Com101 – Healthy Vs Unhealthy

If we all knew what healthy communication looked like and we all knew the intentions behind it, I’d like to believe we’d all be using it.  Many of us were modeled a mixture of healthy and unhealthy communication behaviors and patterns without even realizing it.  The problem is that sometimes healthy communication doesn’t always get us what we want right away while unhealthy communication often does, but with an unseen cost attached to it.  The cost of unhealthy communication is that we are damaging our connections and relationships.

When two people want the same thing, that’s easy.  I’m not talking about that.  When two people are calm and disagreeing on something neither is passionate about, that’s also easy.  I’m not talking about that either.  In this series, I want to focus on communicating through struggle, triggers, and elevated emotions.

Let’s spell out the difference between healthy communication and unhealthy communication, specifically, when people are at odds and someone’s emotions are high.  I’m just going to call that, communicating during an emotional moment, or communicating through struggle.

In this series, “communication” is a collection of all the actions we take to get what we want, and all actions we use to interpret the other person’s behavior.  These actions and behaviors may be conscious or unconscious.

In this series, “healthy communication” is any communication that adds to the long-term trust and goodwill of the relationship. 

In this series, “unhealthy communication” is any communication that damages the long-term trust and goodwill of the relationship. 

The fundamental nature of healthy communication puts the long-term care of the relationship first, then trusts that things will work themselves out in the end because the relationship is so strong.  Contrast that with unhealthy communication which offers up the relationship itself as tribute, or even a sacrifice, to get what someone wants.

In all communication, people are pushing for what they want.  In healthy communication, what people want is mutual understanding, respect, and love.  In unhealthy communication, what people want is to win or to be right.  With unhealthy communication people may say or do whatever they have to in order to get what they want.  It becomes a question of how far someone is willing to go to win.  People may yell, exaggerate, twist details, withhold information, lie, cheat, and some may even be willing to punish those who oppose them into compliance.

Healthy communication focuses on the relationship first, understanding each other second, and solving the actual conflict last.  Healthy communication may or may not get both parties needs met right now, but it will always strengthen the relationship.  When every conversation increases trust and goodwill, both parties’ needs become ever more likely to be met in the near future.

Unhealthy communication focus on winning first, escalating the conflict until we win second, and the relationship last.  The relationship often becomes an afterthought.  Unhealthy communication may or may not get one party’s needs met.  It rarely gets both parties needs met.  Regardless, the actions that come with the unhealthy communication will damage or destroy the relationship.

Healthy communication focuses on the long-term health of the relationship.  It seeks to build bridges between two people in any weather.  Unhealthy communication seeks to achieve personal gain while fanning a flame that will eventually burn down the bridge between two people.

Abusive Behavior

Unhealthy behaviors can very easily become abusive behaviors.  Abuse is likely present when words, actions, or threats of actions are used to get someone’s needs met at the expense of someone else or by hurting someone else.  Common abusive behaviors would include intimidation, terrorizing, harassment, manipulation, physical harm, humiliation, ostracizing, or any other action that’s meant to hurt someone mentally, physically, emotionally, socially, or financially. 

Abusive behavior can happen during a communication or outside of a communication.  The threat of punishment for not giving someone what they want is abuse.  Someone punishing another person when they don’t get what they want is abuse.  Hurting someone, in any way, in an attempt to “getting even,” is abusive behavior.

Let me pause and clarify.  In this series, “punish” or “punishment,” is retribution for an offense, real or perceived.  When I say “punish,” I do not mean, “correction” of a person’s behavior.  Even then, the need for that correction may be real or perceived.  Retribution and punishment are often not need.  A person’s behavior can often be “corrected” with respect, understanding, gentleness, and love, using healthy communication.  I recommend multiple attempts at using healthy communication be made to resolve another person’s perceived offensive behavior since, odds are, it’s a misunderstanding and it was a perceived offense all along.  With real offenses, loving adults in strong relationships will want to make amends, hence no retribution style punishment is needed.  For people who are not acting like adults, simply walk away.  It’s not our job to “fix” anyone but ourselves.  Let karma correct the other person’s behavior.

In this series, “abusive communication” is any communication that damages the other person in an attempt to get what the abuser wants.  It also damages the relationship. 

I really don’t want to write a series about abuse.  Unfortunately, it is a topic that will come up often while talking about communication when emotions are elevated.  Abusive behavior is currently woven into the fabric of many countries and many religions.  It is present almost everywhere, including in many families and in many schools.  So, for the sake of communicating through emotion, abuse must be considered.

The approach of this series is to identify unhealthy and abusive behaviors, set clear expectations on what is acceptable behavior when interacting with us and then walk away if those expectations are not satisfied.  This is an accomplishment that is easier said than done which is why I’m writing this communication guide.  One of my biggest personal lessons was discovering that sometimes healthy communication is learning when to walk away from unhealthy or abusive situations and people.

I should also warn you that I will not be spending any time giving tips on how to have meaningful conversations with abusive people or healing other people.  Instead, I will focus on tips for how to identify and disengage with people displaying unhealthy and abusive behaviors as soon as possible. 

When it comes to abusive people, it’s not our job to cater to them, fix them, or heal them.  It’s our job to work on strengthening our own communication and healing our own demons.  As someone who has lived through a few abusive relationships, it took me many years to finally receive that gem of knowledge.  Refusing to engage, and walking away, are the most powerful things we can do to protect ourselves.  I know that can be very hard when that abusive behavior is coming from someone you are living with, working with, or in love with. 

If someone in your life is punishing you when they do not get what they want, that is abuse.  You are being abused.  Get away from them.  Ask for help.  Block them.  Call an abuse hotline.  Don’t cater to them.  Don’t try to fix them.  Don’t try to heal them.  That’s their job.  It’s your job to have boundaries, seek a safe space, and focus on healing yourself.

This moment in this text is also a huge opportunity for some readers to have their first breakthrough around their own unconscious programming.  I ask you, in your culture or in your family’s culture, is it expected behavior for a person to attempt to punish someone else when they are upset, hurt, or not getting their way?  Is it acceptable behavior to hurt people on purpose?  Do you punish people from time to time to get what you need?  Do you expect people to punish you if you don’t give them what they are asking for?

If you expect people to punish you when they feel slighted, hurt, or don’t get their way, you are expecting people to act abusively.  You may even be bracing for the abuse or planning on how to maneuver the inevitable abuse when it arrives.  Regardless, it’s still abuse, don’t engage with it.  Again, get yourself safe and focus on your own healing.

Anyone who would attempt to hurt you on purpose doesn’t love you, they just love getting their way.  I lived this a few times over so let me be straight with you.  There was no amount of love, patience, or education I could give any of my abusers to wake them up to their abusive behaviors.  Hurting people to get their way worked so well for them that they built a whole life around the strategy.  If I questioned their behaviors or hinted at one of their behaviors as being abusive, they would find ways to punish me for it.  They were not going to entertain changing their life’s communication strategy because it’s how they win.  From their point of view, not “winning” conflicts is a losing strategy for life.  Why would they do that?

My abusers’ patterns were “working” for them their whole life the same way sacrificing myself to please others had been “working” for me my whole life.  I attracted love and attention by being useful.  I bragged about being an empath and a people pleaser.  I thought these core beliefs created a life where I was able to surround myself with people who “love” me.  Instead, when the veil was finally lifted, I realized my overly empathetic, people pleasing, patterns had surrounded me with people who “love to use” me to “get what they want.” 

In my core, I identified as a people pleasing empath.  I brandished it like a badge of honor.  The idea of changing my core beliefs and patterns was ludicrous.  Why would I risk my life falling apart and losing everyone who loved me?  In the end, healing my people pleasing overly empathic tendencies, only cut out the people who loved to use me to get their way.  If you identify as an empath or a people pleaser or if any of this sounds like you, I promise you, there is a better way.  Again, start by getting yourself safe.  Focus on your own healing.  Absorb and practice the communication strategies in this series.  It’s your job to find better ways to get your needs met without volunteering to let other people hurt you.

On the other side of the abusive communication, if you think it’s okay to hurt people on purpose, to “get even”, or punish people who have “wronged” you, then you may be an abuser or use abusive behaviors to get what you want.  You may or may not know you are doing it.  You may punish people with silence.  You may do it loudly with yelling.  You may hurt people by withholding information, twisting words, or exaggerating circumstances.  You may do it by trying to make people look bad in front of others.  You may punish people with guilt and shame.  You may do it by steamrolling over people who are not agreeing with you.  You may hurt people by playing the victim and then using that point of view to give yourself permission to punish the other person who “deserved it” or “had it coming”.  You may even punish people with righteous indignation by turning the other person into a villain who must be stopped.  If you discover many of these phrases describe your behavior when you are not getting your way, you are hurting the people you love.  Get help.  It’s your job to heal yourself.  It’s your job to find better ways to get your needs met without hurting others.

It really doesn’t matter who is doing it or how they are doing it, hurting people on purpose is not healthy.   The phrase, “hurt people, hurt people,” may tend to be true, but it describes abusive behavior and, worse, it excuses the abusive behavior.  Thankfully, the opposite is also true, “healed people, heal people.”  Whether it’s a couple unhealthy behaviors here and there or actual daily abuse, break the cycle.  Put down the generational baggage.  Learn to get your needs met with healthy communication.  Read on, I’ll show you how.