Com101 – Receiving Someone’s “No”

The other side of all this boundary talk is when we find ourselves on the receiving end of someone’s boundary declaration or the receiving end of a “no”.  How do we receive them with grace and respect?

In a nutshell, we always thank them for letting us know.  We repeat what they said back to them for clarity.  We don’t move forward until they verify we heard them correctly.  We take a walk in their shoes and validate the experience.  We apologized if it’s warranted; and it’s probably warranted.  We consider a reasonable request, and we take an action that is comfortable and safe for both parties.  We ensure they are fully finished.  We circle back and take our turn as well.  In short, we become an example of safe-ask culture.  We are grateful to hear it and we strive to do something that benefits everyone.  As an added bonus, we discover who around us is a good intention healthy communicator, and who is not.

So let’s say, someone just told us, “I hate when you do that and I need you to go away.”  That’s a terrible way to voice a boundary, but regardless, we demonstrate safe-ask culture and start with a “thank you.”

Thank you for your honesty

My two favorite ways to say “thank” you to someone informing me of a boundary are, “thank you for your honesty,” and “thank you for taking care of yourself.”  It’s not always easy for someone to state their boundaries, these phrases recognize that.  Saying, “thank you,” lets the other person know we are capable of a safe-ask culture.  Saying, “thank you,” will encourage them to share more boundaries with us rather than consider us someone who they don’t want to “deal with” or someone they have to “confront.”

“Thank you for your honesty,” tells people we can handle the truth.  Many people who grew up in a punish-ask culture are afraid to tell the truth because it may provoke the other person.  If people can’t tell us the truth because we don’t accept them with grace, that’s something for us to work on.  If people can’t tell us the truth because they are afraid of something in their past, that’s something for them to work on. 

If we know someone is working on getting better at boundaries, we can be extra safe around them.  We can let them know, “it’s okay, you can tell me the truth, I’m not going to get mad at you for it or use it against you,” and then we prove that to them when we calmly thank them for their honesty and never use their words against them.  One word of caution on that, we are only boundary practice buddies with someone we have an actual agreement with.  Being other people’s boundary practice when they don’t know we’re putting in that extra effort is people pleasing and enabling their unhealthy behavior because, from their point of view, they think they just did a great job!  Meanwhile, we did all the heavy lifting to keep the conversation in the healthy zone.  Yes, we might be practicing our side of a healthy conversation, but we must tell them this when the whole thing is over.  A great way to do that is to have a separate circle back check-in conversation to ask for how’d-I-do style feedback.  “So, I was experimenting with some safe-ask communication.  How did it feel on your side?”  (From more on this, see “Boundary Practice Buddies” article, coming soon)

Thank you for taking care of yourself

Our other phrase, “thank you for taking care of yourself,” tells people pleasers, “hey, you matter too,” as we support their selfcare and peace.  Many people who grew up in a punish-ask culture learned to survive by being “helpful” and being “useful”.  They have learned to guess the needs of others and try to be useful.  They say “yes” to helping others because they get joy and belonging from it.  They try to “make other people happy.”  These are all wonderful qualities that demonstrate empathy and support, however, they can go too far and become unhealthy.  When, what looks like empathy is taken too far, people can give all their energy away while ignoring their own needs.  Before long, people pleasers find themselves trying to pour from an empty cup.  The phrase, “thank you for taking care of yourself,” assures them, “Hey, I love you and I love hearing that you are taking care of yourself.  You don’t ever have to pour from an empty cup for me.”

I’ve also had a few friends tell me that hearing, “thank you for taking care of yourself,” encourages them to say “no” more often to touch and actions that were abusive to them at some point in their lives.  When my friend asks me to stop yelling, and I realize I’m not actually yelling, I say, “thank you for taking care of yourself.”  Loud voices, from their past, scare them and they are learning that they have the power to stand up for themselves.  That is a big deal.  “Thank you for taking care of yourself,” encourages and celebrates the step they just took and the practice of healing. 

As for not feeling like I was yelling in that last example, after thanking them and respectfully talking through their boundary and their request, I can have a separate circle back check-in conversation with them.  It’s possible to have a conversation to learn more about each other and how our definition of “yelling” is calibrated very differently.  To drive that point home, I personally learned that I often have “a tone” that gets received as yelling when I’m purposely trying to be calm and understanding while I’m feeling frustrated and misunderstood.  I never would have learned that if my response to being asked to stop yelling was, “I’m not yelling.”  “No, I’m not,” is not a safe-ask response to someone sharing a boundary, that’s the start of an argument.

If I’m hearing you correctly, your telling me…

After we thank them, we repeat back to them what we think we heard them just say to make sure we heard it right.  This does two things, first in allows them to see that we want to understand them.  People’s emotions tend to relax and calm down when they don’t feel like they have to fight to be heard.  Second, it gives them, and us, a chance to verify we are hearing each other correctly.  The result is that they begin to feel heard.  At the same time, our curiosity is activated, and we begin to listen on a deeper level.  We’re not doing lip service here, our intention is to actually get curious and hear what they are trying to tell us.  Together, we begin to actually get on the same page. 

Here are few phrases to use when repeat someone’s words back to them to seek clarity:

• “It sounds like you’re saying…”
• “If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re saying…”
• “Help me understand if I heard that right. You’re telling me…”
• “I’m just going to try hear you for a second. It’s sound like you’re saying…”
• “I’m just going to focus on making sure I’m hearing you correctly. I’m not saying I agree or disagree with you.  Correct me if I’m wrong.  You’re saying, from your point of view, …”  (The extra wordy, trying to tiptoe lightly, version.)

After stating with one of those phrases, we say what we heard without letting our own emotions or thoughts interpret or bend it in any way.  I know that can be hard sometimes.  Do a timeout & check-in with yourself if you have to.  I have a friend who pauses and silently repeats the phrase, “not everything is about me, not everything is about me, not everything is about me.”  She does this to get her triggers and her defenses to relax so she can hear the other person.  Whatever you have to do to actually get curious and listen, do that.

We don’t have to agree with them, that’s not the point.  The point is to understand them, not to agree or disagree with them before we confirm we heard them correctly.  If it helps us relax and get out of our head, we can be extra clear and say, “I’m just going to focus on making sure I’m hearing you correctly.  I’m not saying I agree or disagree with you.  Correct me if I’m wrong.  You’re saying, from your point of view…” 

Here’s an example of receiving someone’s “no”.  “If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re telling me you’re hurt, and you feel I’ve disrespected one of your boundaries.  From your point of view, I didn’t check-in with you on Friday night when you thought we had plans and you ended up spend the whole night in a holding pattern, waiting for my call.  Was that close?”

Notice this ended with, “Was that close?”  A few great endings to repeating back for clarity are:

• “Was that close?”
• “Am I hearing you right?”
• “Is that what you meant?”
• “Can you help me understand if I got that right?”
• “Am I on the right track?”

Personally, I have gotten the most success with, “was that close?”  Sometimes the word “right” can get received in a “right vs wrong” context when emotions are high.  It creates a new thing to have a misunderstanding over.  “Was that close,” seems to skip side arguments.  It demonstrates that we are trying, we don’t assume we are perfect, and they are also responsible for getting their message communicated clearly.  It’s a great invitation to  focus on getting on the same page together.  In the end, they get to decide, “you got it,” or “yeah, that’s close enough.”

They tell us when we’ve heard them

It is very important that they tell us when we’ve heard them, not the other way around.  Everything short of them verifying we heard them correctly is us assuming we understand them.  Even if we do understand them, that means nothing to them until we prove to them that we actually heard and understood them.  They are not going to relax until we demonstrate to them, their message was received.  Saying, “I know,” or “I hear you,” is counterproductive if the next words out of our mouth prove we don’t know and we didn’t hear them.  Let them verify we heard them correctly and don’t move on to new topics until it’s happened.

I once heard an old-timer say, “if you don’t make time to do it right, you’re going to end up making time to do it twice.”  Repeating back what they are trying to tell us until they confirm we are on the same page is one of those things.

Step into their shoes & validate them

When it’s clear we understand them, this is the moment to empathize and validate them.  We do this before anything else.  Empathy and validation are whole topics to themselves that we will talk about in a future articles.  For now, we will hit the highlights.

Empathy and validation are not hard but it’s easy to get it wrong.  Empathy is taking a moment to see things from someone else’s shoes.  Validation is confirming we understand what they are feeling and why they are feeling it.

Validation doesn’t say, “you’re right and I’m wrong.”  Validation says, “now that I know I heard your point of view correctly, wow, I totally understand why you feel that way.  I would probably feel that way too in that moment.”  It’s a pause in the conversation where we confirm, from one human to another, “yeah, your feelings make sense.”  Empathy is a shared moment of intimacy where we step into the other person’s situation, point of view, and emotions.  Validation is when we then let them know that we’re standing there, and it all makes sense.  Validation is not just putting ourselves in someone else’s shoes, it’s telling them we’re doing it, and telling them we see why they are feeling what they are feeling because, “I would feel that way too.”

A few phrases to help connect and validate:

• “Wow. If I was <in that situation> and <those specific things from their point of view> happened, I would be upset to.”
• “It makes sense to me now that you’re feeling <name the emotions>. You were <outline the situation and the point of view>.  If that happened to me, I would feel that way too.”
• “Wow. I think anyone in your position would feel <name the emotions>.  I know I would.”
• “It’s no wonder you’re upset, that’s a lot. <outline the situation and point of view> is a lot.  I would feel that way too.”
• “I see where you are coming from now. <outline the situation and the point of view> sounds awful.  It makes perfect sense that you’re upset.  I’d be upset too.  Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Don’t take shortcuts when it comes to connecting with people.  Things like move on to the next part of the conversation without empathy or validation will kill the intimacy and people will appear to become difficult or give up on talking things thru.  Another great way to kill this moment to connection would be to state their emotions instead of stepping into their emotions, or better yet, don’t even acknowledge their emotions.   Have you ever been in any of those situations where people just skip right passed the feelings you’re struggling with and so desperately trying to communicate to them?  We can’t relax until the other person actually demonstrates they hear us and they feel us.  That take time to do.  Make the time to do it.

Another great way to screw this up this moment of intimacy is to say, “your feelings are valid,” or “your feeling are valid but…”.  Those phrases are just phrases, they are not actually validation.  In my world of kinky circles and poly communities, I’ve heard these phrases being thrown out more and more.  “Your feelings are valid.”  Yes, but saying that doesn’t validate the other person’s feelings.  It states a fact.  It is a fact that everyone’s feelings are valid.  Humans feel feelings, they are chemical signals, and they are always valid.  That is a fact.  Stating, “your feelings are valid,” to someone makes no attempt to actually feel what the other person is feeling.  It’s dismissive and can even come across as, “I know feeling are valid, but I’m not going to take the time to actually connect with you and your experience.  I feel no need to stand in your shoes and see the world from your point of view.”  Of course, I’m exaggerating a little to make the point obvious.

Don’t take shortcuts when it comes to connecting with people.  It demonstrates you don’t want to connect, or you don’t know how to connect.  Either way, it comes across as, “I don’t care to understand you.”  That’s punish-ask culture.  Someone trusted us enough to share their pain with us in the hopes that we would hear them, understand them, and respect them, but we said, “I don’t care to understand you.”  That’s not relationship building, that’s the opposite. 

Apologize, most likely

When it’s clear we understand them, and we’ve validated what they are feeling by experiencing those feelings ourselves, then we probably see exactly why we should apologize.  How to give an honest and real apology is a whole topic to itself that we will talk about in a future article.  For now, we will hit the highlights.

If we attempt an apology before hearing someone and validating their emotions, is not an apology.  It’s insincere because we don’t know what they are even talking about yet.  Also, it seems like an act to calm someone down but it does the opposite.  Apologizing before they finish talking and before we understand says we don’t care to understand them.  We’re skipping passed empathy and validation.  We just talked about how shortcuts don’t work with empathy and validation.  It can actually end up escalating the situation as they feel more unheard and brushed off with an insincere apology.  Don’t skip actively understanding, putting ourselves in their shoes, and validating their point of view and emotions.

After doing all of those, we probably need to apologize.  Yes, it’s not easy for some people to apologize.  I once had my significant other, who was genuinely sorry, scream at me, “can’t you see I don’t know how to say I’m sorry!”  I grew up in a punish-ask culture where I learned to apologize for everything, even when I didn’t do anything wrong.  For me, an apology would defuse the other person or minimize the punishment I was probably going to receive regardless.  She grew up in a punish-ask culture where everyone argued, no one apologized, everyone gave each other the silent treatment, then they pretended it never happened a week later.  Regardless of if we default to apologizing too much or not enough, apologizing when bumping into someone’s boundary can be our second sign of respect for the boundary and the person.  There is an article coming up about how to give a genuine apology, so I won’t go too deep into that topic here.  For now, here’s a simple example: “I’m sorry, I didn’t know.  Now that I do know, we can do something different.” Then we follow that apology up with real action to be different.

It is important to check-in with ourselves to make sure we were not manipulated into an apology and that we are taking a reasonable action that works for our boundaries too.  For example, if we ask someone to pass the salt and they tell us we’ve crossed their boundaries and we need to go set our hair on fire, we may have to decline their random emotional reaction and strange demands that were disguised as a boundary, but how?

Our intention is to keep both parties safe and get both parties needs met whenever possible.  If someone at a party tells us to leave them alone, as part of repeating that back to them, we can clarify, “okay, it sounds like you’re asking me to not talk to you or engage with you.  Is that right?”  That would probably be a reasonable request.  However, if they asked us to leave the party, and it’s not their house, that would not be reasonable.  That would be a case of someone trying to control us with a boundary.  That’s an unhealthy behavior, even if the other person isn’t doing it on purpose.  Abusers and manipulators will do it on purpose and use all the time to get their way.

If we realize they are making an unreasonable or outlandish requests, we might want to question if a boundary was even crossed in the first place or if they are creating a scene to manipulate us.  We can tell that party goer, “I’m allowed to be here.  I’m happy to not engage with you.  If you would like to create distance between us, I will respect the distance you create.”  In the end, if someone is attempting to manipulate us with boundaries, real or fabricated, we probably want to distance ourselves from situations that involve this person.

Are you complete?

When someone comes to us for a check-in or a boundary update, we go at their pace.  It’s their turn to be the focus.  I imagine them on stage with a microphone in their hand and we are sitting in the front row of the audience.  It’s their turn to be heard and our turn to listen. 

This type of communication is not, and should not, be a two-way conversation.  That sentence took me forty years to discover.  This is a conversation where the person on stage is delivering an important message and we have been lucky enough to be selected to be in the audience.  The audience gets a few moments to ask some questions to make sure the speaker has been understood and the message has been delivered correctly.

The audience doesn’t get to climb up on stage.  The audience doesn’t get to take the microphone out of the speaker’s hand.  The audience doesn’t get to start telling their own stories or go on tangents.  The audience simply takes it all in as fully as possible.

Then the speaker thanks everyone for coming to the talk and exits the stage.  Then, and only then, can someone else get on stage and start a new topic.

Just like when we didn’t move forward with an apology until they confirmed we heard them correctly, we don’t move to a new topic until they are complete with the message they are sharing with us.  We don’t change topics until we know they are off stage.

This is very simple to do, we simply ask, “Are you complete?”  In some cases, the speaker will do this naturally without us asking with a phrase like, “and that’s everything,” or “okay, I’m done talking about this now.”

Circle Back

Once they are done, and they have confirmed it, it’s very important that we take a turn to share what’s top of mind for us as a result.  We may want to take a walk through our point of view and receive some understand as well.  We may want to also share a boundary.  We maybe want to follow-up on a detail from the conversation because it just wasn’t the right moment to dig into it as it was happening.

Regardless, make sure both people are complete and both people get a turn to be on stage and be the primary focus while sharing a message.  Both people must feel received, understood, empathized for, validated, and safe to interact in the future.

If we were just practicing our safe-ask culture and we were putting in extra effort, now is that time we should ask for feedback.  As I said in a previous section, if they don’t know we’re putting in that extra effort that means we are people pleasing and enabling their unhealthy communication by bridging the gap in their skills.  From their point of view, they think they just did a great job, and they may have, but we need to make sure they are away we put in a bunch of extra effort too.  Yes, we might be practicing our side of a healthy conversation, but we must tell them this when the whole thing is over, now is that time.

Have a circle back check-in conversation to ask for how-did-I-do style feedback.  “So, I was experimenting with some safe-ask communication.  How did it feel on your side?”  Don’t criticize them and don’t give them feedback on their communication.  If they are curious, they will ask.  If they don’t ask, they are not curious and will probably not be able to receive such things.  We focus on healing and improving ourselves and we let them focus on their own healing and improving, however they do it and at whatever their pace is.

Summary of receiving a “no”

We always thank them for letting us know.  “Thank you for your honesty.”  “Thank you for taking care of yourself.”

We repeat what they said back to them for clarity.  “If I’m hearing you correctly, you’re telling me…” and “…is that close?”

They tell us when we’ve heard them correctly, not the other way around, and we don’t move forward until they give us this confirmation.

We step into their shoes and look at the situation from their point of view.  We feel what they feel, and we validate where they are coming from.

We apologized if it’s warranted; and it’s probably warranted.

We consider if a reasonable request has been made, and we take an action that is comfortable and safe for both parties. 

We ensure they are complete. 

We circle back and take our turn as well to make sure we are also complete. 

In short, we become an example of safe-ask culture. 

In the next article, we’re going to experiment with giving and receiving the word “no”.  After that, I’m going to recap receiving a “no” from a few different types of people: a genuine friend or loved one; a person with good intentions who is using unhealthy communication; and an abusive person with toxic intentions and language.