Com101 – Emotionally, Where Am I At? (Part 1)

There are no “bad” emotions because emotions are neither good nor bad, they are just signals.  Our body is trying to tell us, “hey!  Listen to me.  Something’s up.”  From there, things can get very clear or very muddy depending on what we chose to do with those signals.

There are no “bad” emotions.  Emotions are just signals.

I have learned that some of the most powerful things we can do with our emotions is: sit with them, start naming them, and recognize how strong they are.  That sounds simple but there are a lot of nuances involved in that.

In order to sit with the signals, name them, and recognize how strong they are, I have to navigate a few mini-minefields that seem to come standard in all human brains.  I need to name emotions that are real and not my brain’s interpretation of some signals, or worse, my brain’s complete bullshit story about the signals.  I need to call my signals and emotion by the correct name.  Otherwise, emotions of the wrong name will begin to surface and create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  I need to understand how strong the emotions are in this moment so I can react accordingly.  However, when I’m emotional, it’s easy to get caught up in it rather than stop to ask myself where I’m at.

Before we get into the reasons behind all those nuances, let’s just try a super basic example.  Let’s say I’m feeling some stuff.  First of all, I purposely don’t call it a “problem” or an “issue” or anything along those lines.  I don’t think or refer to the experience as a “bad” thing.  If I do, my brain starts to treat it like a problem or a bad thing.  Instead, I remind myself, it’s just a bunch of signals.

It’s like the gauges and warning lights on a car’s dashboard display.  Those indicators can be inconvenient at times, but ultimately, they are alerting me to something before it becomes big problem.  When the “low gas” alert dings at me, I can be upset with the car for having something “wrong” with it, or I can thank the car for giving me a heads up before running out of gas.  I often say, “thanks car,” when the “low gas” alert dings because, clearly, I didn’t notice and the alternative is, “surprise!  We’re out of gas!”

The question is, on my internal human dashboard, which light just came on and how urgent or important is it right now?  To figure it out, I need to stop and check the signals that my body is trying to alert me to.  I pause and take a moment to step away or go sit down.  Then I ask myself, “okay, what’s my body trying to tell me?  Where am I at?”  As a result, I find myself saying or thinking something like this: “I feel sad.  It’s a 3 out of 10.  I feel scared.  5 out of 10.  I feel anxious.  5 out of 10.”  I’ll explain why those are the types of words I use in a moment.

I ask myself, “where am I at?”

As soon as I use that phrasing, aloud or in my mind, my emotions tend to immediately recede a little.  It’s amazing.  It’s like a little emotional guy in my head says, “oh thank goodness!  He finally heard me.  I can stop beating the back of this pot so hard with this big wooden spoon.  HEY EVERYONE, let’s take this level five alarm down to a level two!”  My body begins to relax because I let my body know, “I hear you.  I’m sad, scared, and anxious.  Message received.  I’ll take it from here.”

It almost reminds me of choosing to acknowledge a notification on my phone or not.  When my phone beeps, if I look at it and press the button on the notification, it stops telling me about that message.  If I ignore the beep, the notification is going to keep beeping every 5 or 10 minutes until I finally acknowledge it.  By then, I’m probably frustrated with the phone for beeping, and I don’t even care what it’s trying to tell me.  In my annoyed mood, I just want it to stop.  Then, I often miss the original message entirely.

Whether I rate my struggle to myself or share it with another person, I get the same result of having my emotions take a small sign of relief.  Keep in mind, I’m not talking about saying anything more than, “I feel sad,” or “I feel anxious and it’s a 5 out of 10.”  I’m not combining that with a reason, an explanation, a story, an assumption, blame, expectations, or anything like that.  I name the feeling and the intensity while purposely leaving everything else out.

The first time I heard this technique, it was between my sister and her, soon to be, husband.  The three of us were driving around in the car.  She said, “I’m hungry.”

He said, “Me too.  I’m at a 3.”

She responded, “I’m a 7.”

He said, “Oh, we can pull into this burger place right here if you want.”

It was very clear that they had just rated the intensity of their hunger on a scale from 1 to 10 and communicated that intensity aloud to themselves and to each other.  I just sat there, astonished.  They did it as casually as saying, “my car’s gas gauge is at ½ a tank,” and then “my car’s gas gauge is less than ¼.”  “Okay, there’s a gas station up ahead.  Let’s do something about it.”

Meanwhile, I’ve had that same hunger conversation with my significant other many times before and it had never gone that smoothly.  If she said, “I’m hungry,” and I said, “me too,” we would have assumed the other person was exactly as hungry as we were.  Inevitably, a big misunderstanding would erupt when I didn’t offer to pull into the first restaurant I saw.

She’d probably elevate her intensity to get my attention.  “Where are you going?  I just said I’m hungry!”

I’d probably mirror her intensity right back at her, “me too!  I’m driving us straight home to make lunch!”  Then we’d bicker until we figured out that she was “very hungry right now”, and I would be “pretty hungry by the time we got home”.  We’d continue to squabble until we were finally seated with food on our forks.  After that, we’d spend the rest of the day in silence with little invisible rainclouds over our heads; each wondering, “when are they going to just let it go already?”

It’s amazing how much a moment can change when someone is or isn’t heard correctly or understood.  “I need a restroom,” lands different than, “I need a restroom and I’m at an 8.”  The same goes with anger and hurt feelings.  Saying, “I’m hurt.  It’s a 2,” verses, “I’m hurt, it’s a 7,” can make a world of difference in how it’s received by the other person and what response they can give.

Where Am I At?

I have discovered that I don’t have to know exactly what I’m experiencing to check-in and rate my emotional state.  It’s like glancing at a car’s dash while driving and saying, “oh, I’ve got 3 lights on.  Something must be up.”  I can also glance at my body’s internal dashboard by noting aloud, “I’m struggling and I’m an 8,” “I’m emotional and I’m a 2,” or “I’m stressed at a 6.”  I can pick a large, simple, topic like “struggling” and simply rate it.  It comes across very clearly as a quick look at where I’m at.

When driving, the next step would be to take a longer look at the dashboard’s lights.  It’s hard to do that when I’m driving though.  I’ll probably try to figure them out at the next stop light, or I might pull over and look.  As a human, it’s hard to figure out what I’m feeling when I’m busy or distracted.  I probably need to take a moment to step aside or go sit down so I can figure out what I’m feeling.

If I take a moment to listen, I find that, “I’m struggling and I’m an 8,” will naturally break into more descriptive pieces.  Before long, I will know, “I’m confused.  It’s a 4.  I’m tired.  I’m at a 3.  I feel rushed.  Oh, that’s an 8.  Wait!  That’s what I’m struggling with; I feel rushed and it’s an 8.”  Now that I know this, I can communicate it to the people around me and I can do something about it.

The question that I like to use to uncover what my internal dashboard is trying to tell me is, “Where am I at?”  I don’t say, “what am I struggling with,” “what’s bothering me,” or, “what’s my problem?”  That will cause my mind to go looking for a struggle or a problem.  In some cases, it immediately becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  My mind goes looking for a struggle or a problem and it finds what it’s looking for in moments.  Now I’ve accidently created a struggle or a problem.  “Where am I at,” doesn’t put expectations on myself to give any type of answer.  It starts me off from a place of non-judgement.  From calm and content to stressed and upset, I have equal chances of discovering the uninterpreted signals that describe my current  emotional state.

This goes double for checking in with other people.  I often ask others, “where are you at?”  I try not to ask, “what’s your struggle,”  “what’s wrong,” “what’s bothering you,” or “what’s your problem?”  That will immediately create a struggle or a problem.  I don’t want to project my assumptions onto them either.  Even if they look sad or angry to me, I don’t say, “you look sad,” or “are you angry?”  That’s the equivalent of me pushing my opinion and assumptions onto them.

Have you ever had someone say, “why are you angry,” when you were not angry?  Before long, did you find something to be angry about?  Instead, try a tone of neutral curiosity with other people.  “How are you doing over there?  Emotionally, where are you at?”  Let them tell you how they are feeling instead of you telling them what you think they are feeling.

When I’m alone and checking in with myself, I have found the types of things I can rate on a scale from 1 to 10 are nearly infinite as long as I keep them focused on my internal state and keep the words simple.  However, there’s almost always an issue with the first thing that comes up when I ask myself, “where am I at?”  Odds are, I’m picking words that are full of blame.  That’s one of the not-so wonderful things human brains seem to automatically do for us.  Brains seem to go looking for reasons to blame.  This is why I strongly recommend you don’t share your initial internal ratings until you take a follow-up step of removing everyone else from the emotion that just came to your attention.

I start by rating anything I’m feeling without stressing myself out over whether or not my brain is making up stories or blaming others.  Then, I ask myself, “is that just me or does it include other people?”  With that, I try to break whatever word I rated into more basic emotions and signals that don’t involve other people or outside situations.

For example, “I feel robbed and it’s a 7,” is a great place to start but not a great place to stop and share with others.  Next, I ask, “is that just me or does it include other people?”  Well, it implies someone robbed me.  Okay, good to know.  If there was no other person, what would I call this feeling?  I might get something like, “I feel angry at a 7.  I feel loss at a 5.  I feel sad at a 5.”  Dropping the other person leads to a more core signal that only involves me.

Dropping the other person or the outside situation is important for a lot of reasons that I’ll talk more about in the next section, “use simple words.”  One of the most important reasons I want to talk about right now is that no one can argue with your core emotions.  “I feel angry at a 7.”  Is a declaration about your current state that doesn’t involve any interpretation or anyone else.

No one can argue with our core signals and raw basic emotions. Invalidation is a black hole of miscommunication.

It’s like reading a car’s warning lights aloud to another person with no attempt to interpret their meaning. You’re just relaying information.  “There’s a little thermometer that says ‘hot,’ a box with some water lines in it, and some text that says, ‘check engine’.”  No one can argue with that.  If they do, it has nothing to do with the lights on the car’s dash.  They are arguing about something else.

If anyone argues with our core signals, they are not respecting our current state and they are invalidating our emotions.  As of this moment, invalidation of anyone’s core signals is something we do not tolerate.  Whether it was by accident or not, invalidation is a black hole of miscommunication.  It creates issues that weren’t even there a moment ago.  Instead of talking about how we feel, we are now defending how we feel and trying to convince someone to accept how we feel.  Unfortunately, this happens often with human brains.  Whether someone invalidates us, or we do it to them, our brains like to skip to the next step of the conversation rather than just say, “okay.  Thanks for letting me know where you’re at.”  Skipping that step can instantly invalidate what a person is trying to share and it is a great way to start an argument.  Thanks brain.

As part of the self-work that comes with this series, we are going to purposely try not to invalidate other people’s emotions.  If someone invalidates our emotions, we are going to start politely pausing and redirecting them, “hold on.  I just said exactly how I feel.  My feelings are not up for debate.  Before we move on in this conversation, I need to hear that you understand where I’m at.”  That’s an example of a boundary.  I’m not going to explore boundaries right now, but I’ll be devoting plenty of pages to that in future.

Getting back to identifying core signals and emotion, here are a few examples of dicey words I find myself rating in “round one” of rating where I’m at.  Imagine each of these words filling in the blank in “I feel ____ and I’m a 4”: emotional, stressed out, like I’m struggling, hurt, unheard, rushed, robbed, cheated, pissed, anxious, annoyed, hungry, used, like I’m in trouble, blamed, targeted, and ignored.

Can you see how many of those might involve blaming or judging either another person or myself?  Many of those words have unspoken expectations built into them.  It’s like there are words that encourage my brain to start criticizing myself and others.  For example, if I feel “cheated,” then I probably feel cheated by someone or some situation.  I feel cheated compared to some unspoken expectations that were somehow in my brain.  Where did those expectations even come from?

Here are a few examples of words that begin to strip away the blame and the expectations.  These are some of the words I find myself rating in “round two” of checking in with my emotional state.  Imagine each of these words filling in the blank for “I’m ____ and I’m a 4”: struggling, emotional, mad, sad, frustrated, stressed, hungry, horney, anxious, confused, tired, cold, physically drained, socially drained, emotionally drained, over stimulated, “in need of a restroom,” “craving attention,” and “wanting to leave.”  These words are more core signals because I’ve ditched the words that focus on expectations and blame.  I’m talking about just me, not me in relations to outside situations and other people.

It’s important to not rate anyone but ourselves and to not use this tool to attack others or project blame.  “You’re being a jerk and you’re at an 8,” would be a disaster and would completely miss the point of this tool.  The point is to ask, “where am I at,” and rate my struggle.  We rate only ourselves and we keep our words as simple as possible.  Note how a lot of the examples in the last paragraph were basic emotions.  Later in this series, we’re going to talk about expressing a real emotion verses words that are just a story masquerading as an emotion.

When we’re struggling, our brain is often spinning on an assumption or looking for reasons to justify the projection of blame.  It makes up a story that’s often way off base and not helpful for resolving our actual struggle.  Leave it out.  Leave the story out.  Don’t say, “I’m rushed and it’s a 9 because you’ve been dragging your feet all morning.”  Instead say, “I’m struggling.  It’s a 9.”  When you dig into it a little more in round two, say “I’m feeling anxious at a 7 and I’m feeling scared at a 9.”  Leave all the “because you, you, you,” out.

Many times, the clear communication of our internal struggle is enough.  The other person often understands where we are at and what they can do to help the situation.  It’s like they heard us communicate the gauges on the car’s dash and now that they understand the struggle, they are ready to support us.  If we project blame, however, the other person gets caught up in the task of defending themselves and setting the record straight rather than just hearing what we’re struggling with and how they might help us.

Sometimes it’s not until I rate something aloud that I even realize I’m experiencing it or that I’m at a level that should warrant some action or communication.  At the same time, noting the intensity clearly communicates my struggle to others and relieves them of the burden of guessing incorrectly.  It relieves them of having to guess all together.  Rating my struggle often reveals my core signals to myself and then to others.

The question is, when I decided to share a rated word, did I pick a good word or did I just create a communication issue.

–Okay, I’m going to break this topic into two parts.  In the next part we will talk about many ways to home in on a good words verse blame filled words and what to do after we’ve successfully discovered what signals we’re experiencing and what their intensities are.  Thanks!  ~Danny