Com101 – Emotionally, Where Am I At? (Part 2)

Last time, in part 1, we compared the alert lights on our car’s dashboard to our internal emotional dashboard with core signals that pop up to alert us of potential situations.  Those core signals are standard to all humans and can’t be argued with.  This article is going to focus on getting to those core signals and then go over some tools we can use to hone these skills.

Use Simple Words

As stated in the last section, I ask myself, “where am I at?”  Then, after picking and rating a word that describes my struggle, I ask myself, “does this emotion describing just me or does it include other people?”  Then I break it down until I’m using words that only describe me.  Words like, “I feel sad and it’s a 3,” or “I’m emotionally drained and I’m at a 6.”

When I share my rating, I found the simpler the vocabulary, the better the result.  I shoot for words a 5 to 10 year old would understand.  Instead of saying “I feel ambivalent and it’s a 7.  I feel incredulous and I’m a 6,” I say, “I feel confused and it’s a 7.  I feel surprised and I’m a 6.”  Using a complex or uncommon word might seem extra precise to me but it often backfires.  I find it can confuse the other person, especially if their emotions are also elevated.  Uncommon words tend to result in even less understanding in an already tense moment.

I find complex vocabulary can also turn into conversations about what words mean rather than talking about current alerts on someone’s emotional dashboard.  On the light side, this can accidently derail a conversation.  On a more sinister note, it can be a tactic used to avoid the subject of emotions.  Vocabulary can accidently come off condescending or insulting which can result in frustration for the other person.  It may even be used to intellectual bully the other person, “I can’t believe you don’t know what incredulous means.  It means I’m surprised.”  Avoid complex vocabulary and you will benefit from avoiding accidently insulting or belittling your listener.

If someone is using a ridiculous vocabulary to minimize or bully you, set a boundary.  “Hold on, I’m emotional right now and a little overwhelmed already.  Big words are not welcome right now.  I’m only going to use and accept words a 10 year old would understand.”

Another reason I use a grade school vocabulary is because we all have slightly different meanings attached to words.  I might realize I’m angry and then try to interpret that into a word that describes the intensity of my anger.  I could say, “I’m miffed.”  Well, what does that word mean to each of us?  Is it, “I’m angry at a 1,” or, “I’m angry at a 5?”  It’s hard to tell.  On top of that, the other person will have their own ideas of how intense the word “miffed” is.  I advise keeping it simple, “I’m angry and I’m a 3.”

In addition to simple words, I also find I can rate the simple actions that my emotions want me to take.  It’s often the action I’m struggling against.  Again, I want to only share actions that don’t involve other people.  “I want to break down and cry.  I’m an 8.”  “I want to run out the front door and keep running.  I’m a 5 out of 10.”  “I want to rage quit this job.  I’m at a 6.”  “I want to go hide under a blanket, I’m a 6.”  “I just want to scream at a 7.”

Rating the action often lessens my body’s desire to actually do whatever I just described.  As soon as I say, “I want to run out the front door and I’m a 5,” I can feel my body relaxing and the urge to run becomes less of an exclamation point and more of a question mark in my mind.  Somehow saying it encourages my mind to consider, “wait, is that really what I want to do?  Is that even useful?”  Instead of fighting an urge to stomp off, I find myself asking, “wait, do I actually want to stomp off right now?”

Notice that I’m describing how rating my struggle helps me become clear with myself about myself.  Why would it be so important to get clear with myself?  It’s because it wakes me up to the fact that my body and my emotions are sending me signals and I may or may not be listening.  In some cases, I may be downright ignoring the signals.  In other cases, I might be already acting on emotions, possibly even overreacting.  Either way, as soon as I say, “I’m scared and it’s a 6,” it’s like a light goes off and I can see myself.  It’s the first step toward emotional self-mastery.

Timeout After 2

Based on everything we talked about in the previous article, “Emotions Are Real,” if my emotions are anything higher than a 2, then I know that my thinking is impaired.  I say to myself, “woah, wait a minute.  I’m sad and it’s a 4.  Hold on here.  Am I even thinking clearly right now?”  I can look down at my hands and tell myself to stop typing that text message to my boss.  I can set the phone down and take a few deep breaths.

When I’m interacting with other people, if either one of us is more than a 2, I now call a “Timeout.  I love you.”  Where appropriate, I might replace the “I love you,” with “I appreciate you.”  It might sound like this, “Hold on.  Timeout.  I appreciate you.  We seem elevated.  I need to take 5 or 10 minute break.”

I believe calling a timeout when someone’s emotions are higher than a 2 is a humungous superpower that I didn’t previously possess.  All my life I thought the phrase, “timeout,” was a last resort or an eject button.  It was reserved for those moments where I found myself saying in my head, “I can’t do this anymore.  We’re about to crash.”  My “plan” used to be to wait until emotions were an 8 or a 9 before calling a timeout.  With my emotions that high, my brain wasn’t working right.  Half the time I couldn’t remember to call for a timeout like I had intended to.  I literally set myself up to fail by planning to wait until I was overwhelmed before saying “Timeout.  I’m overwhelmed.”

What’s worse, if I did call for a timeout when I was an emotional 8 or 9, I would do it very badly.  I don’t know about you, but when I’m overwhelmed, I’m going to do anything and everything poorly.  I would turn and walk away to another room to take my timeout, or I would go straight out the front door.  In that overwhelmed moment, both options seemed like a great way to calm myself down.  The issue was, I would do it without saying a word to the other person.

They would be baffled and confused.  Some reported feeling abandoned or even “broken up with.”  Others would chase me into the next room and continue to yell, only now it was, “don’t walk away from me when I’m talking to you.”  The Gottman Institute calls that the “Pursuer-Distancer Dynamic”.  I’ve also heard it called a “Pursuer & Pursued” pattern.  If you are familiar with attachment styles, it’s a classic pattern of and avoidant attachment style interacting with an anxious attachment style in an emotional moment.

If I did actually try to communicate that I needed space when I was an 8 or 9 (overwhelmed), I would also do it really poorly.  I’d say blunt things like, “I can’t take this anymore,” “leave me alone,” or “I give up.”  Then, after those brilliant words, I’d walk away or out the front door.  Again, people reported feeling abandoned or even “broken up with.”  That doesn’t exactly communicate, “Timeout.  I love you.  I need about 10 minutes.  I’d like to take some space and breathe.  Maybe I’ll go sit in the bedroom or go for a walk around the block.”  Which version would you rather hear from someone you care about, “Timeout.  I love you,” or “I give up”?

To reiterate, the lesson is to plan on calling a timeout when your struggle is anything above a 2.  Aim for taking action the moment your emotions are between 3 and 5 so a timeout will always be long before you are at an 8 or 9.  So call a timeout as soon as possible and practice doing it often.  Your mind will be in a much better state when you call the timeout, and you will be a thousand times more likely to do it with polite respect.

I even call timeouts on myself when I’m alone.  For example, say I’m driving in my car and I don’t realize that I’m playing some toxic conversation in my head over and over again.  I get to my destination, a party at my friend’s house.  I realize I feel a little off.  Something is up with me and I’m struggling with something.  I say to myself, “Woh-woh.  Timeout.  I feel a little bit off.  Like a 5 or 6.  Okay, what’s up?  Where am I at?  Hmm.  I’m amped up.  I’m like a 7.  Hold on.  Serious timeout now.  Why is this music playing so loud?”  I switch off the stereo.  “I’m just going to breath for a second before I go into the party.”  Then I take my deep breaths while counting seconds in my head, “1, 2, 3, 4, and, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and…”

After I’m calm, I just sit with the emotion.  I rate the intensity of my struggle again and break up the phrase, “I’m amped,” into smaller pieces.  “Okay, I’m freaked out about running into my exe and it’s a 7.”  At this point, I’m still in round one of rating my struggle.  I realize now that I’ve been playing an imaginary argument with them in my head the whole drive over here.  I’m practicing an outcome that involves arguing at a party.  I’m aware I’ve got some alerts that are lit up on my emotional dashboard and I know they are not core signals yet.

For round two I ask myself, “does this emotion describing just me or does it include other people or events?”  Then I sit with that question for a minute.  “Okay, I’m anxious.  It’s a 6.  I’m angry.  It’s a 5.  I’m sad.  It’s a 5.  Wow, I’m scared.  That’s a 7.”  From there I can sit with it and dig into why I’m feeling all these things, and I’ll talk more about that step later in this series.  Time and time again, what really comes to light is that I’m not feeling just one thing.  I’m feeling many things.  I’m not just anxious.  I’m anxious, plus angry, plus sad, plus scared.  That’s a lot at once.  No wonder my emotions were at a 7, they were all stacked up.

What’s even more amazing is that by the time I see the core signals my body was trying to send me, I start to see how my brain was making up a story and creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.  In the current examples, I realized I was angry, sad, and scared.  I being to see that I’m afraid of a confrontation with my exe where I will have to defend myself and my boundaries.  I’m scared because I don’t want to have an argument with a bully in front of all my friends, yet what was I just doing?  I was replaying an imaginary argument in front of all my friend on the whole drive over here.  I was practicing an outcome that was the complete opposite of what my body was on high alert about.  I was beginning to create a self-fulfilling prophecy that was the polar opposite of what I want.  Thanks again brain.

The core signals were pretty simple, but my brain intercepted them.  Rather than just letting me feel the signals, my brain jumped two steps ahead and starting creating a made-up story and someone to blame.  The story was even trying to give me justification for having an argument at a party.  Isn’t that the truth?  In our pretend arguments in our mind, we get to be so righteous and they are always so very wrong.  Then I started practicing that outcome.  I repeated it over and over again the whole drive to the party.  “We fall to the level of our training,” remember?  Some might call it worry, or anxiety but regardless of the word we used, we are practicing an outcome and we are way more likely to act as we practiced.  We are doing some serious manifesting in an accidently self-sabotaging way.

Why not practice it all going right instead?  What if I imagine and replay a version of the story where she’s totally polite and respectful and I’m totally polite and respectful?  How about a version where I politely put a halt to any interactions with my toxic exe and then we both smile and have a good time while keeping our distance.

Reframing our brain’s default narrative is going to be another step in this getting clear with yourself process that I’ll cover in future pages.  For the moment, I just want you to see that our communication starts inside us, long before we open our mouths to attempt to interact with someone.  We get to choose the conversations we practice in our mind’s eye.  Let’s choose a version where we get to practice being experts at owning our emotions and unshakably patient with ourselves and our conversation counterpart.

Next time you’re emotions are a little off, try calling a timeout on yourself and see what happens for you.  Try asking yourself, “where am I at,” and “does this emotion describing just me or does it include other people or events?”  You may find yourself saying, “I’m anxious at a 6 and angry at a 5.  It’s no wonder my emotions are at a 7.  That’s a lot at once.”  This simple acknowledgement and validation of our own emotions can be powerful for owning what we do with them.  Doing all this can be a step toward relaxing our emotions and regaining control of our mental faculties.

How easy would your life be if conflict interactions and misunderstanding started with being in control of yourself and the story your brain invents as a way to act throughout the situation.  To do that, we must start with a timeout to check-in with ourselves.

Tool: Sit With It: Refocus On Me

This is the first part of the “sit with it” process.  The process starts with “Refocus on me.”  The full, “Sit with it” process can be found in the index.

Use this tool when you have a moment to actual sit with whatever emotions you are currently experiencing.  A timeout should be called first if you are in the middle of something or other people are present.  I often excuse myself from situations by “stepping outside for a phone call,” excusing myself for a moment to “grab something from the car,” or a restroom break.

The goal is to take a moment to actually experience whatever we are feeling and then uncover the core signals our body is sending to us.  It is likely we are focused on external factors.  Let’s take a moment to exclude those things and refocus on only our internal experience.

“Sit with it” Part 1, “Focus on me”

1. Rate your struggle on a scale from 1 to 10 with the prompt, “where am I at?”
2. Breathe – Whatever your highest rated item was, take that many deep breaths with the breathing technique 4 in and 6 out and: “1, 2, 3, 4, and, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, and…”
3. Just me? – Ask yourself, “does this emotion describing just me or does it include other people or events?” Continue finding better words and rating them until you have basic emotions and signals that don’t involve other people or external forces.
4. Repeat? – Go back to step 1 as many times as need to. It may take a couple rounds to dial in on emotions and signals that don’t involve anyone else.
5. Acknowledge & validate – Take a moment to thank your human form for sending you these signals. Acknowledge and validate whatever you are experiencing with a phrase like, “wow.  I’m feeling a lot of different emotions, no wonder I’m upset,” or “okay, I’m feeling all this and now I know it.  I get it now.  Thank you for letting me know.  I’ll think about it, and I’ll take appropriate actions.”

The appropriate actions are the next steps in the “Sit with it” process, which will be explained in later articles.  However, the “Focus on me” step is powerful for becoming calm and clear.  It works well as a standalone tool to regain focus.

Exercise: Practicing a Self Check-in

“We fall to the level of our training” when we are emotional.  The goal of this exercise is to build a habit of doing a self check-in.  We are specifically focusing on doing a check-in when we are not very emotional so we practice getting it right.

1. Prep: Pick a habit

Pick a habit you already do a few times a day by default.  For example,  pouring a cup of coffee/tea, brushing your teeth, before the first bite of food at each meal, driving to and from work, or plugging in your phone.  We’re looking for something we already do between 2 and 4 times a day.  You can also pick a few habits that only happen once a day and use all of them as trigger moments.  For example, “when I make my bed in the morning and before I turn on the TV to relax after work”.

Don’t pick a habit you don’t have.  If you don’t already brush your teeth 3 times a day, don’t say “I’ll do a self check-in 3 times a day when I brush my teeth.”  That would be trying to build 2 new habits at once.  That would be self-sabotage.

Make sure you can also spend up to 3 minutes doing this exercise with the existing habit(s).  For example, you may or may not have a minute to pause before you take your first sip of coffee or tea each day.  Do you have 3 minutes to do this practice before putting the car in “drive” when leaving work?  What about before you press the “on” button on the TV remote?  All of those might be great moments for some people and terrible moments for others.  Consider what is best for you.

Steer clear of rushed moments.  “When I pick up my keys,” might not be the right habit to choose because you may be rushing out the door with your hands full.

If you are doing this as a group exercise, give everyone a moment to identify and pick one or more habits they are going to piggyback this new practice off of.  Then go around the circle and have everyone share the habit they chose.

2. Prep: Make a note

Make a physical note to add to the existing habit you just picked that says:

Self Check-In

1. “T”
2. Rate
3. Timeout & Breathe
4. Refocus
5. Difference?

Ensure you can’t miss, overlook, or walk past the note.  Make it a little annoying and in the way.

You can also make a “T” alarm on your phone that goes off a few minutes before you usually do the existing habit.  For example, 5 minutes into your commute, or while the coffee is usually brewing.

If you are doing this as a group exercise, have everyone take action at the same time.  Give everyone 5 minutes to write a physical note, take a photo of the steps with their phone, make alarms in their phone, text themselves, add events in their calendar or whatever they need to do to set themselves up for success with this daily practice.  Using a phone to taking a photo of the next step, “3. Review the steps” can also be helpful for later, even though we haven’t read them as a group yet.

3. Review the steps

Don’t do these steps yet, simply read them first.  If you are in a group, have someone read this section aloud to the group or take turns reading each paragraph.

“T” – At this step, make a “T” with your hands.  This is the classic “timeout” signal in most sports games.  Both hands are open and flat with all the fingers together.  One hand is vertical, the other hand is horizontal and sitting on top of the vertical hand to make a very clear “T” shape.  Think or say, “Timeout.”

Then, get the note that we made earlier.  Don’t try to remember the steps.  Yes, you probably can remember the steps while calm but it will be much less likely the day you’re emotional.  So pull out the physical note, or navigate to the picture in your phone, or go stand next to the fridge and put your finger on the note that’s on the fridge door.

Rate – Say, “Where am I at?”  Then, begin round one of rating your overall internal state and then break it down into smaller words as needed.  Example: “I feel emotional. I’m a 4,” then “I’m anxious about what do make for dinner.  That’s a 2.  I’m a little mad at my brother.  That’s a 4.”

Timeout & Breathe – At this step, think or say “timeout” a second time but ask for some space to process.  “Timeout.  I love you.  I need a few minutes to breathe.”  Then take as many deep breaths as you need, but always take at least one.  A good rule of thumb, whatever your highest rated number was, take that many deep breaths or more.

Refocus – At this step, we use the “Refocus on me” tool from earlier in this article.  Those steps were: Rate, Breathe, Just Me?, and Acknowledge, & validate.  I know we just did some of those actions a moment ago, but this is an iterative process.  We are getting in the habit of seeing we probably have to do the steps multiple times to identify our made-up stories, and core signals.  (See previous heading for more details.)

Difference? – At this step, rate your internal state again and notice the difference between before and after we started.  What thoughts come up now?  Was there any small realizations, solutions, or ah-ha moments?

Repeat the steps as many times as you want.

The primary goal of this practice is to physically make the “T” with your hands and get your note in front of your face.  Then always do the steps, regardless of how you feel.  The “T” becomes the trigger.  The habit we are building is, “when I make this ‘T’, I always stop and do a self check-in.  I always pull my note out.  I always say “timeout”, rate myself, ask for space, breathe, refocus myself, validate myself, and notice the difference in myself.”

Why?  Because sometimes we become non-verbal and/or confused when we are upset.  If we are practicing the “T” signal, it is more likely to become muscle memory.  We are increasing the likelihood of find ourselves making this “T” unconsciously when we are upset.  It’s a clear signal to us and to the other person when words are failing us.  The “T” then becomes a trigger for getting the steps in your hand or front of your face.  The chances of doing the steps skyrocket if the “T” starts to unconsciously appear when you’re emotional and the “T” always results in a break from the emotional moment to getting your cheat sheet.

The secondary goal is to learn how to gently bring yourself back to the steps until they are done.  Yes, your mind and emotions might wander while trying to do this check-in.  It’s okay.  Don’t get angry or reprimand yourself.  Simply noticed it with an “oops, I’m off track.  No worries.  Now where was I?”  Then get back on track until you are done.  You will glide through the steps eventual, be gentle with yourself until then.

Why?  Because berating ourselves for being human or for not already having mastered something new is abusive behavior.  It takes practice to build a new habit.  We need to give ourselves that grace.  If you do catch yourself calling yourself “stupid” or “useless” or berating yourself in any way, simply notice it with an “oops.  No worries.  I’m human and I have plenty of time to get the hang of this.”  This topic is known as “negative self-talk” and it’s beyond the scope of this series, but I definitely recommend doing an online search about it if it’s something you find yourself doing.

4. Do the practice

Take a moment to actually do the steps described in “3. REVIEW THE STEPS,” above.  This will also be the same thing you will do when your 3-times a day reminder is triggered.

If you are in a group, have everyone close their eyes and do the practice silently to themselves.  Allocate 5 to 10 minutes to do the practice.  When breathing, try to match the pace of the people breathing deeply around you.  After you are finished with the last step, open your eyes and remain quite until everyone’s eyes are open.  Then go around the circle and give everyone 2 minutes to either share about their experience or “pass” to the next person.

Now that you done the practice once.  What other names do you know this by?  Some people may call this, “a moment to decompress,” “a breather,” “getting centered,” “getting control of yourself,”  “sitting with emotion,”  “sit with it,” “meditation,” “taking space,” “quiet reflection,” “taking a moment,” or something else.  It’s important to learn other names for this practice so we can recognize when other people are asking for this type of space to sit with their emotions.

5. Going Forward

From now on, when you see the note or your alarm goes off, make the “T” signal with your hands.  Do this without question.  If you are in a calm state, it will take less than a minute to do the practice.  If you are not in a clam state, you will catch yourself and get your day back on track before you do any more damage or lose any more time spiraling in unrecognized emotion.

In the future, feel free to randomly make the “T” and do the practice at experimental times during your day.  Try it before entering your job or before entering your home.  Maybe before a meeting, or as soon as you get off work.  Experiment with times you usually have more stress and then times when you usually have less stress.  Experiment with a self check-in when you wish you could relax.  Try doing it before reaching for whatever you normally use to wind down after work, like a beer, a snack, or a TV remote.

We are consciously doing the exercise often so we increase our chances of finding ourselves unconsciously doing it when we need it.  Remember, “we fall to the level of our training” when we are emotional.  We need to purposely make the “T” symbol and do steps a few times at low, medium, and high emotional states before we will find ourselves automatically doing it when we are in a more stressful situation.  It takes time to build up to that unconscious reflex.  Don’t rush yourself, just do the daily exercises.  Be gentle on yourself, remember, it’s like going to the gym and building a muscle, it takes consistent repetition.

You don’t have to take this journey alone either.  If starting a “practice group” or a “book club” seems right for you, do it.  Send a text or email to get the ball rolling right away.  You can find example text for that first message in the article, “Conscious Practice.”  Look for the “Running A Practice Group” heading and you will find the sample text under step 2, Intentions.