Com101 – Experimenting With Boundaries

In the movie, The Matrix (1999), Morpheus says to the main character, “Neo, sooner or later you’re going to realize, just as I did, that there’s a difference between knowing the path and walking the path.”  I feel this is so true when it comes to healthy boundaries and healthy communication.  Boundaries and communication are so obvious, yet healthy boundaries and healthy communication are so elusive in practice.  As we’ve already seen in the last few articles, boundaries can be unhealthy and used to manipulate us.  At the same time, healthy boundaries can be combined with unhealthy communication and be just as destructive to ourselves and others. 

I believe saying all that means nothing until we experience it for ourselves.  Saying that there is a difference between safe-ask culture and punish-ask culture means nothing until we experience it for ourselves.  Describing a safe space, declaring we don’t participate in unhealthy communication, or describing the power of calling a timeout & check-in are all useless until the day we actually successfully do it. 

If you haven’t already tuned in to my personal philosophy of my writing for this series, I’ll spell it out to you now, “I don’t believe in taking anyone’s word for anything.  I believe in trying things for ourselves, seeing the results for ourselves, and making our own decisions.  I declare that everyone should have the freedom to try things in safe scenarios so they can learn, grow, and heal.  Once things have been personally experienced, I believe, many concepts become self-evident.”  I often hear people say, “fuck around and find out,” but I’m saying, “make more safe spaces to fuck around and find out.”

This series is not trying to convince you of anything.  In fact, my life got exponentially better when I stopped trying to convince anyone of anything.  Instead, I invite you to try it, experience it, and discover how these tools can work for you.  This article is an example of how to make a safe space to fuck around with boundaries and communication and find out what does and does not work.

I invite you to recall or review my “books vs baseball” example from the first few paragraphs of the “Experimenting with ‘No’” article.  It walks through how reading about a skill is no substitute for actually experimenting and practicing a skill.  More importantly, it gives  an example of why jumping into something beyond our present skills can yield disastrous results that will likely destroy our confidence and maybe even scar us with trauma.

Also from that article, recall how the word “experiment” frees us from failure.  We can’t fail if we’re just experimenting.  We are purposely trying to find mess up and see what happens.  A failure is a win when we are experimenting in a safe space.

Now let’s create a safe space to experiment with boundaries and communication.

Experiment: Sharing & Receiving Boundaries

The thing to focus on with this experiment is sticking to the steps for sharing a boundary and receiving someone’s boundary or receiving someone’s “no”.  Feel free to review the articles “Boundaries Keep Us Safe” and “Receiving Someone’s ‘No’“.  The script below is walking through those steps for you, so you need only stick to the script.  At the same time, it’s helpful to know the steps that lead to choosing the words that are in the scripts.

The is one rule to this experiment:  when someone fucks up, they say, “hurray, I fucked up!” and then both people high-five.  Check-in now to see if you’re both good with a high-five.  If not pick some similar action that both people are comfortable with, like giving each other double thumbs-up and a big smile.

Here’s a script for letting someone know they crossed your boundaries.  Like our practice with saying and hearing “no”, there is also a list of silly stuff to start with and a Day 1, Level 1 plan for practicing at the right level for both of you.

Person A: “Hey, is now a good time to talk?”

Person B: “Yeah, sure.  Thanks for asking.  I can give you 100% of my attention for about 10 minutes.”

Person A: “Thanks.  I just wanted to let you know, some stuff about me and how I act in specific situations, regardless of who I’m with at that moment.”

Person B: “Sounds good.  Thanks for trusting me.  I’ll just focus on listening and receiving your message correctly.”

Person A: “Thanks.”  <Item from list below.>

Person B: <Repeat back Person A without introducing anything new to their message.>

Person A & B: <Make any clarifications until Person A confirms Person B heard them correctly.>

Person B: “Thank you for letting me know.  Thank you for your honesty, and thank you for taking care of yourself.”

Person A: “Thank you for listening.  Thank you for taking a moment to give me your full attention like this, I appreciate you.”

Silly & simple boundaries for practice:

• I hate asparagus. I will strive to not have it on my plate and if it is on my plate, I will either get a new plate or push it aside and ignore it.  (Next level: insert actual food you hate.)
• I hate bars. The noise, the smoke, the awkward social rituals, I hate it all.  If we go there, my limit is about 30 minutes and then I’ll probably have to leave.  (Next level:  insert actual noisy place you hate.)
• Belly buttons creep me out. <adlib a silly reason and a personal plan of action to survive with this fact.> (Next level: insert something that actually creeps you out or grosses you out.)
• I don’t participate in yelling. If I’m in a situation where someone is yelling, I will ask them to lower their volume or I will reschedule the conversation for another time and I will walk away.  (Next level: insert another thing that brakes a safe-ask conversation for you and adlib a clear boundary.)
• I hate sports. It’s boring to me.  I’m simply not interested and I don’t want to try to like it.  I would rather spend my time on other things.  When people are watching sports, I simply excuse myself and go do something else.  I’m telling you now, so you are aware what happened if I ever disappear once sports are a topic.  (Next level: insert something you actually find boring and adlib a clear boundary.)
• I’m afraid of clowns. I don’t want to talk about it or explain it because it freaks me out.  Any clown talk or whatever, I’m out.  I’m walking away.  (Next level: insert something you are actually unreasonably or inexplicable afraid of and adlib a clear boundary.)

Day 1, Level 1

Take turns using the script and randomly picking 1 silly boundary from above.  Do one each and stop.

Analogy: This is like playing tee-ball with a friend using a wiffle ball.  The two of you take turns with the wiffle bat and tee or standing in the field trying to catch the wiffle ball when it’s coming at you.  You’re both purposely trying to hit the ball to your friend in a way that would be easy to catch.

1. How did it feel?

From here on, chose the level of practice you’d like to try today.  Don’t skip any levels.  Don’t move on unless both people feel confident on the current level.

Level 2

Do Level 1 as a warm up, then put this text aside and adlib a silly, made up, boundary.  If you need to, review step 3 of, “Boundaries Keep Us Safe” or “Receiving Someone’s ‘No’” to see why the script was worded the way it was and to find more example phrases to experiment with.

Analogy: This is like practicing wiffle ball with a friend.  You each pitch the ball to yourself and try to purposely to hit it to your friend in a way that would be easy to catch.

1. Did Person A give a clear and fair boundary? Were they clear about what is in and out of bounds for them? Was it a clear statement about how they conduct themselves regardless of who they are with?  Were they clear about their own behaviors and not telling anyone else what to do?  Did they apologize for having a boundary?  (No one should ever apologize for having a boundary.)
2. Did Person B repeat it back and seek clarity? Did Person B leave their own emotions and opinions out of it? Did Person B introduce any new information while trying to just repeat back the message?  Did Person B take the mic and get up on stage or did they stay in the audience and just seek clarity?
3. Did both of you thank each other every step of the way?
4. Are you both pleased with the result? Does this specific boundary experiment need a do-over just to be sure everyone is pleased with the result? If so, try it again.

Level 3

Do Level 1 as a warmup, then try using the script to share one real and small boundary by using the “next level” text on each of the example boundaries.

Analogy: This is like practicing baseball with a friend.  The ball is real and could hurt, so everyone agrees to be gentle.  You take turns with the bat and the glove.  You each pitch the ball to yourself and try to purposely to hit it to your friend in a way that would be easy to catch while they figure out how the glove protects their hand from getting hurt.

Two Timeouts to Hold a Safe Space: If someone shares a boundary that is not simple or too personal, call a “timeout.”  If it’s too complex, simply reply, “timeout.  I’m trying to understand.  Can you simplify the explanation?”  Note that we are asking them to simplify their explanation, not their boundaries.  If it’s too personal, simply reply, “timeout.  That’s too personal for me.  Please find a more suitable person to share that with,” as part of the exercise.

Answer the Level 2 Questions.

Level 4

Do Level 3 as a warmup, then close this text and try sharing one small and real boundary without using the examples.

Analogy: This is like practicing baseball with a friend when you both know how to hit and catch.  Everyone is agreeing to be safe, but now you can stand much further apart.  You take turns with the bat and the glove.  You each pitch the ball to yourself and try to purposely to hit it to your friend in a way that would be easy to catch.  You trust each other.  You trust yourself to easily hit the ball to your friend and you trust your friend will catch it with easy.

Use the two timeouts from Level 3 to keep the boundary simply and not too personal.

Answer the Level 2 Questions.

Level 5

Challenge yourself to experiment with sharing one small and real boundary out in the wild today.  Share to the level of intimacy and trust the other person has already proven they deserve.  Don’t share any intimate topics with strangers, and don’t share overly intimate topics with people who haven’t earn that level of intimacy.  Let this become one of your new daily habits.

Analogy: This is walking around with a wiffle ball and saying “hey, you think you can catch this if I toss it to you?”  Then, we get to experiment and see what people say and do.  We get to see how they are with wiffle ball without ever risking the use of a baseball.  We are identifying who would be good to invite to an actual game of wiffle ball someday.

Don’t over think this.  You can simply post on social media, “Public service announcement: I don’t like broccoli and if you serve it to me I won’t eat it.  Thank you for your time and attention.”

Level 6

Challenge yourself to experiment with saying “no” and sharing a small boundary that you normally would feel pressure to say “yes” to.  Do this out in the wild or with your loved ones.  Let this be one of your new daily habits.

Analogy: This is walking around with a baseball and selectively tossing it to people who have already proven they can trusted to be safe with it.  You’ve toss the wiffle ball and baseball back and forth so much that it’s no big deal and you rarely have to give them a heads up.  The two of you just make eye contact and toss the ball with easy.  We are identifying who would be good to invite to an actual game of baseball someday.

Share without reacting with emotion that is above a 2.  If you can’t, call a timeout to collect yourself instead of responding yes or no to the request.  “Hold on.  I’m not sure how I feel about that.  Something feels ‘off’ for me.  Give me a minute to collect my thoughts.  I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

In preparation, ask yourself, “what are some things I say yes to and then regret later?”  A few possible topics to consider: When do you give your time away only to regret it later?  Do you giving your energy away when people ask?  How about money, personal items, knowledge, or expertise?  Do you hug people you don’t really want to hug?  Do you agree to things you don’t want to agree to?  Remember, step 2 of making a boundary, we need to make a commitment to ourselves to protect ourselves and our needs.  We don’t want to abandon ourselves, say yes to things, and then get mad at other people when we were the one that gave away our resources or compromised our own needs.

Before you start, mentally and emotionally prepare to make your “no” not a big deal and make repeating your “no” and standing firm also not a big deal.  If you’d like examples, review the steps in the article, “Boundaries Keep Us Safe.”

Again, “experiment” is the mindset with this challenge.  We can’t fail if we are just experimenting.  If anyone responds with anything other than “okay.  Thanks,” or something goes catastrophically wrong, you probably just bumped into a punish-ask cultured person.  Now you know that about them and you found out with a small boundary, not a big one.  Don’t criticize or lecture them about punish-ask culture.  It’s not our job to educate them.  It also comes across as judgement and blame, which is counterproductive.  If you have to get firm with someone, simply remind them, “Hey, I said ‘no, thanks,’ this is a boundary for me.  I’m just going to leave it at that.” If they continue, remind them, “Hey, I said ‘no, thanks,’ a couple times now and ‘no’ is a complete sentence.”  For more phrases, see “Step 3: Make The Boundary Known”, and look for the heading, “They crossed the boundary more than once”.

No Level 7?

Do not progress passed sharing a small boundary in the wild on a daily basis.  Why?  So far, we’ve been talking about creating a safe space and holding that safe space with boundaries. 

We’ve been working on embodying safe-ask culture.  We’ve been using small instances of the word “no” and small boundaries to practice keeping the space safe while interacting with someone.  These experiments are not about getting into difficult topics that are causing rifts or friction in relationships.  That involve some in-depth healthy communication tools we have not talked about yet.  The articles ahead will begin to share those tools and prepare us for more difficult conversations.  Don’t rush into those conversations yet.

Analogy: Those conversations are like being in the last inning in The World Series.  We’re not ready for that yet and we will probably not be happy with the results.