Com101 – Experimenting With “No”

Reading a book on baseball does absolutely nothing for your baseball skills unless you go step on the field and play. 

For some reason, many of us hear about, or read about, new skills and we get lost in the excitement and we run out and try to use the knowledge before we’ve actually turned the information into skills.  We’re so super excited about this new “baseball” thing that we signup for the biggest game we can find.  Somehow, our excitement gets us on the field in a major league game called “the world series.”  However, it’s our first time holding a bat and we’ve never thrown or caught a ball before.  How are we going to do?  How many home runs are we going to hit based on maximum excitement, zero skills, and zero practice?  How crushed are we going to be in front of millions of TV viewers?  With trauma like that, how likely will we be to pick up a bat ever again?  How likely will we be to swear baseball is stupid and bats don’t work?

We need to start at a level where striking out is safe and has no consequences.  A level where striking out is fun and funny.  We need to play tee ball with our best friend in the back yard first.  We need to set the ball at the perfect height, let it sit there and then fail to hit it until we start getting good at connecting with the ball.  We need focused practice to get good at hitting the ball every time.  Then we need to go to the batting cages and get good at that.  Then we learn to catch, and we learn the rules to the game of baseball.  We need to play a friendly game with people we know and trust.  We need to get called out a few times when we accidently do something against the rules.  I’m sure you see where this is going.  We need to work our way up to a AAA game, then a major league game, then a major league game that is worthy of possibly getting us into the world series.

Go setup some tee-ball style boundary conversations with a trusted friend or group of friends.  Practice saying ‘no’ and receiving a ‘no’ in a controlled environment with little to no consequences.  Take turns asking each other any silly question and make it a rule that the other person must say “no”.  Practice giving and receiving the “no”.  Practice stating the boundary that goes along with the “no”.  Use things that don’t matter until everyone is comfortable with it, and then try one small, silly, real-life thing to bring up with your friend and see how the emotions and adrenaline spike and mess with both of you.

Don’t read all this information and turn to your significant other and say, “I just learned boundaries.  Want to talk about that trauma trigger that always turns into an argument and ends with one of us storming out?  I’m sure everything will be different this time.  Is now a good time to talk?”  No.  That’s not how it works.  We need to start with something that doesn’t matter or something completely made up and just practice the skills of communicating it with a healthy way.

Even when we are, indeed, at a level of mastery over the healthy emotional regulation and healthy communication skills in this web series (or the book), we still need to warm up.  Professional baseball players warm up before a game.  They stretch.  They by throwing a ball back and forth.  They taking a few practice swings before stepping into the actual game.

I want to permission you to step up to people you trust and say, “Hey, I’ve been reading this web series on healthy communication and safe-ask culture.  I was wondering if I could practice a phrase or two with you while I tell you something that doesn’t matter, like what my favorite color is and what my least favorite color is?”

I really love warming up with, “what’s your favorite color,” and “my least favorite color is…”  No one can argue with that.  Whatever your favorite color is, that’s a fact and it can never be “wrong”.  If someone wants to argue with you or debate about what your favorite color is, they literally just called themselves out as someone with unhealthy communication skills or as a  manipulator.  There is absolutely no reason to argue, or make us “wrong,” or try to change our mind.  If they try to, or if we try to, we’ve just learned how hard this actually is on something that doesn’t matter.  Knowing this is wonderful!  Let’s laugh about it and call a “do over” to try again. 

Practice is just an experiment and we can’t fail when we are experimenting.  Making a mess is part of experimenting, it’s the goal to not get it right and see what happen when we trying different things.  We also get to practice calling a “do over” and getting back on track like it’s no big deal.  Then one day, it will all be no big deal.

As a personal challenge, find a friend to practice the following scripts with.  Call it an experiment and just try it.  Schedule time to practice in person or over the phone for 10 minutes.  Experiment with doing it with a different friend.  Experiment practicing once or try a few days in a row.  Maybe practice with a roommate?  Maybe a family member?  Maybe a lunch-time coworker?  Get creative.

Experiment: Hearing & Saying “No”.

In order to actually participate in safe-ask culture, we need to really start feeling like a “no” is not a big deal and we are always welcome to give and receive “no” at any time.  This is why our practice is going to start with simply saying “no.”  

Some people have a hard time saying “no.”  Some people have a hard time hearing “no.”  Some people unconsciously get scared or triggered.  Some people get the urge to step in and help or save the other person from the situation.  Some people get very uncomfortable with someone else showing uncomfortable feelings.  Some people have to unconsciously push back.  This experiment will expose some of those triggers. 

Note the emotions that come up as something to think about and process in the future, but not now.  Now is not the time to dig into our pasts or our traumas.  We’re simply saying “no,” so we can see what feelings we are personally dealing with.  We are saying “no” so we can show our unconscious mind that this word is not a big deal.

If giving and receiving a “no” turns out to not be a big deal for you, that’s wonderful!  However, please approach the experiment gently because your partner may not be in the same emotional state as you when it comes to this word.

The script for “no”

Person A: <ask a question about a boundary (see list below).>

Person B: “Thanks for asking first and not just acting on assumption.  I’m going to have to say, no, thank you.  Please don’t ask again, I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”

Person A: “Thanks for your honesty.  Thanks for taking care of yourself.”

Person B: “Thanks for hearing me.”

Here are some silly questions to get you started:

• Can I punch you in the face?
• Can I borrow $1,000 dollars?
• Can I borrow your car?
• Can you give me a back rub?
• Can I give you a hug?
• Can you make me dinner?
• Can I redecorate your house?
• Can you help me move?
• Can you listen to my sob story about work?

Day 1, Level 1

Use the script and silly questions above.  Take turns and stop after both of you have asked three questions.

1. How did it feel to say ‘no’? Was it easy or was there a twinge as you said it?
2. How did it feel to be told ‘no’? Was it easy or was there a twinge as you said it?

From here on, chose the level of practice you’d like to try today.  Don’t skip any levels.  Don’t move on if you don’t feel confident in the current level.

Level 2

Do Level 1 as a warmup, then put this text aside and adlib a silly request the Person B will always say “no” to.

1. Did Person B actually say “no” or did they dodge it?
2. Did Person B apologize for having a boundary? (They should not.)
3. Did both of you thank each other every step of the way?

Level 3

Do Level 1 as a warmup, then try using the script to share one real and tiny request which the other person is free to say “yes” or “no” to?  It must be small.  If it’s too big, simply reply, “no, that’s too big,” as part of the experiment.

1. Did Person B actually give a clear “yes” or “no,” or did they dodge it somehow?
2. Did Person B say “yes,” but now they kind of regret it?
3. Did Person B apologize for having a boundary? (They should not.)
4. Did both of you thank each other every step of the way?
5. Does this one need a do-over?

Level 4

Do Level 3 as a warmup, then close this text and try sharing one small, and not-so silly, real request and the response.

Answer the Level 3 questions together.

Level 5

Challenge yourself to experiment out in the wild by asking one person (a stranger, a friend, a coworker, etc.) one small and real request today.  Anything from “can I borrowing a pen,” to “can I get a high-five?” 

Before you ask, mentally and emotionally be okay with receiving a “no” as being no big deal.  If you receive a no, be sure to still thank them and relieve all doubt that a “no” is no big deal.  It was just a request and they are always free to say know to requests.

“Experiment” is a key word and mindset with this challenge.  We can’t fail if we are just experimenting.  If something goes catastrophically wrong, you probably just bumped into a punish-ask cultured person.  Now you know that about them and you found out with a small request, not a big one.  Just tell them, “Thanks for your honesty.  Truth be told, I’ve been trying this experimental challenge to just ask more questions and receive more ‘no’s with grace.  It’s a little scary sometimes, but I’m glad you said ‘no.’  I won’t ask this type of thing of you again now that I know you’re not okay with it.  Can you help me understand, was I supposed to already know this question not okay to ask?  How would I have known?  Have you heard of safe-ask vs punish-ask culture?”

Be sure to thank everyone regardless of their answer and thank them extra if they share a conversation about their safe-ask vs punish-ask upbringing.

Level 6

Challenge yourself to experiment with saying “no” to a few small things that you normally wouldn’t say “no” to.  Let this be one of your new daily habits.

Before you start, mentally and emotionally prepare to make your “no” not a big deal and make repeating your “no” and standing firm also not a big deal.

Again, “experiment” is a key word and mindset with this challenge.  We can’t fail if we are just experimenting.  If anyone responds with anything other than “okay.  Thanks,” or something goes catastrophically wrong, you probably just bumped into a punish-culture person.  Now you know that about them and you found out with a small request, not a big one.  If you have to get firm with someone, simply remind them, “Hey, I said ‘no, thanks,’ and I don’t have to explain myself.”  For more phrases, see “Step 3: Make The Boundary Known”, and look for the “They crossed the boundary more than once”.

Level 7

Challenge yourself to experiment with asking one friend or loved one a real request today.  This is not a simple thing like a pen or a high-five.  Ask for something that is a tiny step up from a pen or a high-five, or maybe a tiny step up from what you normally ask of this person.  Let this be your new daily habit as we learn to ask for what we want and need while navigating the safe-ask vs punish-ask cultures. 

Follow all the direction in Level 5, starting with, “Before you ask…”