Com101 – Overview & Example

This series is a carefully curated list of tools that all come together in a specific order. It’s a roadmap with specifically ordered steps to bring you from struggling with a loved one to thriving with them.

When I say it’s a carefully curated list of tools, I mean I have been swimming through resources and material for years trying different things until I found the things that worked for me. Sir Isaac Newton famously said, “If I have seen further, it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.” This is the case for me as well. Look for the Recommend Sources article in this series for details.

Tips, tools and technics are great, but I found myself frustrated many times on my journey. I’ve held books in my hands and begged them, “just tell me what to say so I can say it!” When I tell you this series is a roadmap with specifically ordered steps, I mean it. I’m the kind of person who needs clear instruction. I need a clearly drawn-out flow from beginning to end. I need to know what to do or say when things are not going well. Thankfully, while making cold calls for an investment business, I discovered a thing call scripts.

In the worlds of sales, marketing, and tech support, it’s common for companies hand people scripts to make sure conversations go as ideally as possible. Scripts are not an instant victory however. Putting a new person with a script on a call where the fate of the company was at stake would be a disaster. This is because humans make mistakes while they are learning. In fact, humans must make mistakes, it’s part of the learning process.

So, companies train people to use their scripts. They train people to understand the intentions behind these scripts so new employees can learn where variations will strengthen or weekend the conversation. Then they practice saying the scripts with each other in low-risk environments.

After working with a script for a few weeks or months some people will master it. They reach a point where they are no longer reciting words from a script. They understand all the intentions behind it, they know the flow of the conversation, and the right words just seem to fall out of their mouths. They embody what the scripts were facilitating and now they are simply having a conversation. At this point, they don’t even need the script to do their job anymore.

This series is going to give you all the scripts and all the intentions behind those scripts. Then I’m going to encourage you to go practice in low-risk environments. You will stumble but it will be in safe spaces. You must stumble as you learn to walk, but running will be your true reward.

Here are the high-level steps of the type of conversation this series will walk you through.

1. Create a safe container to have a conversation in.
2. Take turns holding space for each other until both people have agreed the other person understands them.
3. Agree to either do nothing or try something new.

Of course, each step is made up of a lot more details which I will discuss in later articles. In the end, everything should boil down to:

1. Safe
2. Understand
3. Agree

Next, here is an ideal example of what communicating through a conflict while embodying these steps can look like. To set the stage, these two people are well versed at the style of communication in this series. They are going to talk through a triggering event without yelling or blaming each other. This will sound very unrealistic to you if you didn’t have healthy communication models growing up. Rather than scoff at how unrealistic it sounds, I invite you to imagine how easy your life will be when you and your loved ones are well versed in this style of communication.

Amy: I’m struggling.  Is now a good time to talk?  Can we take turns holding space for each other? 

Bill: Yeah, sure.  I can hold space for you.  I have about 30 minutes.

Amy: Thank you.  I’m sad, frustrated, and a little scared.  I’m frustrated, like a two out of ten and I’m scared like a seven out of ten. 

Bill: I’m hearing that you are sad, frustrated at a two, and scared at a seven.  Seven at of ten sound like more than a “little scared”.  Am I hearing you right?

Amy: Yes.  Thank you for hearing me.  I’m scared like a seven.

Bill: Okay.  That sounds like a lot of emotion.  Is now a good time for you to be sharing this?  Should we just stop now and talk about this later?

Amy: No, no.  I’m good to talk now.  Thanks for checking in.  Okay, here goes.  I saw on social media that you and a lot of my friends went out last night and I don’t recall ever seeing an invite.  My abandonment trigger and my “am I a burden” trigger are going wild right now.  I’m afraid everyone excluded me on purpose like I did something wrong.

Bill: If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re sad, frustrated and scared right now because you saw we all went out last night without you.  And now your abandonment and “am I a burden” triggers have been activated.

Amy: Yes, and just to clarify, I didn’t get any kind of invite and that’s a big part of it.

Bill: You didn’t get an invite and that’s a big part of why you are afraid we excluded you on purpose or you did something wrong and your abandonment and burden triggers have been activated.

Amy: Yes. I know all of you are allowed to do whatever you want without me.  Just right now, I don’t feel loved or wanted and I need to feel loved and wanted.

Bill: So, you know we can do whatever we want without inviting you and you are also feeling a need to be loved and wanted right now.

Amy: Yes. 

Bill: Is that the whole message?

Amy: Yes.  That’s the whole message.

Bill: That sounds like a lot all at once.  I can definitely understand why you would feel sad, frustrated, and scared after not being invited.

Amy: Yeah.

Bill: And I can see how your need to feel loved and wanted are crying out in this moment.  That sounds hard.

Amy: Yeah. *big sigh*

Bill: Are you complete?

Amy: Yeah, I’m complete.  Thank you for listening. 

Bill: Before I take my turn, how can I love and support you right now?

Amy: Right now?  Can I have a hug and can you tell me why you enjoy having me around even if I’m not invited to everything that happens?

Bill: Of course.  *hugs*  I love you and I love your company.  I love your energy.  I love your humor.  And I love your thoughtfulness.

Amy: Thanks.

Bill: Where are your emotions at?  Can you hold space for me now?

Amy: I’m down to about a two.  Yeah, I can hold space for you now.

Bill: Right now, I feel really sad.  We didn’t send you an invite because we knew you had work on Tuesday and Thursday nights.  We didn’t want to rub it in your face.

Amy: You’re really sad.  You never meant to hurt me.  You didn’t want to rub it in my face while I was at work so you didn’t send me the invite.

Bill: Yeah.  I’m sorry.

Amy: I hear that you’re sorry. 

Bill: That’s the whole message. 

Amy: So you’re sad.  You thought I was working and didn’t want to rub it in my face that all of you were out together and your sorry.

Bill: Yes.  Thank you for hearing me.  And also, whether we send you an invite or not, we’re still talking about the invite and considering you.

Amy: So that wasn’t the whole message.  You also want to say that you all are still talking about whether or not to send me ain invite and you’re considering me.

Bill: Yes.  Thank you.  That’s the whole message this time.

Amy: Okay. So it sounds like you feel sad right now.  You all didn’t send me the invite because you knew I was working and didn’t want to make me feel bad, but you all did and do consider me.

Bill: Yes.

Amy: Okay, I can see how you’d feel sad about it right now since you were trying to consider my feelings and I ended up telling you I was hurt in the end.  That sounds hard.  You were maybe between a rock and hard place.

Bill: Yes.  Thank you for hearing me.

Amy: You’re welcome.  Thank you for hearing me too.

Bill: Do you want to talk about experimenting with something different in the future or do you feel complete with understanding each other?

Amy: Well, I know I need to work on not being triggered around these topics.  Also, yeah, maybe we can try something different.

Bill: Would you like us to invite you even when we know you can’t come or not?  Will that trigger you?

Amy: It’s my job to navigate my triggers and heal them.  Whether I get invited or not, I’m going to get triggered.  I need more practice on that.  Yes, please invite me.  I will know you’re not doing it to rub it in my face.  I remind myself you all are offering to make me feel welcome.  So, I’ll decline the invite, but I’ll be rooting for all of you to have a good time.  I need practice facing my fear of missing out.  This seems like a good thing to practice on.  When I decline, can you throw in a “you will be missed” as a response?

Bill: Yes, of course.  So, as a new experiment, I’ll start adding you to the invite regardless and I’ll give you a response like “you will be missed” when you can’t join us.

Amy: Yes.  That sounds great.  Thanks, and thanks for hearing me.

Bill: Thanks for sharing it all so calmly.

Amy: Thanks for holding a safe space for me.  When I feel like you are going to receive me gently and actually heard me, I’m more likely to be able to share calmly.

I wouldn’t be surprised if many people scoff at that dialog as being completely ridiculous.  I know I would have found it ridiculous five or ten years ago.  I want to reiterate that the characters in the previous conversation have been practicing the communication skills we’ll be sharing in this book, so there is a lot of little details that happened in that conversation that are very easily missed.

Here is a quick overview of the things that made that exchange work.  Each of these items will be discussed in greater detail in the pages to come.

First of all, there is a mountain of bad habits and things that simply don’t work which both Amy and Bill have intentionally left out of the conversation.  A big part of communicating in healthy ways when in conflict or when struggling with emotions is not doing all the things that don’t work.  Unfortunately, many of those things are human nature and have been modeled to us all our lives.

From there, they created a safe space to have the conversation in.  They make sure they both have the time and the energy for the conversation.  They make sure neither of them are worked up emotionally and that they both are able to have the conversation gently. 

Amy states exactly the kind of communication she’s looking for, “Can we take turns holding space for each other?”  Before they even start, Bill knows Amy doesn’t want an argument, she wants him to hold space for her and she’s willing to do the same in return.

The whole conversation starts on the right foot.  They both have the time and the energy.  They are both calm enough to talk.  The talk is going to take place within a predefine and agreed on safe space.  Finally, the chat is going to specifically be them taking turns holding space.

From there, Amy is sending a message to Bill and Bill’s only job is to demonstrate he received it correctly.  Bill follows through on this.  Bill does not response to her, interrupt her, insert his side, defend himself, or anything else.  Amy’s message is also carefully worded.  She purposely trying to express her feelings without blaming anyone for why she feel a certain way.  She is communicating the intensity of her feelings.  She is describing the event that her emotions are swirling around without blaming anyone.  She clearly calls out her triggers and takes responsibility for them rather than expecting everyone else to change or bend for her comfort.  She also clearly calls out what she needs in this moment without placing any demands or obligations on Bill.  She needs to feel loved and wanted.

They both take moments to ask for and give clarity while not changing the subject.  They verify the whole message was sent and received.  Bill validates her feelings and her needs without trying to fix or problem solve.  Bill has been going out of his way to just understand her.

They verify she is complete, and Bill uses a beautiful phrase, “how can I love and support you?”  Amy asks for exactly what she needs.  She doesn’t ask Bill to do anything regarding the situation, just what she needs in the moment, a hug and words of affirmation.

Then they switch roles and Amy goes out of her way to understand Bill while Bill goes out of his way to send a clear message void of all the common communication pitfalls.

Bill does his best to communicate without blame or defensiveness.  He tells his point of view and Amy demonstrates that she understands him.  Then Bill gives a genuine apology, which is not just the words, “I’m sorry,” but an offer to try something different next time.  Amy continues to take responsibility for her triggers and recognizes this is an opportunity to practice and heal. 

They thank each other often throughout the whole exchange.

Okay, that’s it for now.  Thanks for reading.  Next time I’m going to clearly define the different between “healthy” and “unhealthy” communication.  What are we even striving for with all this?  See you next time! ~Danny