A friend of mine posted this image on Facebook and it sparked a lively discussion about what triggers are and what it means to say it’s “your responsibility.” Someone called it out as being a little cold and almost blaming others for having triggers. They painted a picture of having no compassion for someone who’s genuinely experiencing some tough emotion. At the same time, tiptoeing around other people’s triggers can allow toxic things to unfold like weaponized anxiety.
Personally, I really like the original image text: “Your triggers are your responsibility. It isn’t the world’s obligation to tiptoe around you.” I read it as a reminder to myself about my triggers and how I manage them as well as being a reminder about other people’s triggers, what I expect from others, and how I interact with them.
I interpret the word “trigger” as a bunch of emotion that unexpectedly rises up in someone which induces a fight-flight-freeze-fawn state, and then leads to some emotion-driven self-preservation actions that may feel like we don’t have a choice in –but we always have a choice, even if we don’t realize it. From there, the actions we take have consequences. Claiming an event from the outside world just triggered us is false. What triggers us is on the inside. What triggered the emotion, action, and consequences is our interpretation of the outside event through the filter of our past experiences. We all view the world through our own len(s) that skew reality in an attempt to understand things and protect ourselves.
So far, I have learned that taking responsibility for my triggers involves: recognizing the emotions that just rose up, recognizing I’m in a fight-flight-freeze-fawn state, recognizing the actions my body wants to take to protect myself in this state (which often feel like default uncontrollable responses), recognizing I always have a choice (including choices like communicating what I’m struggling with like an adult, asking for help, deescalating myself, asking for space, etc.), recognizing I might not actually be in danger in this moment, recognizing the actions I do choose to take have consequences and I will hold myself accountable for them. All of this recognition might happen in the moment (with A LOT of practice), but more likely, it will come from a place outside the moment. Probably a long moment of reflection when emotions are low again.
It’s my job to take responsibility for my triggers so other don’t have to tiptoe around me and so I don’t destroy all my connection or burn bridges. It’s my job to heal me.
and also
It’s NOT my job to tiptoe around someone else’s triggers, try to “fix them”, take on their emotions, calm them down, or take any responsibility for their triggers. It’s their job to be responsible for themselves and heal themselves.
Here is another great image that came up in the discussion to illustrate this:
I used to think empathy and boundaries were obvious and easy. “Boundaries? Of course I’ve got boundaries. Boundaries are where you yell at someone when you’re not happy with them. And empathy is when you just keep your cool and let the other person yell until they are done yelling. Right?” Wrong. Turns out I was doing empathy and boundaries completely wrong. After throwing myself into books, communication groups, therapy, and actually practicing with my partners, I now realize, I can have compassion for someone and also remind them how I will and will not be treated during a conflict. I can be respectful and, at the same time, I can outline the standard of respect someone must display to interact with me. If they can’t, they lose the privilege of interacting with me until they calm down.
This is my personal approach in situations where someone else is triggered, keep in mind that it’s still evolving. It’s my job to have and communicate my boundaries as my first priority. “Don’t yell at me. I need a time out from this. Don’t touch me. If you continue escalating, I’m going to leave. I need space, I’m leaving now. (etc)” My second priority is to check in with myself, “do I have the spoons to hold space for this person?” If I do have the spoons to hold space for the other person, I offer. “How can I love and support you? Do you need to vent about someone or something? Are you looking for someone to problem solve with? Would you like me to hold space?” If I don’t have the spoons, I must gently and firmly communicate it. “I want to hear you but I don’t have the spoons to hold space for this right now. Can we talk about this later? Can you call someone else who can support you right now?”
When I’m holding space for someone, I have to remind myself of a few things. It’s my job to keep checking in with myself and I can stop at any time if I realize I no longer have the spoons for this. It’s not my job to deescalate them (I have to remind myself as an empath and a people pleaser), instead it’s my job to speak my boundaries and encourage them to deescalate themselves. It’s not my job to fix their problems (I have to remind my rescuer side), instead it’s my job to listen, validate their emotions, and give genuine empathy. It’s not my job to let them yell at me (my survival/trauma response from a childhood living with an adult bully was to have no boundaries and let people just yell at me), nor is it acceptable for me to yell back (mirroring is a strong human response). It is my job to not take things personally and remind them that it’s not okay to yell at me.
Of course, all that sounds wonderful and logical, but it takes a lot of practice because logic is the first thing to go out the window when emotions are elevated. That’s why asking for a time out and asking for space are some of my most powerful tools for navigating an emotional moment.
Practice has also been one of my most powerful tools. It’s been one of the easiest yet most difficult ways I’ve personally been able to grow with communication around emotions, triggers, and conflicts. Simply make an agreement with a friend to practice holding space for each other. Agree to having a phone call once a day where you each pick one item with a small amount of emotion tied to it and share your struggle while the other person holds space. On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the biggest emotions, pick a topic that it a 2 or 3. It will usually be something small and silly like, “when you left a wet glass on my book last week, I was upset and hurt.” Even with small stuff, it’s amazing how difficult it can be to just listen and hold space for each other.
It’s a skill. The Greek poet Archilochus said, “We don’t rise to the level of our expectations; we fall to the level of our training.” The more you practice with little things, the more you will find yourself doing it with bigger things or even when triggered.
Hopefully, we’re all doing the best we can before, during, and after we/someone is triggered. Hopefully, we all have access to the people and resources that will share more tools for navigating and healing triggers. Hopefully, we’re all regularly facing our past traumas and triggers and slowly chipping away at them, because it takes practice and baby steps.
Hopefully, we’re all finding the time and energy to chip away at healing ourselves.
Hopefully, we all heal.