Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Here is the Table of Contents for Communication 101 series.
What better way to follow our previous article, “A Genuine Apology,” than with an article on how to make things right. Apologies are not the only time we communicate to make things right, however. Any stressful, urgent, emotional, or difficult situation might call for a need to make things right. This is because someone’s, or everyone’s, needs are being met. For example, we might have a friend or coworker approach us with a situation that has nothing to do with us.
The difference is that with an apology we are learning about our own contribution to the situation, expressing ownership, and expressing our remorse before any attempt to make things right. Ownership and remorse are two things our ego tries to resist doing at all costs. When we are just having a conversation to make things right with someone, it might have nothing to do with us so remorse, ownership, and our ego, may never come into play. The lack of our ego’s involvement is why listening to and talking though a friend’s completely separate struggle is often much easier than listening to a friend’s struggle in relation to us.
This article is going to take a deep dive into the steps involved with making things right for both apologize and when outside the situation. We’re going to gloss over “holding space through to completion” because we’ve already talked about that in great length in previous article such as, “Holding Space with a Mic,” and “What to Share and Why”.
Here is the flow of our how to make things right conversation:
- Always start with hold space through to completion. We always hold space first. We take a walk in their shoes using active listening, clarifying questions, and statements that demonstrate what we’ve heard so far. When we’ve walked in their shoes long enough, we will be able to understand and validate their point of view, their experience, and their emotions. We do this until they verify that we got it right, we heard them, and they are complete.
- Recap, acknowledge, and accept everything so far. “This is what’s happened, it sucks, but we’re all in it together. It is what is it is.”
- Recognize everyone’s needs. We take a moment to find out what everyone’s unmet needs are. “Don’t tell us what you don’t need, tell us what you do need.” Then, “can we all agree that we all have needs and we all want everyone’s needs to get met?”
- Regain our individual power. We recognize that no one is obligated to do anything, and we are solely responsible for getting our own needs met in healthy ways.
- Curiously abundant ideas? We shift our mind into a perspective of being curious and abundant about possible solutions that benefit everyone.
- Next steps? We get into the logistics, coordination, and negotiations involved with making things right. We also consider future follow up.
- Always end with gratefulness. This is one of the things that keeps our safe-ask culture alive and our lines of communication open.
The super short version? Hold space, recap the situation, then say, “this is the situation. It sucks, but we’re all in it together. It is what it is. What do you need? Can we all agree that we all have needs and we all want everyone’s needs to get met? How would you get your needs met if no one was around to help? Okay, let’s start there. Now, what can we do together to get everyone’s needs met in better ways? Okay, what are our next steps and how are we going to follow up with each other on those steps? Wow. Thanks everyone, this was amazing. You are amazing.”
In this article, we’re going to focus on steps 2 through 7. I’m also going to sum up most of those steps with a game I like to call, “everyone wins or no deal.”
Acknowledge and Accept the situation as is
Let’s say we just held space and now everything is out in the open. Maybe it’s a disaster, a surprise, or simply no big deal. Either way we recap and acknowledge it. Then we accept it openly with the phrase, “it is what it is.”
I learned this phrase from a friend who was an art director at the time. It was his job to handle random problems on his team as well as between other departments and his team. He would often tell me the latest ridiculous stories from his week over a beer. He had all kinds of struggles walk through his door, panicked people, angry people, crying people, and even people threatening to quit on the spot.
All his stories had the same three beats. 1. He held space for them to understand the situation. He was great at staying judgement free while he did this. That would almost always calm them down. 2. There would be a turning point where he would shrug and say, “yup, this situation sucks. Unfortunately, it is what it is. So, what do you need and what can we do next?” 3. Then they would do something or nothing.
This phrase, “it is what it is,” seems like magic, but it only works when it comes after holding space, giving a solid recap, and acknowledging the situation. “Yup. This is the situation. It sucks and we’re all in it together.” Only after that can we say, “it is what it is,” to openly accept that the situation is not going to change itself and no one is going to come rescue us. We are going to have to bend or do something different. How? By asking what everyone’s needs are, “what do you need and what can we do next?”
Here’s an example. “(Holding space.) What I’m hearing you say is, your house was ripped to pieces by a tornado, and your cat is missing. (Walking in their shoes and validating their experience and emotions.) Wow. No wonder you’re distraught. That sounds devastating and heart breaking. (Checking in, is holding space done?) Is that the whole thing? Are you complete with this share?” When they are complete, “(Recap and Acknowledge.) Okay. Your life’s been destroyed or swept away. This situation is terrible. It’s downright a disaster. Now here we are, in the middle of this disaster. (Accept it.) It is what it is. (Needs.) What do you need? (Personal power.) How would you get these needs met if no one was around to help? (Ideas and Next steps?) What can we do next? Thank you for your honesty. Thank you for trusting me with this.”
It is amazing how often the other person is simply “complete” and doesn’t need anything further. They just needed to be heard without judgement and now that need has been fulfilled. Surprisingly, they might say, “okay, I’m good. Thanks for listening,” and they walk away. Sometimes, all we need is to tell someone about our worries so we can stop worrying about it. Holding space lets us simply get it all out; get all the emotion out. When it’s clear that our words have been received correctly and the other person actually gets that, “the situation sucks”, a big sigh of relief washes over us. Our emotions settle. We find ourselves becoming calm again. The secondary emotion of feeling heard is amazing. It’s a form of connection and intimacy.
After feeling heard, someone might literally say, “okay, I’m good. There’s nothing you or I can do about it today. It sucks, but it is what it is. Thanks for listening.” There is acceptance. We surrender to what is as we realize, “we might not have to fight this. Instead, we can bend.”
Another situation where we might agree to do nothing is when we agree to disagree. Again, it still helps to first recognize, “it is what it is.” For example, “(Recap and acknowledge.) Okay, it sounds like we both disagree on this and we both have no intention of changing our minds. Good to know. I’m glad we got that out in the open. (Accept it.) Well, it is what it is. We disagree and we’re not going to change our minds. (Needs.) Aside from that, what do you need? (Personal Power.) Can you handle this without me? (Ideas?) What can we do next? (Next steps?) Should we agree to disagree and get back to being friends? Should we agree to disagree and just not discuss this topic with each other? (Gratitude.) Well, thank you for having this chat with me. Thank you for your honesty and your patience.”
There’s a freeing moment where we realize we don’t agree and that’s okay. We don’t agree and we don’t have to fight to change each other’s minds anymore. In fact, a great boundary phrase is, “timeout. I’m not interested in changing my mind at this time. If I do want to discuss this in the future, I’ll let you know.” We can also do that in reverse as a check-in, “timeout. I’m not trying to change your mind. I’m just saying we have different opinions and that’s okay.”
After acknowledging and accepting the situations, if we do realize there is more to do with this conversation, we can move on to getting everyone’s individual needs out in the open.
Recognizing Everyone’s Human Needs
Everyone has the same human need to survive and hopefully thrive. We have a list of those needs in Burbol’s Hierarchy of Happiness from the article, “Signals Are Unmet Needs”. Here is that chart again:
Recognizing aloud that everyone has human needs, and everyone deserves to have their needs met, can do wonders for calming a situation down. Many times, this is at the core of our disagreements and misunderstandings, people have needs that are not being met, they are trying to get those needs met, and it’s just not working or no one is listening. Then things escalate due to human emotions and human ego.
Things escalate when it appears no one cares about our needs. Things escalate when it appears our needs are going to continue to not be met. Things escalate when someone else is getting extra focus for getting their needs met while we are denied the same curtesy.
Pause and start from, “okay, we all have some needs that are not being met and we all want to see everyone’s get their needs met. Can we agree on that?”
Go around and get everyone’s unmet needs out in the open using the hierarchy of happiness. (There is a more detailed breakdown of the needs in each category in the article, “Signals Are Unmet Needs.”) We are not talking about solutions right now and we remind people of that intention. Avoid letting people go on and on about what they don’t need. That is negative, sounds like blaming, and goes nowhere productive. If someone does say what they don’t need, gently lead them back to the focus. “Okay, I hear what you don’t need. Can you tell me what you do need? Can we all focus on that?”
With everyone’s needs very simply spoken, it often helps to summarize everyone’s needs and then recognize, “it’s my responsibility to get my needs met without hurting or obligating others. I would appreciate any help you might be willing to offer though.”
For example, here is a recap of everyone’s needs and a declaration of individual power. “John’s needs recognition for his work both now and in the future. Jenny needs to be able to eat when she’s hungry. Bill needs to regain his time and autonomy. Let’s also recognize that it’s our own responsibility to get our own needs met without hurting or obligating others. We are all free to go get our needs met elsewhere. No one is obligated to help anyone. Any offers to help each other would be just that, offers.”
Each Individual Reclaims Their Power
After the recap of everyone’s needs and a declaration that we are each individually responsible for getting our own needs met, many times, the solutions will reveal themselves. Just getting everyone’s needs out in the open and everyone recognizing how it’s no one else’s job to fulfill their unmet needs can be a huge mental shift that unlocks all the, now obvious, solutions.
For example, if Jenny has a need for food because she’s hungry, she gets to meet that need in any respectful way she chooses. She gets to choose her actions. She does not get to choose someone else’s actions. She doesn’t get to demand that it’s Bill’s job to cook for her without Bill’s clearly expressed agreement. Even if Jenny and Bill had a preexisting agreement around Bill cooking for her, Bill is free to say, “this agreement is not working for me. If we can’t find a solution that works for both of us, I’m going to have to withdraw the offer.” Notice Bill’s wording here, “a solution that works for both of us,” and “withdraw the offer.” He is making it clear that he’s looking for something that works for everyone, or he will say, “no deal.” In fact, he can just say, “everyone wins or no deal.” He’s made it clear that his participation in the current agreement is an offer and not an obligation while also advocating for the other person’s beneficial outcome. (We will explore this more in the game “everyone wins or no deal” in one of the upcoming sections.)
Sometimes people will insist that there was a prior agreement which creates an obligation. They use words like, “but you promised.” This might have been true in the past. By this point, the other person should have already given a genuine apology on the impact of that broken agreement. However, things are clearly not working for everyone, and it is what it is. Now is the time to recognize, “what we have been doing isn’t working. What we’ve been doing has created a misunderstanding and pain.” Then we can begin to take steps towards finding something that works for everyone, or decide to withdraw our offers and get our needs met elsewhere while wishing everyone here the best.
It’s important that no one is withholding an offer out of spite or revenge. Lets not stay in relationships with people who do that to others and lets not allow our ego to turn us into the type of person who would purposely do harm to others. Instead, have the group callout offers and agreements that are not benefiting everyone, and dissolve them in favor of finding better arrangements. These will be the intentions behind the game, “everyone wins or no deal,” in a future section in this article.
Again, “anyone can walk away at any time. The only thing keeping you here is your choice to be here and seek a solution that benefits everyone.” That’s a lot of carefully chosen words and carefully crafted intentions. Recognizing everyone is free to walk away can be a wonderful moment of no obligations or expectations on anyone. It is made very clear who wants to work together and who wants to get their needs met elsewhere.
It’s also a great thing to remind everyone that the solution might be outside the people currently in this discussion. Are we even the right ones to help each other fulfill these specific needs? For example, Jim may offer to fix Beccy’s car, only to realize, this is beyond his level of experience. Beccy may be upset that Jim said he could fix the car and now he can, but it is what it is. Beccy needs her car fixed and Jim can’t do it. So, they each ask themselves, “what do I need and what can I do next?” Sadly, Jim needs to move on from this project and can’t offer any more time or energy. Beccy needs to be able to get to work every day and her car getting fixed is a roadblock for that need. Beccy can get her own needs met by finding a ride, taking a bus, or calling a cab. She has the power to get to work without the car, at least for a while. Next, with Jim’s offer off the table, Beccy realizes she can look online for a mechanic, ask her circle of friends if anyone knows a good mechanic, or ask if one of them can fix her car. Jim can offer to ask his friend circle these same questions and pass on Beccy’s number, if she wants. Beccy can decline the offer with no penalty or punishment because it’s a genuine offer, not a demand.
If there is not an obvious solution, a powerful step is to take a moment to have everyone ask themselves, “How would I get this need met if no one else was around to help me?” For example, all the other people in the conversation are vacationing on Mars for a few months and can’t be contacted. If we each take everyone else out of our own personal equation, what would we do about this situation? How would we go out and get our needs met? It is often surprising to find out that it’s not really that big of a deal. We were just stuck on the idea of getting our needs met by these specific people.
It can be powerful, and freeing, to speak aloud what we would do if we were to go out and get our needs met on our own. It can also be freeing for the other people involved to have all that obligation lifted off their shoulders. When everyone looks around and acknowledges how we each can, in fact, do this alone, we recognize ourselves and each other as being powerful.
The group frees each other, and everyone has a solution to start with. This “everyone handles their stuff separately” solution is probably not ideal, but it’s a possibility. It’s a start. If everyone walked away from each other right now, everyone would have a way to go get their needs me. From there, people can begin to brainstorm and make offers to help each other with better solutions provided they have the spoons and the bandwidth to do so.
This type of perspective shift will turn someone’s offer to lend us 15 minutes of their time from being seen as stingy to, “I can handle this myself, but if you want to offer fifteen minutes of help, that would be a bonus! Thank you! Thank you for your time!”
“How would I get my needs met if no one else was around to help me?” This question is great for breaking out of solutions that create dependency and obligation on others. It’s great for recovering our individual power and releasing our expectations of others. Even our interdependence needs don’t have to be met by the exact people in the current conversation. Once we recognize this, our mindset moves from thinking “solutions are scarce” to a place where solutions are abundant and everywhere. We stop being attached to that one specific outcome in favor of a vast number of possibilities.
This mind shift all boils down to the powerful question, “How would I get my needs met if no one else was around to help me?”
Exploring Curiously Abundant Solutions
Curious questions are a great way to knock our mind out of thinking small, getting stuck on one specific outcome, and defensive posturing, in favor of seeing a world full of abundant possibilities. Curious abundance is what we are looking for and the right questions help us make that shift. Our brain is always thinking and processing so why not give it something constructive to focus on? Rather than letting our brain spin on how something “can’t be done”, why not ask ourselves, “how can it be done?”
The practice of asking the right questions that consistently nudge everyone’s brains out of unproductive thinking and shifts them in to into place of abundant possibilities is the key to becoming unstoppable. Here are a few of those types of empowering questions.
“How can I?” and “How can it be done?” These questions will shift people’s minds out of “can’t” and into “can.” Those negative statements are self-fulfilling prophecies. Remember, everyone’s ego wants to “be right” at all times. If someone’s brain decides we can’t do it or it can’t be done, our ego is going to treat that like a fact and then do everything it can to “be right” about this “fact”. This was one of the key topics of the article, “Stories Become Our Reality.” Another great mind shift here is to realize aloud, “obviously it can be done because people all over the world are doing it every day. How do they do it? Knowing people have already done this, how can I get this need met too?”
“What if”; “what if it already was?”; and “what would it look like if…?” Every roadblock and dead end can be turned into a “what if” question. “What if we did have the time, money, energy, resources, etc.? What if we already had the missing piece?” When someone says, “I don’t know how,” ask them, “but what would it look like if you did?” Sometimes we’re stuck on one piece of the puzzle, and we just can’t look away, but what if we could? What if this part just worked? What if we can just skip it and go to the next piece instead? What if the thing that is holding us up simply wasn’t? This leads us to the next great question.
“What would it look like if it were easy?” This question pops people out of looking for all the hard ways of doing things or being convinced the only path is a difficult path full of time-consuming work. What would be easy? Who would this be easy for? What tools would make this easy? If we could pull a big lever labeled “easy,” what would it do? Again, if billions of people do this every day, what are they doing? What would it look like if it were easy?
“What if we changed our surroundings?” Would it be easier if we changed our location? Are we simply standing in the wrong room? Baking a cake in the bathroom seems as hard as showing in the kitchen. What would it look like if it were easy to bake or easy to shower?
“Who would this be easy for?” Sometimes we’re unconsciously considering all the hard paths because we simply lack a skill. We are attaching obligations to a specific person because they have the skills and we “need them” to do something for us. No. We don’t need a specific human; we need a specific type of human. There are literally billions of humans out there who have the skills and who want to help us get our needs met. Is that type of human even present right now? Let’s find that type of person or let’s follow their lead and take some of the same steps they would take.
“Great, we have another possibility. What if we set this one down for just a second and ask ourselves, ‘what else? What’s another way?’” Sometimes we’re on the right path of curious abundance but the solution we don’t know we’re looking for is two steps further down the road. Set the current solution down on the path long enough to take another step towards the one that will work for everyone in the end. We can always come back to this one and pick it back up again.
“Can we do it in reverse?” When we’re stuck on one specific step in the solution, this opens doors from the other side. “What if it were easier to do it in reverse?” I’ve seen this question redirection entire teams of people. For example, a department could be banging their heads together saying, “how on earth are we going to build a battery capable of running the engine we’re build from scratch?” and then shift to, “wait, what if the battery was already built? Instead of spending all this money on building our own, what if we just buy a battery or license the technology? How much time and money would that save us?”
Asking all these questions and doing all this curious brainstorming will eventually lead to solutions or at least a good direction. The next step will be logistical questions, details, coordination, and that big scary word, “negotiation.” Let’s do some mind shifting magic on the word “negotiation.”
Negotiation & Coordination
Negotiation is incredibly simple when viewed through the lens of “everyone wins”. Many of us might think about negotiation as something a car salesperson does to “trick us” into buying an overpriced car that we don’t need. Our mind may fall into thinking it’s us verses the salesperson as we take a defensive stance to actively try to “not get screwed.” This is win-lose or lose-win point of view that leads to that same style of thinking, action, and results. Remember, (from the article, “Identifying who we’re talking to”) if anyone loses then we are flirting with outcomes where everyone loses. Lets not play that game and lets not play with those types of people. Lets play a totally different game of “everyone wins or no deal”. This works with A, B, C, and D caliber people (also from the article, “Identifying who we’re talking to”). Of course, communication always works best with A caliber people.
The game is simple and to introduce it we can simply ask, “How about we play a game of everyone wins or no deal?”
The Game: Everyone Wins or No Deal
There are 4 rules.
- Rule 1: Everyone wins or no deal.
- Rule 2: Everyone answers the question: “What if everyone here was in another country and totally unreachable for a few months, how would you be get your needs met today?”
- Rule 3: Offers only. No threats. All offers can be declined freely with no penalty. Threats are “no deal” because they are not an “everyone wins” outcome.
- Rule 4: If anyone declines an offer, they must say, “Thanks for the offer. That doesn’t work for me. What would work for me might be something like…’ and then they say something new that would actually work for them.
It would be really wonderful if the other people involved each bought-in on this game. When everyone actually wants to play this way, real synergy emerges quickly. If someone doesn’t want to play the game, then they don’t have to. They can opt-out of the offer to play with no penalty from us. It just means they picked “no deal.”
On our side, we are not upset by people who decline the offer because we already asked ourselves the question in rule 2. We already know we can get our needs met, regardless of other people’s involvement. Earlier in this article, we already found an “everyone wins” outcome when we all asked ourselves what we would do if no one else was around. Rule 2 means we all start this game as winners and now we are trying to solve the puzzle of creating an even better outcome for everyone.
Rule 3 and 4 are etiquette agreements that increase our chances of hearing each other’s words and consistently taking productive steps forward. Rule 3 sets a safe space and declares a safe-ask culture. (See the article on “Safe Space Culture” for a refresher on safe-ask culture.)
Rule 4 is one of the most simple and effective negotiation tips I’ve ever learned. When saying a “no,” immediately follow it with something you are a “yes” to, then negotiating doesn’t feel like negotiating because no one is passively stonewalling and shooting down everything the other person is saying. It goes from a tug of war full of “I want, I want,” to a menu full of offerings that we need only pick a suitable selection from. Rule 4 also has some added language to constantly remind everyone about how we are all only using offers and offers can be declined freely without penalty.
Rule 4 reminds me of a wonderful moment in the movie, “Pirates of the Caribbean,” where the pirate Captain Jack Sparrow, played by Johnny Depp, says, “the only rules that really matter are these: what a man can do and what a man can’t do.” Rule 4 is a focus on what we can do rather than getting lost in all the things we can’t do.
“What would work for you?” This is a gentle way to enforce rule 4. As we realize many ideas and solutions don’t work for everyone, the group can get lost in trying to suggest solution after solution with one person who has take on the role of shooting down every idea. Devil’s advocates and negative Nancys are not welcome in a game of “everyone wins or no deal.” Shift out of that by saying, “okay, it sounds like this won’t work for you. I hear you. Can you tell me what would work for you?” That’s a little active listening and a redirecting question. From here, we let them tell the group rather than the group trying to read their mind. This can also be great when combine with questions from the last section. For example, “What if we did have the resources, what would work for you?”
One of the keywords in rule 4 is the word “new.” When declining an offer, we say something new that would actually work for us. Repeating the same request over and over again is not productive and is a “no deal.” If this happens, try saying, “okay, it sounds like none of my offers will work for you. I hear you. The request/offer you keep repeating doesn’t work for me. It sounds like we’ve landed on ‘no deal,’ unless you’d like to suggest something different.” Remember, we don’t have to engage with difficult people. We have boundaries. If they don’t want to work with use for everyone’s benefit, we can simply declare “no deal,” wish them the best and then go find someone who wants to help us get our need met.
What I love about the “everyone wins or no deal” game is, from this moment forward, everyone has been empowered to enforce any of the rules. Anyone can say, “everyone wins or no deal,” at any moment. Now everyone gets to gently, yet firmly, assert the same boundaries and intentions.
Underneath the hood, this game is actually just a series of boundaries being spoken in a fun way. That means we can start playing the game without anyone else knowing we’re playing it. This comes in very handy when we are faced with a manipulative or aggressive person who is trying to push us into negotiating their way. Without even alerting them to the game, we can introduce them to the rules one at a time by stating them as the boundaries they actually are.
For example, lets say someone wants something from us and they are making demands. We respond with any of the game’s 4 rules. We start with the one that makes the most sense in that moment. Then we become like a broken record that has an assortment of phrases which enforce that boundary. We don’t introduce another rule until they are respecting the boundaries we’ve shared so far. We might say, “timeout. I’d like to work with you on this. Just to let you know, I have a personal rule, either everyone wins or no deal. Everyone wins, or I’m not having this conversation.” If they respond with a threat, give them rule 3 as a boundary, “No deal. Threats are not an ‘everyone wins’ solution. I only participate in ‘everyone wins’ outcomes.” We can’t collaborate with them until they choose to collaborate with us. Until then, we make not attempt to collaborate because it would go nowhere.
As long as they continue to not play nicely, we continue to be a broken record of assorted boundary phrases. We don’t rush to introduce more rules, rather we repeat the rules introduced so far with slight variations to the wording, “I don’t work with people who make threats,” “everyone wins or no deal,” “threats are not an ‘everyone wins’ solution,” and “okay, no deal. I’m walking away now.” We do not stand there and let a difficult person continue to be difficult. We inform them of a specific boundary. We repeat the boundary 3 to 5 times using variations on the wording. Then we warn them that we will end this conversation if they can’t respect our boundary. Finally, we say “no deal. I’m walking away now,” and we walk away.
When they agree to start respecting our “everyone wins or no deal” boundary, we can start working with them. The first thing we do is ask them rule 2 with genuine curiosity. “Let me start by asking you this, if everyone here was in another country and totally unreachable for a few months, how would you be getting this need met today?” This is to get them to see their own power over the situation while also recognizing how our involvement in the situation is a luxury for them and not an obligation for us.
Of course, they may not be excited about the question, however, we can become a broken record on that too. We can also walk them through the scenario slowly. “Hold on. I can’t help you until I understand your situation and your options. Imagine for a moment. I’m just in another country, what would you be doing about this without me?” We can stay with them and encourage them if they default to “woe is me” style helpless answers. “Are you saying you’d be helpless without me? I don’t believe that. You seem powerful and capable to me.” Once they’ve answered the question from rule 2, we can call out their power. “Awesome! That solution is not ideal, but it’s a start. You can handle this without me. Now, lets see if we can collaborate on finding a better solution that works for everyone.”
Next, we introduce rule 4. We may have already been saying the phrase from rule 4 this whole time, but now we can make it a collaborative effort. “How about we take turns making suggestions and if a suggestion doesn’t work, we respond with something new or different that might actually work instead of just shooting each other’s ideas down over and over again?”
We can walk difficult people through our boundaries one at a time until we either have an everyone-wins solution, they walk away, or we declare “no deal” and we walk away. The whole time, if we are in the mindset of playing a game to see how everyone can win, we won’t allow ourselves to get sucked into an argument or any salesperson style negotiation. While they are being hostile or emotional, we get to calmly play our game of “everyone wins or no deal.”
In many situations, rule 4 and a little active listening is often all we need. When we are interacting with a person who is making a request from us, rule 4 will often just handle the situation without even telling the other person about the rule. “Okay, I hear your request for (whatever they just requested). That’s not going to work for me, but you know what will work for me? (Offer something new that could work.)” With rule 4 alone, we can easily defend our time and our energy as we work together to find a solution that benefits everyone. If they don’t follow our lead, we can make a clear request for everyone to use rule 4. This might lead to introducing the other rules one by one.
Regardless of introducing the game upfront or one rule at a time, here are some great questions to keep everyone on track while negotiating and coordinating together.
“What if we don’t have to benefit everyone today or at the same time?” Sometimes we simply can’t do both things at once. Sometimes we can’t go on that business trip and make it to little Timmy’s baseball game because both are on the same day. What if we take Timmy to the batting cage a few days before the game so he knows we’re rooting for him? Will something like that meet Timmy’s need for love and support even when we are out of town during the game?
“What if we flipped a coin?” I’m blown away by how many “problems” I’ve seen get solved with this question. In half the cases, peoples’ minds seem to jump right to the final solution the moment the coin flip is suggested. On the other hand, many people realize the detail being discussed is not that big of a deal and it petting to just pick something and be done than be at a standstill. Sometimes people realize we’re talking about picking between two similar paths to the same place when we could stop talking and start walking. Sometimes we’re so caught up in whose way is “more right” that we just need to stop talking about it and do something. It’s a realization of, “we can spend another 2 hours talking about it, or we can just spend 5 minutes and be done already.”
“What if we take turns?” Everything about the coin flip also applies here. Sometimes a solution doesn’t happen all at the same time. “Both of our needs are valid. How about we do your thing today and my thing tomorrow?” We can also agree to flip a coin today and then start taking turns from there.
As a final step for negotiations and coordination, ask, “does this benefit everyone?” This is a check-in with ourselves and the group to make sure we didn’t just get all wrapped up in inventing a win-lose solution on the banner of “everyone wins”. This takes us back to our underlining commitments to be a great communicator who doesn’t settle for solutions that don’t benefit everyone.
What About Follow Up?
When negotiations and coordination are wrapping up, ask everyone, “how do we all intend to follow up on the completion of these action items?” If we walked away without setting intentions around following up with each other, there is a chance many things could fall through the cracks.
There is a saying, “The fortune is in the follow up.” Most people don’t know how to follow up, don’t perform the action of following up, or are actually afraid to follow up. (That’s me. I’m “most people.” It’s because I was raised in a punish-ask culture.) As part of wrapping up and recapping action items, create a clear safe-ask way for everyone to ask about and communicate progress. For example, “Can we all agree to drop a message in our group chat by noon every day with the status of our personal action items until everyone’s items are complete? If we forget to do it, can the first person who remembers send a message that says, ‘hey everyone. How about that noon update?”
When everyone is in agreement about how to follow up, do a round of gratitude. Always end with gratitude. That’s one of the things that keeps our safe-ask culture safe. Thank everyone for playing the game all the way through to “everyone wins” or “no deal”. Now everyone can start taking action to get their needs met regardless.
Every time the follow up steps reveal that someone has finished an action item, be sure to thank them. When we do this, we transform the follow up from a nagging, “are you done yet? Are you done yet? Are you done yet,” to, “I can’t wait to show everyone what I just finished!”
Transform your life with healthy communication tools by simply sharing this with someone you love or posting a link on social media. Get your friends talking about this and watch your life transform! You got this! ~Danny
Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
What next?
Next article in this series: Com101 – Ask For What You Want
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