Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Here is the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.
In my previous article, I talked about How To Make Things Right which is also a big part of A Genuine Apology. In this article, we’re going to bring everything together to finally ask for what we want.
The whole point of this series is to be able to ask for what we want and get it in ways that benefit everyone. This is very possible to achieve but often difficult and messy in practice since our ego likes to sabotage us and pull the wool over our own eyes every step of the way. On top of that, other people’s egos are doing the same thing to them. This is why so much of this series has been focused on techniques for understanding and overcoming the human ego. When all the humans involved are centered and working together, we can simply make our request known and seek the types of outcomes that will benefit everyone. In this article, we are going to apply all of the tools we have learned so for. Let’s start by taking a moment to bring some of these tools to the front of our minds.
How Far We’ve Come
This series broke down this type of conversation into 4 parts, (1) getting our head right, (2) creating a safe space to talk, (3) holding space for each other, and then (4) taking the steps that will benefit everyone by agreeing to something or nothing. The hurdles we overcame to get here were numerous, but necessary.
In “Part 1: Getting Clear with Ourselves,” we learned to respect our emotions and our ego. Emotions are real, even when triggered by a pile of assumptions and misinterpretation. We learned the benefits of calling a “timeout” the moment anyone’s emotions are above a 2 out of 10. We found safe ways to feel our emotions and let them out by seeking space and doing something like crying in a private place or screaming into a pillow. We learned the power of taking deep breaths to slow our pulse which will then get our emotions under control as well.
We learned how the stories our brain likes to make up become our reality. We explored our emotional dashboard to find it packed with warning lights that are made up of core emotions. These primary emotions are chemical signals that our body uses to alert us of our unmet needs. We learned that our brain makes up stories as it tries to figure out what to do about the warning lights on our dashboard. These stories are usually based on assumptions and misunderstandings that interpret our core chemical emotions into secondary emotions. These interpreted emotions, and the assumed stories behind them, are then treated like facts by the primitive parts of our brain, even though they are not facts. We learned how our ego does whatever it can to “be right.” Once the story which was built on assumptions is created, our brain does what it does best, it finds what it is looking for. Like looking through a tinted lens, we view the world through a type of tunnel vision where we fun more and more false evidence to prove the flawed story our ego already decided is fact. When left unchecked, our ego gets into the driver’s seat and takes the wheel.
We found techniques to uncover the core emotions behind the interpreted ones so we may dismantle the flawed stories that created them. We outlined “timeout” and “self check-in” practices that would allow us to pop our ego out of the driver’s seat. We use these tools as early as possible. We do it before our ego has a chance to push all its assumptions and faux feelings onto others in the form of blame.
We learned that core emotions are chemical signals. These signals are our bodies’ attempt to alert us of an unmet human need. We merged a few resources together to create a list of human needs that are grouped into categories that depend on each other. At the bottom are the needs to survive, as we rise through the categories, we find the needs to thrive. We took a moment to realize that a major part of achieving happiness in our life is having our needs met. Knowing this, we can respect our own needs and the needs of others by simply scanning Burbol’s Hierarchy of Happiness. Armed with this knowledge, we can simply identify our unmet needs and take action to get them met in healthy ways.
The short version is, emotions are real, but our ego will make it very difficult to distinguish between core signals and the interpreted emotions it made up as a knee-jerk reaction to whatever is going on around us and in our head. Before having a conversation, we need to get our head straight and master our emotions by respecting how our ego works.
The tools and phrases we learned to tame our ego start with, “timeout. My emotions are more than a 2 out of 10.” We take time and space. We slow things down. We feel our feelings and express our emotions in safe healthy ways. We breathe through our emotions. We acknowledge and validate both our experience and our emotions. Once calm again, we do a self check-in to ask ourselves the question, “does this emotion describe just me or does it include other people or events?” This is how we catch our ego in the driver’s seat. We describe our core emotions with simple words like “sad”, “angry”, and “scared” because these are the chemical signals that don’t involve blaming others. When we drop the secondary, ego-interpreted, emotions like “abandoned” and “unheard”, we can drop the blame our ego was trying to pin on other people.
With our head on straight, our ego back in the passenger seat, and the steering wheel firmly back in our own hands, we can begin “Part 2: Creating a Safe Space To Talk.” This is where we learned how to setup the space needed to have a safe-ask conversation in. This included learning and embodying safe-ask culture while also learning to enforce boundaries that repel punish-ask culture. The key to happiness is recognizing our unmet needs, not the “needs” our ego created using assumptions. Then we get our true needs met by sharing them in safe spaces with safe-ask people while also enforcing our boundaries with people who might be infringing on our needs and our happiness.
We learned how a boundary is a commitment to ourselves that defines how we will act in various situations and the types of behaviors we will not tolerate, participate in, or interact with. We learned that boundaries are not demands or obligations we place on anyone else but rather a commitment to ourselves about our own actions and who we allow in our space. We do no harm, and we take no shit.
We learned how to say “no” and receive a “no” as part of our conversation around boundaries and being a safe-ask role model. We discovered the power of simply saying “no” and not engage with manipulative people or people who have poor communication skills. We learned how to identify these types of people. We also learned how to identify people worth having safe space conversations with. We learned how a conversation where everyone embodies safe-ask culture and focuses on outcomes where everyone wins is a healthy way to get everyone’s needs met.
We began setting the boundaries needed to create a safe space and keep it safe. These boundaries included, “if it’s not a good time for everyone to talk, I will reschedule,” “I am responsible for me, regardless of you. I will let you be responsible for you, regardless of me,” and “I don’t tolerate or participate in disrespect.”
Once our conversation begins, holding space comes first. In “Part 3: Holding Space For Each Other,” we learned how to take turns holding space with our “pass the mic” technique. We learned the power of everyone taking a “timeout” to get their own ego and emotions in check. Then having everyone come together to express themselves without blame or judgment. We found the power of active listening and walking in another person’s shoes through to completion. We learned how to short circuit the ego and simply listen to each other for the sake of really understanding everyone’s point of view. We do this first, not last. We do this before an argument, not after everyone is finally too worn down to continue arguing.
We learned what to share when we have our moment on the mic while everyone is holding space for us. We share our experiences, our expectations, and our realizations. We recognize everyone’s good intentions and efforts. We share our core needs and not our ego’s version of our needs which are built on assumptions.
We learned how easy it is to find mutual understanding once everything is out in the open and everyone simply hears each other without judgement. We learned how apologies and solutions are often a natural part of holding space as it gets everyone on the same page.
We also talked about the Catch 22 of Communication which is that we must communicate to get our interdependence needs met, but we all have an ego that will directly sabotage us every step of the way. Our ego doesn’t want interdependence, it wants to make demands and receive compliance. It doesn’t want understanding, it just wants to be right, and it doesn’t want to be questioned about it.
In “Part 4: Agree to Something or Nothing”, we saw what happens after we are complete with taking turns holding space. We started with a walk through how to give a genuine apology because that is usually needed once everyone finally sees the entire situation and understands how their own actions hurt others. We talked about “how to make things right” both as the final part of an apology and as a completely separate way to talk through struggles.
We learned how to accept a situation with “it is what it is.” Then we recognize how everyone has needs and we are all responsible for getting our own needs met in healthy ways. We talked about how to regain our individual power and start with an “everyone-wins” solution by asking how everyone can get their needs met on their own. Then we played a game of “everyone wins or no deal.” This game takes our outcomes from “everyone-wins on their own” to “everyone-wins by offering to help each other out in ways that respect everyone’s boundaries.”
We learned an easy and effect way to negotiate using offers only and following any offer that doesn’t work for us with something that will. We also took a moment to discuss how “the fortune is in the follow up.”
Every step of the way, we express our appreciation and gratitude. We are thankful for the other person. We are thankful for being heard. We are thankful for discovering our unmet needs. We are thankful for a chance to strengthen our relationships. We are thankful for a change to heal and grow. We are thankful we have the tools to receive our ego and our emotions with grace and love. We are thankful for our ego’s and its lifelong mission to keep us safe from harm, real or imagined. Ultimately, we are thankful for the situation that triggered this chain reaction and gave us an opportunity to improve ourselves, our relationships, our situation, and our happiness.
Surfacing an Unmet Need
Finally, we find ourselves here, ready to ask for what we want. We have already identified that we have a core need that is not being met. Now we are going to share that unmet need and make a request for help.
Below are all the steps involved to ask for what we want. Notice that we’ve already done everything except step 2.
Here are the steps to ask for what you want:
- Get our head right. Call a “timeout” if we have to. We don’t need the other person to do anything. We need to identify the core signals that are lit up on our emotional dashboard and then identify the core needs behind them that are not being met. (All of Part 1.)
- Make a request for a safe space to hold space. We say, “I’m struggling with something. Can you help me? Is now a good time to talk? Is this a safe space? Can we take turns holding space with the mic?”
- We set up a safe space to talk or schedule a time to talk in a safe space. (All of Part 2.)
- In the safe space, we follow the steps for “how to make things right”: (All of Part 4.)
- We always start with hold space through to completion. “Can we start with taking turns holding space by passing the mic?” (All of Part 3.)
- We recap, acknowledge, and accept everything so far. “This is what’s happened, it sucks, but we’re all in it together. It is what is it is.”
- We recognize everyone’s needs. “Don’t tell us what you don’t need, tell us what you do need.” Then, “can we all agree that we all have needs and we all want everyone’s needs to get met?”
- We regain our individual power. Rule 2 of “everyone wins or no deal”: “What if everyone else was in another country and totally unreachable for a few months. How would you be getting your needs met today?” From here, each person’s solution can be greatly improved if everyone chooses to continue.
- We shift to curiously abundant ideas. “How can I?” and “How can it be done?” instead of “I can’t,” and “it can’t be done.”
- Logistics, coordination, and negotiations are handled with rules 3 and 4 of “everyone wins or no deal”: offers only and when declining an offer, respond with something new that will work for us. Include follow up steps.
- Always end with gratefulness. This is one of the many things that keeps our safe-ask culture alive, our relationships healthy, and our lines of communication open.
To ask for what we want, we take everything we’ve done so far and add the right words to kickoff the conversation. This is accomplished in step 2 from above: “I’m struggling with something. Can you help me? Is this a safe space? Is now a good time to talk? Can we take turns holding space with the mic?” This is not an example of what to say but rather exactly what to say. The pauses for responses between the questions are the only variations.
We don’t start a conversation about what’s wrong or what we want, instead we make a request to hold space. Once we are holding space, everything will be brought out into the open and everything will become clear. Not only will we surface our emotions, our situation, our struggle, our unmet core needs, but we will also surface all those things for the other people involve. That’s the part that changes everything. When we’re holding space, everyone else’s experience is equal in importance to our experience. It is often orders of magnitudes easier to get our needs met after everyone has taken turns holding space to completion and everyone’s needs are summarized clearly. Don’t ask for any specific outcome until after that happens.
The words in step 2 from above were chosen carefully, so let’s look at them for a moment.
Kicking Off the Conversation
Our intentions are to respect and overcome our own ego and to respect how the other person has an ego as well. However, we make no attempt to overcome their ego or get them to do anything. That’s their job, not our job. We take ownership of our needs, emotions, actions, and our ego while they take ownership of those same things on their side. We trust them to do their job and we may remind them of their job, but we don’t do their job for them. We are not responsible for regulating their emotions or getting their needs met. It is not our job to make them see our side if they don’t want to. It is not our job to try to get them to do anything they don’t want to do. It’s our job to embody safe-ask culture.
We are making a genuine request. A request is just like an offer, it can be turned down with no penalty or punishment. A request is an invitation not a demand. We make no attempt to overcome or work around their ego or emotions. If our intention is to try to navigate their ego or try to get them to do anything for us, we are stepping into the land of manipulation. We have higher standards than that. We have a commitment to ourselves to not be that type of person. If they are too emotional to talk to us, we call a timeout. If they don’t want to talk to us or don’t want to help us, they don’t have to. If they don’t want to work with us, they don’t have to. They are free to walk away, and we are also free to walk away and simply find someone else who actually does want to work with us. Someone who is a “hell yes!” to helping us get our needs met.
We start with “I’m struggling with something,” to communicate we are feeling something. We say, “can you help me?” to make it clear to both them and to ourselves that we are not about to make demands. This is a request, not a demand. They can say “no” without penalty because we are a safe-ask person, and we got our head right before we even turned to this person to start communicating our struggle.
With those 2 sentences, we have made our current state known and a request for help known. Notice we have not talked about our actual emotions or the actual situation just yet. These are not fill-in-the-blanks phrases. We are struggling with “something”, and we don’t say what that is yet. We need help and we haven’t said what that is yet.
We are simply communicating that we are struggling without blame and asking for help without placing demands on others. Compare this to walking up to someone and saying, “why can’t you wash the dishes when you’re done with them?” Instead of opening with an attack and blame, we open with vulnerability. We’ve already surrendered to the fact that they don’t have to do anything and we are not going to make any demands. We didn’t come here to start a war. We came here to suggest taking turns holding space.
“Is now a good time to talk?” We make it clear that we want to talk, and we want to do it when they are ready. This is a request for their full attention either now or in the future. We don’t start delivering our emotions or needs to someone who is not committed to giving us their full attention and we don’t demand they drop everything to give us their full attention right now. They might be in the middle of a crisis or struggle of their own. We are making a request to interact with them when they are ready to receive us. That means they are calm, ready to listen, and we have their full attention.
If they don’t have time for us or are unwilling to work with us, we simply go get our needs met somewhere else. When we set the intention that no one owes us anything, we free them of obligation, and we free ourselves of expectations. Without those types of expectations, it’s easy for us to shrug off a “no,” in favor of getting our needs met in other ways by with other people.
“Is this a safe space?” This question makes a request for a safe space and gives us a moment to verify if the other person knows what a safe space is. We can ask a boundary question or two to see where they are at regarding safe-ask culture. Do we need to take a moment to walk through the safe space boundaries from the article, “Creating A Safe Space To Talk”? Do we need to checkin with them about the safe conversation agreements from the article, “Safe Conversation Agreements”?
We are also asking ourselves this question as we say it out loud. Are they a safe person to be having this conversation with? Have we considered if they are an A, B, C, or D style personality type from the article, “Identifying Who We’re Talking To”?
“Can we take turns holding space with the mic?” We make a clear request for the type of communication we want to use, and it gives the person an idea of the kind of time commitment we are asking for. Asking for the type of communication we’re looking for is extremely powerful.
We could have skipped this step of identifying and confirming the type of communication we are looking for. We could have just walked up to them and started delivering a stream of words. What communication type would we be using if we did that? Would we even know? Would our emotions be too high? Would our ego be in the driver’s seat? It’s likely our ego would be using whatever default communication style it uses to express its stories of blame and shame. What’s worse, when we just start a stream of words, we don’t know what kind of communication they are going to assume we are trying to deliver. They may think we came over here for an argument, to make accusations, or to nag at them. We greatly increase our chances of getting the communication we want by directly asking for it.
Notice that each of these questions will land better when they include a pause for the other person to reply. Since these are all requests, if the other person says “no” to any of them, we can respect their “no” and get our needs met elsewhere. If we feel this person owes us, must do something for us, or we find ourselves upset by them saying “no,” that means we did not make a request, we were trying to make a demand. We may have recited the words in step 2, but we didn’t embody the intentions behind them. That’s on us. Our intentions are the problem, not the other person. We need to call a “timeout” on ourselves, go back to step 1, and do a “self check-in” to get our head right. For more details on that, see the tool “Sit with it and Refocus on Me” from the article “Emotionally, Where Am I At?”
It may come as a surprise but we don’t ask for what we think we need right out of the gate. We don’t say, “can you do the dishes more often?” Instead, we start with the intention to communicate our struggle and listen to their point of view before making any attempt to do anything about the situation. Yes, we probably want them to do the dishes, but wanting them to do anything means our ego is already involved. We no longer let our ego drive our conversations with attacks, blaming, or making demands. The antidote for that is to make a commitment to listen to them before asking for anything further. It’s the idea that maybe we don’t know the best answer yet because we don’t know both sides of the situation.
Asking for what we want or need starts with a request to understand both sides. This must be our honest intention. We need to be very sure we are not starting with blame or judgment.
What to Talk About
What topics do we start with when we have the mic and the other person is holding space for us? We talked about this in the article, “What to Share and Why.”
Here is a summary of that again:
- Share simple things, gently.
- Share one thing at a time and share nothing else.
- State everything, “from my point of view,” and as a camera would have recorded it.
- Omit blame, shame, criticism, judgment, and obligation or call it out. “My ego is making up a blame story about…”
- Share our experience.
- “I feel ____.” Core chemical emotions only.
- A timeline of facts (not interpretations of them).
- What went right.
- Share our expectations & realizations.
- Acknowledge our own expectations and assumptions compared to what really happened.
- “…I now realize _______, and I didn’t know that at the time.”
- Recognize everyone’s efforts and good intentions.
- Thank everyone for their efforts often.
- Share our needs and declare ownership of them.
- “…my need for ______ was not met and my needs are my responsibility, not anyone else’s.”
- “…I have a boundary to share, and my boundaries are my responsibility, not anyone else’s.”
- After all the items above, share whatever is still standing in the way of us feeling complete on this topic.
Keep it simple, for example: “I’m frustrated and a little sad. I’m not mad at you. I’m frustrated with the situation. I noticed the dishes in the sink. I’m hungry and I want to make dinner. From my point of view, I thought we made an agreement about dishes in the sink being washed by 8pm? So, I’m just checking in to see what’s up? Are we doing the 8pm thing or do we want to revisit that agreement?”
When frustrated, it’s very helpful to specify, “I’m not mad at you. I’m frustrated with the situation.” This helps both parties recognize that we’re not here to blame or judge. We are here to hold space.
Rather than launching into a request that someone must honor a prior agreement, we start with small facts. We tell them a core emotion we’re experiencing that doesn’t involve them. “I’m frustrated,” and “I’m hungry,” are facts, not blame or judgments. We give them a clearly observable facts, “notice all the dishes in the sink.” Then we let them know we’re checking in and we plan to work with them either way. Planning to work with them either way holds true to our commitment to make offers and request but not demands. We get a short message out, we let them demonstrate they understood it through the process of holding space, then we pass the mic. We listen to them rather than try to push our point of view or solutions.
It is worth noting that before we initiated the conversation, we paused and did a self check-in with ourselves to recognize how we were upset and what was behind our ego’s assumptions and stories. Yes, we were upset by the dishes, we were upset that we thought we had an agreement, and we were upset by the other person. However, we took the time to get our head right. To catch our ego in action, we already asked ourselves, “does this emotion describe just me or does it include other people or events?” We realized, what we want is dinner. We realized we are simply hungry. We are frustrate to have unexpected obstacles standing in the way of getting that need met. Being hungry doesn’t involve the other person. We share that intention. Then we share the observable fact that the dishes aren’t clean as we were expecting. We are upset because we had expectations that did not line up with the reality of the situation.
There’s a million reason why the other person might not have done the dishes. When they take their turn on the mic, we can hear their side of the struggle. They may also say, “you’re right. I got distracted. I’ll do them now.” That would be a case of the solution becoming obvious as soon as the judgement-free situation was made known and everyone was on the same page.
Rather than focus on the act of doing the dishes, we focus on the facts, our expectations, and then making an offer to adjust our expectation by adjusting the prior agreement.
If expectations and intentions have changed, we will be acknowledging “it is what it is” in the first couple steps of “how to make things right.” Then we can start talking about how we can find a solution that benefits everyone.
Again, it was never about the dishes. What we wanted was to be heard (holding space) about being hungry (a need) that has an unexpected obstacle in the way which involves some interdependence. We communicate all this within safe-ask culture.
It’s completely counter intuitive but the key to getting what we want is to not ask for a specific outcome. Instead, ask the other person if they can hold space with us. After we share our needs and hear their share in return, we simply ask, “can you help me with this?” It’s not, “can you do the dishes,” that’s a specific outcome. Brainstorming possible solutions comes later. We say, “I’m hungry. There are dishes in the sink. Can you help me?” Again, we are requesting the type of communication we’d like to use. With everyone on the same page, we are now requesting help before we start listing possibilities or specific actions.
If someone doesn’t want to help us, or is combative, then we are simply talking to the wrong person. What’s our solution if no one was around to help us? Consider this interaction a “no deal” and act on the solution that works for us and doesn’t involve them. If the person we live with doesn’t want to work with us to get our needs met, we can find someone who does. We can find a living situation with a higher caliber person for example. Maybe we should be talking to a real estate agent. They would probably be very happy to help us.
Be sure our intentions stay in the realm of “everyone wins.” Ensure our actions after hearing someone doesn’t want to help us continue to embrace safe-ask culture and not punish-ask culture. If they don’t want to help us regarding being hungry and finding dishes in the sink, make sure a plan to move out is an “everyone wins” plan and not a plan to punish them for having different opinions than ours. We may feel hurt, but any attempt to hurt them back is abuse. We may exercise a boundary and choose to move out as a way to protect ourselves and our needs as long as we ensure the intentions behind our actions are pure and not vindictive.
Helping Without Strings
For those of us who are “recovering people pleasers,” like me, we must remember that it’s to everyone’s benefit for someone to say “no,” when we are not at our best or in the best position to help. When someone says, “I’m struggling with something. Can you help me,” we might feel the urge to drop everything for a person in need. That’s a wonderful thought, however, it doesn’t honor ourselves, our priorities, or our situation. It also puts our relationship with this person at risk as it may result in resentment building over time without even realizing we’ve chosen this path.
For many years I was under the false assumption that when someone asks for help, we should do whatever we can to help them. I had a couple of crossed wires in my head. One crossed wire said, “no one ever helped me, so I’m going to be the one who helps others. They will appreciate it so much that they will love me and help me in the future.” Another crossed wire said, “I’m a patient and generous person. When I’m patient and generous with others, I’m showing them how much I care.” I later learned that this is that classic “nice guy”, people pleaser, approach.
People pleasing starts with good intentions but quickly turns into an unspoken agreement that the other person knows nothing about. It silently signed people up for future expectations and obligation to help me and love me. I was creating these unspoken expectations inside my head. The more I “helped people” the more I put them into an unspoken debt. The day they seemed to be “taking too much” and “not returning the favor,” I’d find myself very upset. The thing is, they never agreed to anything. I offered my help as if it was a gift, but it wasn’t. I was to blame for my unspoken expectations and the disappointment that would inevitably follow.
A gift is a gift with no strings or obligations, not today nor in the future. If I was attaching strings and obligations, that means I was actually attempting to manipulate them. I was pretending I was giving them a gift but I was really putting them in a debt they didn’t even know about. That is one of the ways people pleasures, nice guys, rescuers, and toxic empaths manipulate others. It’s all under the banner of being a good person, but it’s still a manipulating attempt to get love and attention. Don’t do this.
We need to get our heads right when we say “yes” to helping someone or when we make an offer to help someone. If our help is a gift, then make sure it stays that way. On the flips side of that coin, if we don’t like to ask for help and don’t like to accept other people’s help, is it possible that it’s because we don’t want someone to pull us into an unspoken agreement for future expectations and obligations? Is it because we expect them to do what we do to others when we people please in the hopes that it will result in love and attention? Do we avoid asking for help because we don’t want to find ourselves in any unspoken debt.
People pleasers, we need to change our ways. I recommend starting a practice of being very clear about what we expect in return for our help before we start helping someone. If it is a gift, say, “this is a gift and I expect nothing in return. Not now. Now in the future.” We say that to release them from any obligations, but we also say it to force ourselves to hear it and commit to it.
Furthermore, I highly advise getting into the practice of not giving our time and energy away for free ever again. Simply be upfront and say something like, “I’ll do it for a ‘thank you’ and a high five,” or “maybe we can help each other out here. What if I help you with your project today and you help me with my project tomorrow? What do you say?”
What if we’re on the other side of the people pleaser situation? How do we insulate ourselves from the people pleasers’ unspoken expectations and future disappointment? What if a people pleaser is offering to help us and we don’t know they are a people pleaser? What if they have the best of intentions, but they are actually going to end up creating an unspoken agreement in their head that we now owe them appreciation or something in the future. To address this, we can quiz them ahead of time on the nature of the help and if it’s really a gift or if their help has strings attached.
We can say things like, “hold on there. I don’t expect you to help me for free. Before we start, how can we ensure this situation benefits both of us?” When someone offers to help and says, “no worries,” or “forget about it,” we can clarify, “Okay, so I’m hearing that you are offering this as a gift. Am I hearing that right? I need to clarify that it is a gift with no strings because I’ve had a relationship go sour because someone in the past offered to help me without any compensation only to find out they felt like I owed them something and they never actually told me they felt that way. So, I’m just checking in, is a ‘thank you’ and a high five really going to be enough for you?”
If a “yes,” is a gift, make it clear to both people. If a “yes,” has some conditions and an agreement attached to it, make it clear to both people. As a general practice, try to always bring the topic up and agree to exchange at least a “thank you,” a high five, or a hug. Don’t wave off situations where it’s no big deal to give our help for free or accept someone’s help for free. This is the perfect moment to practice. Practice our negotiation technique of “everyone wins or no deal.” Practice our boundaries. Practice when the stakes are low and the risk of repercussions from a miscommunication are also low. Then, when the stakes are higher or the situation is more urgent, our skills will already be honed.
A Declined Request for Help
When someone says “no” to our requests, we respect it and thank them for their honesty. We talked about this at great length in “Boundaries Keep Us Safe.” In the negotiation game “everyone wins or no deal,” from the article “How to Make Things Right,” we focused on staying curious and abundant while looking for solutions. All of those topics apply here. With that said, I’d like to take a moment to again address the struggles of people pleasers and interacting with them. This includes how hard it is for a people pleaser to say “no”, why they absolutely should say “no” often, and how unfair it is to be on the receiving end of a people pleaser who says “yes” when they are really a “no”.
As a recovering people pleaser, I’m far too familiar with the reality of people saying “yes,” when they want to say “no.” I did this most of my life. I was literally afraid to tell people, “no.” Childhood trauma had me convinced a “no” from me would risk upsetting or provoking the other person into retaliation or revenge. This fear of punishment is a clear indicator that I grew up in a punish-ask culture. Now that I’ve turned the corner on most of that, I’d like to share as much as I can with the people pleasers who are struggling to say “no” and the people who find themselves trying to work around people pleasers who seem to keep saying “yes” and then getting upset or grumpy about it later.
In the same way a “yes” with a couple of clear conditions can be a benefit for everyone, a “no” can also be a benefit for everyone.
Again, I used to think, “no one ever helped me, so I’m going to be the one who helps others. They will appreciate it so much that they will love me and help me in the future. Also, I’m a patient and generous person. When I’m patient and generous with others, I’m showing them how much I care.” I used to use that to say “yes,” and unconsciously attach strings to the yes, but I also used that to completely trick myself into feeling good about avoid saying “no” out of fear of punishment.
As people pleasers, giving away our time and energy without even considering the idea of possibly saying, “no,” is an approach that leads to being drained of our time, energy, and resources. We find ourselves in situations where our cup is completely drained, and we are still trying to pour from that empty cup. It’s no wonder some friends disappear and hide at home for weeks at a time. Not only do they need to recharge, but if they don’t talk to people, they can’t be pressured by any requests that they won’t be able to say “no” to. The people pleaser projected the pressure to say “yes” into requests. With this projected pressure, requests and the idea of requests can create anxiety for them. Even if the person making the request doesn’t think they are applying any pressure, the people pleaser probably feels pressure.
The majority of a people pleaser’s struggle is imagined. Good friends will happily accept and respect a “no.” The question is, is the people pleaser surrounded by people who respect a “no” or have their coping skills and patterns from childhood made it far too easy for people who use punish-ask culture to hang around? There’s the dilemma. The fear of saying “no” starts in the people pleaser imagination. Then their habits involving that fear attract and allow punish-ask people to hang around. They literally turn the imagined fear into a physical reality. The people pleaser is probably surround by punish-ask people that are consistently validating all their reasons to hide, avoid, and not rock the boat.
If this sounds like you, I strongly recommend rereading the article on “Identifying Who We’re Talking to”. Realize that you’re probably not an A type communicator yet and start identifying the skill you need to practice to move in that direction. At the same time, start identifying the A, B, C, & D personalities around you. Intentionally create space in your life for the A caliber and intentionally distance yourself from all the others. If you can’t say, “no, not today,” without the other person hitting you with a bunch of emotion, guilt, or blame, then get rid of them.
Not only are we allowed to say, “no, not now,” it’s to everyone’s benefit when we do. Safe-ask people will thank us for our honesty and go about their day with any issue. When we choose to help with draining situations while we are already drained, we are much more likely to do a bad job or have a misunderstanding. We are also more likely to feel taken advantage of and feel resentment. If someone tries to give us feedback or says our help wasn’t good enough, we are more likely to get upset about it. We are not really helping others when we are too tired to do a good job or we are being too cranky to work with. We don’t help ourselves when we put our own priorities and needs at risk by putting other people’s situations first. Sacrificing for others doesn’t build love, it builds resentment.
Nobody wins when we say “yes,” when we want to say “no.” Eventually, it will catch up with us. However, when we are at our best and everything in our life is thriving, we are much more likely to be able to help others in fun synergistic ways, especially if we use the techniques from the last section to make sure everyone wins when we say “yes” to a request.
A few easy ways so check-in with ourselves before saying “yes” or “no” is to ask ourselves, “am I at my best right now?” and “am I a ‘hell yes!’ for this?”
I used to do the opposite. I would ask myself, “do I have the spoons for this? Do I have the time, energy, resources, and space for this?” That’s the wrong end of the energy spectrum. Instead of asking, “can I give a little more,” ask, “is my cup overflowing?” Only give from an overflowing cup.
Only give when we have an abundance of spoons. Only give when our life is caught up. We do not have to help everyone who asks. People worth having in our lives are adults who handle their own responsibilities and will not abandon us when we can’t help them all the time. If they do get offended by our “no” and disappear on us, good. They were not a safe-ask person. We do not have to get sucked into other people’s sense of urgency or latest crisis just to keep them around. Let those people show themselves out.
Furthermore, we can have boundaries that protect our inner peace and our calm environment. We can say, “I’d love to, but I don’t have the spoons right now. How about tomorrow evening,” “No, I’m focused on something else right now. How about Tuesday at lunch,” “No thank you, I don’t want to get involved. I wish you the best,” or “No thanks. We spoke about this already and I’m no longer offering to be the person you come to with these things. This is a boundary. I need space and I need distance from you and these types of situations. Please find someone else both now and in the future. I wish you the best.” All of those phrases use our negotiation technique of declining an offer and then responding with what we can do, even when all we can offer is, “I wish you the best.”
Bringing It All Together
A request is an offer people can say, “no,” to without punishment. When our needs are not being met, our request is to take turns holding space in a safe space until everyone’s needs are out in the open. After holding space, the next request is for help without a specific outcome in mind.
Helping people is the land of the people pleasers. Don’t get caught in unspoken obligations or expectations by checking in for genuine gifts and everyone wins outcomes. Speak everyone’s intentions and expectations out loud before accepting help or taking any actions to help. If you are a people pleaser, “nice guy”, or rescuer, check-in with yourself around all interactions involving “help.” Don’t pour from an empty cup or a low cup, pour from an overflowing cup.
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
What next?
Previous article in this series: Com101 – How To Make Things Right
Go back to the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.
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