Com101 – Boundaries Keep Us Safe – Part 2

Step 3: Make The Boundary Known (Optional But Recommended)

This is not a giant confrontation.  If you are imagining a big confrontation, shift your thinking.  (See Step 2 for mind shifting tools.)  This can be easy and should be expressed in a “no big deal” tone.  Expressing a boundary is like expressing a fact, it just is.  Like a simple fact, it doesn’t matter if people hear us, agree with us, respect us, or want to argue with us.  A fact is a fact.  Our boundaries are facts.  With the same tone and ease we would say, “the sun is hot,” we can also express boundaries such as, “I only have 5 minutes to talk and then I’ll have to get going,” or “I don’t interact with people who are yelling.  If you don’t lower your voice, I’m going to walk away, and we can have this conversation tomorrow.  Your choice.”

Before we express a boundary, let’s remind ourselves about step 1.  A boundary is all about us and our actions.  It’s not about the other person and it’s not about controlling the other person’s actions.  In step 1, we were clear about what we wanted or needed, we were clear about the actions we would take in relation to this boundary, and we didn’t making it about the other person.  When we express that here in step 3, it needs to stay that way.  We can’t allow ourselves to shift the meaning by using words that project blame or criticize other people’s behaviors.  Stick to the facts.  It’s about us and our action and we are just letting the other person know.  It’s a “hey, just letting you know, this is some stuff about me and how I act in specific situations, regardless of who I’m with at the moment.”

If we express a boundary and someone makes a big deal about it, that’s their problem, not ours.  If we express a boundary and someone gets upset, it’s because they want to cross our boundaries and they liked it better when we allowed them to disrespect us.  If they are going to argue about our boundaries, then they don’t respect us in this moment and they don’t want to respect us in the future.  That’s fine.  There’s no point arguing with them or trying to change them.  They showed us their choice with their actions.  We don’t need people in our lives that need to be actively convinced to not cross our boundaries when there are billions of people out there who will respect us, work with us, and thank us for making our boundaries known.

I totally understand that we may have been raised in a punish-ask culture where we had to fight for boundaries every day or bend over backwards to not rock the boat.  As a child, we didn’t have the power to express and enforce our boundaries.  We needed the adults around us to help us enforce our boundaries.  That may not have happened in all situations and some of us adapted adversarial behaviors or conflict avoidance as a result.  However, we are no longer helpless children.  We are the adults.  We don’t ever have to bend to please anyone else or keep them calm.  We don’t have to fight for our boundaries with everyone we meet.  We are adults and we will firmly, yet gently, demand people treat us like adults and we will deliver all this like an adult, even if the other person is acting like a child.

If we express a boundary and someone gets upset and then tries to cross our boundary on purpose, becomes more forceful, or it becomes an unsafe situation, we take action to become safe.  We don’t hesitate to get other people involved.  We absolutely should be able to live our life without worrying about our safety.  At the same time, I understand that not all of us are in 100% safe spaces 100% of the time.  We have to use our best judgment.

I also highly recommend not being in situations where we would have to repeatedly defend our boundaries in the first place.  I’m suggesting we all stay home or avoid other people.  I’m not trying to limit anyone’s freedom.  I’m just saying, let’s not choose to go to an unsafe bar full of jerks.  Instead, let’s choose to go to a safe bar full of good people.  Part of having boundaries is not putting ourselves in a position where we have to defend ourselves the whole time.  Yes, we need to practice, but there’s a big difference between healthy communication of boundaries here and there and repeatedly choosing to walk into a battlefield.  For example, the best bit of karate I ever learned was to not get in a fight in the first place. 

I took a year of karate, and the following was drilled into us:  “The best way to win a fight is to not be in it.  The best way to defend yourself is to not be in a fight.  Your strongest muscle is your mind.  Don’t walk into trouble.  Don’t walk down the dark alley, walk around it.  If you find yourself in a fight, walk away.  If you can’t walk away, deescalate it.  When all else fails, we only use our karate when we are forced to defend ourselves.”  After that, in my head, I always hear Mr. Miyagi’s voice from The Karate Kid, “Rule Number 1: karate for defense only.  Rule Number 2: first learn rule number 1.”

We don’t have to escalate to get our boundaries heard and we don’t have to join other people who seem to want to escalate.  I know that is easy to say and much harder in practice.  Humans naturally tend to mirror the emotions that come at us.  When someone wants to argue about our boundaries, we need to announce that our boundaries not up for discussion or negotiation in a gentle, matter-of-fact, tone.  You do not have to participate in an argument.  You do not have to explain yourself.  You can say, “excuse me for just a minute,” then never comeback.

I started this step with the worst-case scenarios because they are real and they do happen.  This is why step 3 is labeled, “optional.”  I highly recommend making your boundaries known but we need to understand that it’s not always the best move.  We always reserve the right to walk away knowing we do not have to explain ourselves to anyone.  If we feel unsafe in someone’s presence, we don’t have to be in places where that person is present, and we don’t have to give any explanation to anyone.  We can walk away from situations that involve them with no explanation.

In fact, in the majority of daily situations we will not have to make our boundaries known.  When a random person’s behavior at a gas station scares us, we don’t have to stop and tell them they’ve crossed one of our boundaries, we can simply leave and get to a safe space again.  There’s simply no need to derail our time and attention for interactions like that.

Now that I’ve said all that, I want to tell you why we absolutely should take the time to make our boundaries known to the people who reappear in our life, whenever possible.  If life was a TV show and we are the main characters, I’m talking about the “supporting” characters and the “reoccurring” characters on the show; friends, family, neighbors, co-workers, etc.

First of all, people cannot respect our boundaries if they don’t know what they are.  If we take an approach of, “they should already know,” and “if you don’t know I’m not going to tell you,” then we are the problem, not them.  That’s guess culture.  That’s punish-ask culture.  That’s ghosting people culture.

Ghosting, actively ignoring or cutting off existing intimacy with someone without explanation or warning, is insidious and toxic behavior.  Cutting people off because we’re too scared to have a conversation with a friend is unhealthy.  Our friends will want to hear what is bothering us.  Our friends will want a chance to apologize and make things right.  If we don’t give a friend or coworker a chance to hear our boundary and how it was not respected, we assume they are a bad person who hurt us on purpose rather than giving them a chance to choose to respect our boundary.  We never gave them a chance to show us exactly what kind of person they are.  They didn’t choose, we chose for them with our assumptions.  Fear of conflict can turn into cutting out good people because we didn’t express our boundaries.  Let’s not do that.

Second, people cannot apologize and make amends if they don’t know what our boundaries are.  Sharing a boundary gives people a chance to see that they hurt us, make amends, and then correct their behavior in the future.  Good people will thank us for the opportunity.  I’ll say that again, good people will thank us for speaking up.  It’s a great way to identify good people.  The good people will prove they are good, and the interaction will make those relationships stronger as a result.

The toxic people will prove they are toxic with their toxic responses to hearing about our boundary.  This is a wonderful thing for us.  Now we know they are toxic without having to guess.  Since we purposely don’t try to change people, this is a freeing moment for us.  Now we can limit our access to those people and carry on with an amazing life that doesn’t include them. 

Did they let us down?  No.  We had incorrect expectations of them.  We made assumptions about who they were and how they act.  When they show us that the truth is different than our expectations, we let ourselves down because our expectations were too high.  We set or agreed to those incorrect expectation, not them.  Having expectations that match reality are our responsibility, not theirs.  We really need to reframe our disappointment to realize that they just helped us out.  They showed us we need to adjust our expectations today, rather than some where down the road where the stakes would be higher.

Making a boundary known is one of the best ways to identify genuinely good people with healthy communication skills and strengthen our relationship with them.  As a bonus, it’s also a great way to get a person’s unhealthy communication skills or less than stellar intentions out in the open.  Rather than leaving a question mark hanging in the silent space that’s driving a wedge in the relationship, it will make things absolutely clear.  They get to choose what kind of person they are going to be.  They get to opt in or opt out of our life with their response.  Either way, we get to be thankful for the opportunity to strengthen a relationship with a good person and limit a relationship with a toxic person.  Both actions move the relationship, and our lives, forward.

All of this is great in theory, but what words do we actually say?  That was, and still is, the hardest part of my journey with boundaries.  Here are a few examples of letting someone know a boundary exists, they are too close to a boundary, or they just crossed a boundary.

Letting people know ahead of time:

“Oh, by the way, just to let you all know, I love this, and I’m not excited about that.  You don’t have to say or do anything different on my account, I’m just not going to participate in the latter.”  Example: nightclubs vs bars; coffee vs tea; cuddling vs kissing; holding space vs arguing; active listening vs yelling; etc.

“Oh, just so I remember to say it aloud, I don’t like these types of activities.  They’re just not my cup of tea.  Please understand I will likely opt out of any invitations for that in the future.”  Example: hiking; arguing; etc.

“Just to let you know, in order to make the timing on that work, I’m going to need this and that.  If you have any ideas on how we can both get what we want, I’m all ears.”  This is an example of defending our time by declaring our needs before the other person even enters our space.

“Hey everyone on this social media channel!  I just realize, this and that are not my thing.  I’m going to opt out of that sort of thing in the future.  Just an FYI, have a great day.”  A message like this is wonderful because it’s not directed at anyone and all our friends will naturally help us enforce the boundary.  Example: I’m vegan and meat is not my thing; I’m not interested in dates or relationships with younger people anymore; I’m done with eating out; etc.

When someone just bumped into one of our boundaries:

“Oh, hey.  I’m a ‘no’ for that.”  No is a complete sentence.  If they question it, simply say, “‘No’ is a complete sentence.  I don’t have to explain myself.”  This type of response is terse and abrupt, so I, personally, use it to wake someone up if they don’t seem to be hearing my ‘no.’  I don’t often use it with friends because I feel it would damage our connection.  However, if its someone I don’t want a friendship with, like a manipulative stranger that I’d like to leave me alone, this response doesn’t give them enough words to latch onto and manipulate with.

With the direct one out of the way, let’s move on to a few gentler phrases.

“Oh, I meant to tell you earlier, but I guess now is a good time too,” then use the phrases from the last section.  What’s nice about this phrase is that it’s also a reframe.  It says, “I was a no to this before it even came up and it has nothing to do with you.”

“Oh, hey.  I’m not comfortable with that and I’m not participating in it.  Please feel free to go ahead and enjoy that without me.  I’m just going to chill over here.”  Example: that food I’m allergic to, that game or sport, that conversation topic, yelling, gossip, smoking, etc.

“Hold on there.  I’m not comfortable with that.  We don’t know each other well enough for that.  Feel free to do that with someone else, but I’m a no.  Please don’t ask again.  I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”  Example: someone leans in for a hug or a kiss, an unwanted touch, someone plays a practical joke, someone expects us to be okay with a type of play or banter that they think is playful but we’re not into, someone asks a surprisingly personal question, they want our info or contact information, etc.

A note on actions verses questions.  If someone just asked us about something we are a “no” for, treat it as a wonderful thing.  Rather than making the wrong move or putting us in an uncomfortable spot, they ask asked first.  I understand that sometimes the question can also be uncomfortable, but that discomfort is wonderful compared to having to stop someone’s uncomfortable actions.  Praise them for asking rather than acting on assumptions.  That’s a safe-ask moment that teaches the other person it’s okay to ask and reinforces the same for us.  We get to remind ourselves that saying “no” doesn’t have to feel uncomfortable.  Saying “no” can actually be quite freeing and powerful. 

For example, if someone says, “can I give you a hug,” when we are a “no,” we thank them for asking and not acting on an assumption.  “Oh, thanks for asking.  I really appreciate that you checked in and asked first.  I’m a no right now, but I’ll tell you what, if I change my mind, I’ll ask you the same question.”  We give them positive reinforcement, asking is always better than acting without permission.

They cross the boundary more than once:

Just about every woman I know has a story about some random guy in a bar offering to buy her a drink and he just can’t take a hint.  This guy just keeps coming back every fifteen minutes.  “Hey, can I buy you a drink now?”  Yes, there are creeps that can’t take “no” for an answer, but before assuming the other person is crossing your boundaries on purpose, take a moment to review your own words.  Were you clear?  Did you actually say, “no,” or were you being so polite that you didn’t actually say “no.”

Hearing my friend say, “wow, this guy can’t take a hint,” is a red flag for me.  It says her communication is probably the issue, and we don’t even know if that guy is a creep or just sweet and confused.  When I ask my friend to tell me more about the interaction, it often turns out that her response was something like, “not right now,” or “maybe later,” because she was trying to be polite.  That’s the problem.  She never actually said “no”.  I feel for this guy because, if he were me, it would be a case of finally getting up the courage to go talk to that attractive stranger only to be confused about whether or not she wants me to come.  Then having to build up the courage all over again make another attempt.  If that guy’s actually not a creep, is sounds like torture.

Before we start getting firm about our “no,” it’s a good idea to check-in with ourselves and make sure we actually said “no” in the first place.  From there, we can use a phrase that relieves the other person from having to guess or sit in confusion. 

“I said no.  Don’t ask again.  If I ever change my mind, I’ll let you know, until then don’t ask again.”  This is not only clear, but it spells out, don’t keep checking in with me to see if my answer has changed.  I will tell you if my answer changed.  What’s great about this, is that it takes our power back.  We take control of the situation and we put the other person’s mind at ease at the same time.

American culture tells us the guy is supposed to escalate intimacy and touch, especially on a date.  When she tells him, “I’ll let you know if I change my mind,” she also releases him from this cultural expectation.  I’ve had more than one friend tell me her dating life changed when she started using this phrase because the guy was able to drop all the pressures of being on a date.  Instead, he just relaxed and started being himself.  He was released from all the expectations, and it freed both of them to just have a fun time.

Make sure you actually said, “no.”  Tell the person, you will tell them if you change your mind and they should not check in again.  Who knows what random cultural norm you just freed them from.  If the boundary crossing or asking continues after that, we are dealing with someone who is doing it on purpose.  They are trying to push our boundaries.

“Hey, I’m not comfortable with that and I’m finding myself saying it more than once.  I’m just letting you know, if it doesn’t stop, I’m going to go.  It’s your choice.” 

This makes it clear that their actions have consequences and they’ve just reached the end of their rope.  One more time and they are hanging themselves and they know it.  All of this is calmly delivered as a simply fact.  There is no need for yelling or escalation.  Our action of walking away will speak louder than an argument ever could.

We don’t apologize for having boundaries

None of the above phrases use the word “sorry.”  There is nothing to be sorry about when stating or enforcing our boundaries.  There is nothing to be sorry about when saying “no.”  Perhaps you wish you had said something sooner, simply say that instead saying sorry.  Say, “I wish I had said this sooner, I’m a no for that.” 

If the other person seems hurt because we said “no”, that is because they had unrealistic expectations projected onto us.  That’s them setting themselves up to be unhappy.  We’ll discuss that more in the future when we talk about the difference between an invitation, an expectation, and an obligation.  Until then, just know that being afraid to say “no” because we don’t want to make someone unhappy is punish-ask culture.  Saying “no” freely and being respected is safe-ask culture.  You don’t have to tolerate punish-ask culture.

The phrases above all start with a short word or two to interrupt the flow of conversation.  It’s a polite attention grabber.  It gets people to tune in and listen to what’s next without making a big scene.  “Oh, hey” and “wow.  Hold on,” put a friendly break in the flow.  As opposed to phrases that start everything off on the wrong foot like, “well that’s rude,” “yuck, what’s wrong with you,” “that’s stupid,” and “you always do this.”  Those types of interrupts criticize and blame the other person for not reading our mind.  Those are punish-ask responses that cause the other person to suddenly find themselves in an unsafe moment and will often lead to arguments.

If you aren’t already practiced with saying phrase like these in the moment, don’t expect them to come out just because you read this section.  Practice them.  Email them to yourself.  I have a section on how to practice with a friend coming up soon.  Until then, if you are caught off guard, excuse yourself for any reason.  For example, “excuse me, restroom break,” or “I’m stepping outside to make a call.”  When you’re alone, center yourself.  Breathe.  Timeout & check-in.  Then find the phrase you want to use on your phone and practice it.  Finally, check-in with the person and use the phrase you just practiced.  If that timeline is too fast.  Excuse yourself for any reason and circle back with the person in a day or two when you are calm and clear.  Remember, this is a moment to strengthen healthy relationships and expose toxic ones.  You can literally treat it like a blessing.

To summarize step 3, make your boundaries known if it’s safe and the other party is close enough to have earned it.  Make your boundaries known ahead of time whenever possible but don’t hesitate to make them known in the moment or after the fact as well.  Make it not a big deal to share your boundaries and make it clear that they are not up for discussion.  Doing this will improve health relationships and expose toxic relationships, both are a benefit to us and worth doing.