundaries while using that knowledge to pick apart our boundaries. They twist healthy tools so they may actually secretly pursue win-lose outcomes and staying a few steps ahead of others.
Whether they use emotional manipulation or intellectual manipulation, we will encounter manipulators. They may be intentionally manipulating us, or it could be an unconscious accident. They may be masters of manipulation who blend in or amateurs who often get caught. Either way, we must detect them and keep ourselves safe from manipulation. This is why I put so much detail into “Step 1: Defining a Boundary.” Our well-defined boundaries will help keep us safe and knowing what a well-define boundary looks like will allow us to call out people who attempt to use twisted “boundaries” to manipulate us.
If we ask someone to compromise their safety or their needs for one of our boundaries, that is an unhealthy boundary. That also works in reverse. If someone asks us to compromise our safety or our needs for one of their boundaries, that is also an unhealthy boundary. We must look for this when other people give us their “boundaries”. We must watch people when they exercise their “boundaries” on others. If we see someone using boundaries to manipulate other people into getting what they want in a way that does not benefit everyone, we can expect them to do it to us too. They have proven they are a manipulator, therefore, we do not have to interact with them.
We also have to remind ourselves that we are not the exception. The phrase, “but they would never do that to me,” is false. It doesn’t matter how much they love you or claim to. It doesn’t matter how much you love them. If their pattern is that they manipulate others, then they will manipulate you eventually if they are not already manipulating you. No one is safe from a manipulator. Manipulating people to get what they want is a survival mechanism and we need to detect it and limit their access to us as soon as possible.
This means I have some very hard truths to share. If our boss or manager is a manipulator, they are not going to change, we probably need to find a new job. If our partner or spouse is a manipulator, they are not going to change, we probably need to break up or get a divorce. If our roommate is a manipulator, we probably need to move out as soon as possible. Situations with these manipulators tend to only ever become worse in the future, not better. The longer we are around them, the more they learn how to push our buttons. The sooner we change our surroundings, the better. I understand not everyone is in a position to act on changing their surroundings today, but today can be the day a decision is made to start making the process possible. Until then we get to practice having firm boundaries with a very difficult person.
Responding to a manipulative boundary
When someone hits us with a manipulative “boundary,” it is our job to call it out as not benefiting everyone. We get to practice saying “no” to their “no” without starting an argument. Many of the upcoming articles will go into a lot of tips and techniques for when two people don’t agree on something, but for now, we simply receive them with grace and then enforce our boundaries for safety.
We continue to be an example of safe-ask culture. We thank them for sharing. We call a timeout if anyone is too emotional. We make sure we heard them correctly. We seek clarification. We call a timeout and make our boundaries clear.
This is much like the example of when someone is yelling at us, we let them know we don’t participate in conversations if someone is yelling. In this case, we call a timeout if anyone is too emotional and we don’t participate in conversations that are trying to make it okay to use us, control us, or take away our power.
Defusing the Intellectual Manipulator
We are trying to detect and expose boundaries and requests that attempt to control us, use us, take away our power, or get us to agree to a request that doesn’t befit everyone. Two things that have worked wonders for me is leaning into the “seek clarification” part of the conversation and the phrase, “that’s not going to work for me. What other options are there?”
By leaning into the clarification steps, we can slow everything down and politely bring the manipulation into the light. “If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re staying I should sacrifice my comfort for your comfort.” Many people will realize they are attempting to enforce, an unfair boundary and the clarification will turn into them cleaning up their request. In that case, problem solved. It turned out, they weren’t a manipulator. They belonged to the previous article, people with good intentions and accidentally unhealthy communication skills.
Let the other person confirm aloud that the unbalanced boundary or request that we just repeated back to them was indeed what they meant before we call it out as unbalanced. Don’t call it out until they confirm, because we may be jumping to conclusions. It’s very possible our ego is triggered, and we are already being defensive or playing victim and looking to blame them for making any kind of statement about anything. Our monkey brain might be finding false evidence of whatever it is looking for. In this case, it’s looking for signs of manipulation. We need to be in control of our emotions and seek real clarity with the other person.
Once the other person confirms we’ve heard their unbalanced request correctly, we can respond to the request. We have a few avenues we can take. We can ask them if their request is win-win for everyone, possibly letting them have an ‘ah-ha’ moment about it, or we can make our boundary regarding win-win requests known. The third option is to just do both: “You’ve just confirmed that I understand your request. Let me just pause and ask you for a moment, if our roles were reversed, and I made this exact request to you, would it work for you?” We give them a chance to consider walking in our shoes. If they are too emotional to hear us or they don’t see an issue, then we give them our boundary. “This request is not going to work for me in this form. This request currently sounds unbalanced. No one should be asked to sacrifice their freedom, their needs, or their safety for other people’s freedom, needs, or safety. What other options do we have? Do you have any other ideas that we would both find beneficial and respectful?” I know that’s a lot. If they are too emotional to hear that, we should have already called a time out.
We used a couple key words in that response. We refer to the “request”, “in this form,” and “currently,” to let them know, we need to adjust the request. We spell out our stance on people being asked to sacrifice for others. We worded in a way that includes them. We didn’t say, “I won’t sacrifice for you,” we said, “no one should be asked to sacrifice for anyone else.” They are included. We just implied, “I’m not about to ask you to sacrifice for me either.” If it comes down to it, we can also say that aloud. We just stated our boundary with a tone that says it’s a simple fact because our boundary is a fact. We know this because we have spent time in step 1 defining boundaries that don’t manipulate others.
Asking, “what other options do we have?” or “do you have any other ideas that we would both find beneficial and respectful?” clearly creates a next step for getting their boundary met in a way that is respectful to everyone and it leave them in charge of their boundary.
We didn’t say, “we should do this instead.” That’s a big no-no. We are not going to tell them how to act. We are not going to start an argument where we are pushing a possible “solution” and they are pushing back or picking it apart. We tell them, we want something that respects and benefits everyone, then we hand them the microphone back. After all, it’s their boundary that started all this. Telling them what to do, or suggesting something that gets misinterpreted as us telling them what to do, will probably create an argument. In their mind, they will hear it as “screw your boundaries,” not “I only agree to actions that benefit everyone.” Instead, we ask for more suggestions, and we let them tell us what they think will work for both them and us.
They may make a new request that is perfect for everyone, and we can simply say yes to it. They may try a few times and suggest something that doesn’t work for us. We need to receive them with grace and not be a person who is shooting down everything they say. Remember, we are an example of safe-ask culture, not punish-ask culture. We can encourage and thank them for their efforts. “Okay, I can see where you are going there. That’s a little better. Thank you for considering both of our needs. I think we’re on the right track, we’re just not quite there yet.” After they offer an idea or two, or when they run out of ideas, we can offer to make some suggestions if they are open to it. “Okay, I like where your head is at. Would you be open to me riffing off that and throwing out an idea or two? Do you think maybe we can work together to build a solution that works for both of us?”
This is a big communication and moves healthy negotiation techniques, which will be later in this series. For now, I’m just calling out, this is where the healthy negotiation would happen.
After getting though this conversation, it might be abundantly clear to us if this person was just an unhealthy communicator or and actual manipulator. Whether they do it by accident or not, we would keep this person at whatever distance will keep us safe. We watch how they interact with other people going forward and we see what pattern emerges. If they have the pattern of being a manipulator with other people, then we can drastically limit their access to us. If their pattern proves otherwise, perhaps we’ve misclassified them.
Defusing the Emotional Manipulator
If a person forcefully comes at us with a “boundary,” and doesn’t want to have a calm conversation about how the request doesn’t work for everyone, we stick to our own boundaries. We make it clear that we want to hear them, we want to work something out, but we don’t participate in conversations that involve elevated emotions. This might be before, during, or after sharing out boundary about how we don’t agree to suggested actions that don’t respect everyone involved.
If the person is using big emotions like a weapon or to get their way, call it out with a timeout. This can be any emotion. This can be anger, sad crying, sad pitifulness, fear, love, seduction, shame, shock, or being offended. I’ve personally had various manipulator successfully manipulate me using every one of the emotions I just named. It’s amazing how the emotion can suck us right in. All these emotional manipulations look totally different but function exactly the same. They are all big emotions used as a means to manipulate others into letting someone get their way.
These attempts to manipulate with big emotions can look and feel like: weaponized anxiety (using their fears to control us), loudly playing the victim (using sadness, anger, shock, outrage, shame), temper tantrums (using anger, shock, being offended, our sense of embarrassment), bullying and harassment (using anger, fear, shame), showering us with guilt and shame (attacking our honor, our word, or our character), spotlighting their pitiful circumstances (using sadness, crying, pitifulness) or even being overly sexual and loving (using love or desire against us).
This is why the timeout & check-in is so powerful and way it should be done as soon as elevated emotions get involved. This is why, “on a scale from 1 to 10, where are you at,” is so powerful. It doesn’t matter which emotion they are showing us, if it’s above a 2, it’s not going to be a safe chat to have. If they turn out to be a good intentioned, trustworthy person, emotions above a 2 are going to create a mess of miscommunication. If they turn out to not have good intentions or are untrustworthy, emotions above a 2 will be used to manipulate us. Getting their way with big emotions is what they do best. They have been practicing for a lifetime. It’s their arena and they are the master of it. It’s where they fight to win and get their way again and again because it works for them. Don’t set a single toe into their arena.
If they claim to be triggered or have big emotions, call it out. “Timeout. This seems like a lot of emotion. I’m not comfortable received all of this. Do you need a moment to collect yourself?” This can turn into, “We can talk tomorrow. I’m walking away now,” or “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
If they claiming we caused them to be triggered or have big emotions, call it out. “Timeout. This seems like a lot of emotion. I’m not responsible for your emotional regulations or your emotional reactions. I’m not comfortable received all of this. Do you need a moment to collect yourself?” Again, this can turn into walking away if needed.
Either way, everyone is responsible for their own emotions and emotional reactions. Everyone is responsible for their own boundaries and boundary enforcement. We don’t take responsibility for their emotions or their emotional reaction, instead, we call it out as something we have a boundary in place for. We do take responsibility for our own emotions, our own emotional reactions, our own actions, our own communication, our own boundaries, and the boundaries of our safe space.
Safe Space Boundary Additions
Manipulators forced us to clearly define the boundaries of our safe space and our safe-ask container. Here are the safe-ask boundaries that were exercised in this article.
- Safe-Ask Boundary, we don’t participate in conversations that have yelling.
- Safe-Ask Boundary, if one person’s emotions are above a 2, we call a timeout.
- Safe-Ask Boundary, no one should be asked to sacrifice their freedom, their needs, or their safety for other people’s freedom, needs, or safety. We don’t agree to actions or requests that don’t respect and benefit everyone.
In the next article, we’re going to talk about various ways to practice receiving a “no” and sharing our boundaries.
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
What next?
Previous article in this series: Com101 – A “No” from an Unhealthy Communicator
Go back to the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.
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