Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
This is an article in the Communication 101 series. Click here for the Table of Contents.
As I said in the last section, I strive to neither use nor engage with unhealthy or abusive behaviors. To do that, I need to be able to identify behaviors that damage relationships or hurt people on purpose. I also need to practice consciously make this choice every day if I want to break the unconscious patterns of communication that I adopted while growing up. (More on conscious practice in the next section.)
Here is a list of unhealthy behaviors and the opposite of each behavior. These unhealthy behaviors may or may not be successful at getting someone what they want in the moment, but they will always risk damaging the relationship. People using these behaviors are slowly destroying all their connections everywhere they go, regardless of whether they realize it or not.
Keep in mind that reading this list will not magically change your life or the way you communicate in conflict. That takes targeted practice which we will describe later. For now, we are simply identifying unhealth behaviors and the opposite behaviors.
I have to warn you, that second column might sounds idealistic or even silly. Column two seems obvious and impossible, but I’m going to teach you how to actually get there in this book.
UNHEALTHY BEHAVIOR | THE OPPOSITE BEHAVIOR |
Using a raised voice, yelling, or yelling back | Remaining calm |
Using a stern voice or a “tone” (even at a normal volume) | Remaining calm and gentle |
Repeating things or repeating things louder | Being heard the first time. |
Saying “shut up and listen to me,” or “you’re not listening” | Being heard the first time. |
Name calling | Respect, love, and gratitude |
Putdowns, invalidating, or using belittling words or labels | Building up, validating, staying non-judgmental |
Playing the victim | Taking responsibility |
Blaming | Taking responsibility |
Commiserating, focusing on the negative | Focusing on the positive |
Gossip, judging others, tearing others down | Only stating facts, staying non-judgmental, standing up for others, building up others |
“The problem is…” | “I’m struggling” |
Problem solving before completely hearing the person | Listening to understand; listening until someone has shared completely |
Criticism, judgements, blaming, or attacking | Listening, relating, validating, staying non-judgment |
Escalating to win | Deescalating and trying to understand the other person |
Ultimatums, “it’s my way or the highway, I’m not interested in what you have to say.” | “I value you and I want to work through this. What’s one small thing we can agree on?” |
Talking over each other and cutting each other off | Listening and asking for clarification |
Giving up or giving in to end the conflict | Speaking freely and without fear |
Choosing silence and not actually voicing one’s side | Speaking freely and without fear of being hurt |
Punishing the other person for speaking vulnerably | Thanking the other person for speaking vulnerably |
Steamrolling someone else’s point of view | Thanking and praising someone else’s point of view |
Twisting someone’s words as soon as they are spoken and possibly using the twisted words against them | Listening to someone, verifying they were heard correctly, and understanding their true intentions |
“You always” and “you never” statements that project blame | “It’s my responsibly to” and “it’s my job to” statements that take responsibility |
“You should” or “you shouldn’t” statements, telling someone what to do | Asking if someone is open to feedback and starting the feedback gently with “maybe you can…” or “what if…” |
“I feel like you,” and “you make me feel” statements that project blame | “I feel ____ and I’m taking responsibility for my emotions, and what I do next” |
Correcting the other person’s grammar or communication with things like, “What you meant to say is…” | “Can you help me understand your words and intentions?” |
“it’s clear you meant to hurt me,” and “your intentions were selfish” | “I’m assuming your intentions were good. Can you tell me a little more about them?” |
Bring up other topics before this topic is finished, or resurrecting old “resolved” arguments | Talking through one topic at a time |
Rabbling on and on about examples, little moments, other emotions, and losing the focus of the talk | Talking through one topic at a time and staying focused on the current topic |
Focusing on all the negatives, the problem, or how things can go wrong | Focusing on the positive, the progress, the opportunities, the solutions, how this is a blessing |
Assumptions masquerading as facts | Assuming good intentions, remaining judgment free, holding space, and asking for clarification |
Opinions masquerading as facts | Assuming there are many sides to a matter |
Expecting the other person to guess what we’re thinking or what we need | Freely sharing what we think and need without fear of repercussions |
Projecting one’s past triggers, traumas, fears, and insecurities onto the other person as if they were facts | Assuming good intentions, remaining judgment free, holding space, and asking for clarification |
Telling the other person what their emotions or intentions are/were; aka projecting and gaslighting | Assuming good intentions while asking the other person for clarification about their emotions and intentions |
The silent treatment to punish the other person | Being gentle and direct to strengthen the relationship |
Sulking and pouting, expecting the other person to guess what’s wrong | Being direct, being heard, asking for what you need |
Halfhearted or lip service apologies that don’t take any responsibility | Genuine apologies that take responsibility and take steps to make amends |
“I’m sorry you feel that way” | “I hear where you’re coming from” |
“can we agree to disagree,” or “can we just get over it and move on” | “this sounds important to you,” or “let make some time to talk about this so I can give you my full attention.” |
Dismissing the other person’s words or emotions | Acknowledging and validating the other person’s words and emotions |
Avoiding the conflict | Talking about things before they become an issue. |
Ghosting people, cutting people off | Building stronger connects by talking through things together |
I find the easiest way to spot unhealthy behaviors is to ask myself if I’d like to be on receiving end of the behavior. It’s obvious how many of these behaviors provoke and escalate; judge and belittle; attack and blame; deflect and dodge responsibility; invalidate and silence; avoid and cut people out.
How about the behaviors in the second column? If you just read the second column from top to bottom, what would you find? Can you see the patterns that begins to emerge when we simply do the opposite of the unhealthy behavior? Imagine taking your latest struggle to this type of person. They would remaining calm and gentle. They would deescalate. They would attempt to hear and understand you the first time. They would take great care to acknowledge and validate your words and emotions. They would do it all with respect while assuming you have good intentions. They would be non-judgmental. They would assume there is more than just their side and they would praise you for sharing a different point of view. They would take responsibility for their contribution to the struggle. You would be able to speak freely and vulnerably to them without fear of retaliation or being hurt. You could simply share your needs and be heard.
Consider what life would be like if you could simply share your needs and be heard. This is a great example of the healthy behaviors we’re striving for in this book. This is how Amy and Bill spoke to each other in the example dialogue in an earlier chapter. It’s possible, it just takes healthy intentions and conscious practice.
In the next section, we will explain what conscious practice involves.
Update: I just got my pre-order page on amazon to turn this series into a book!
What next?
Next article in this series: Com101 – Conscious Practice
Previous article in this series: Com101 – Healthy Vs. Unhealthy
Go back to the Table of Contents.
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